The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

MrsCat1 so you are going every day as well as the carers?

It is hard with the roll the dice thing, I know

Hi all. Thanks for your kind welcome. Squishy sofas, gin, chocolate and wine sound right up my street!

I have Attendance Allowance in place for 2 of my 4 elderlies and am about to investigate whether DF would qualify. Power of Attorney is in progress. Carers come in once a day for each set.

Just back from a double appointment with the consultant for both my parents. They both have bowel cancer. Looks like they will operate on DF at the end of Feb to remove the blockage. DM is a much more difficult case. She has very early stage cancer but also has dementia and struggles to understand things. She has been given the option of either an operation or a ‘wait and see what happens’. I’m struggling to reach a view on this and she can’t grasp it at all. Feels a bit like rolling dice, if you see what I mean.

@Bringincrazy that sounds terribly stressful, and quite a risk of multi generational living ....the likelihood that parents will start to depend on you much too soon and stop doing things for themselves
It gives me a sense of parents devouring their children

Thanks for understanding, yes sadly it does often feel that way, and it can be hard not to feel taken for granted. I just do my best to muddle through really, but it's a challenge as my own physical and mental health aren't exactly tip-top.

@Bringincrazy that sounds terribly stressful, and quite a risk of multi generational living ....the likelihood that parents will start to depend on you much too soon and stop doing things for themselves

It gives me a sense of parents devouring their children

I'm afraid that this part of his life will block out my memories of him being my best friend all my life. My experience was that once my mother died, and the further away we got from her final months, the more it receded into proportion with the rest of her life. So now my memories of her are mainly of doing fun things with her. I still remember how unrewarding she found her last couple of years, and the difficulties she had before that (she fell ill when I was 18, and went downhill to her death when I was 35), but it's not the first thing that pops into mind when I think of her.

How much is a stair lift folks? You can get new ones and reconditioned ones. Since the average "life" of a stair lift is less than 3 years, it makes a lot of sense to get a reconditioned one. Then the big split is whether you can get away with a straight rail or whether you need a curved one - we needed a curved one a) because the bottom couple of steps were a bit splayed, which meant the gradient changed at the bottom b) the top had a half landing and then a step to the main landing. Straight you should get away with about £1200 reconditioned, a curve takes you to around £3000 reconditioned.

Watch out for dodgy sales practices - one of the people we got a quote from shove a piece of paper at me saying "I just need you signature here" - when I read it carefully it was an actual contract to purchase.

Have to admit there are days when I wish wine was a breakfast beverage! Breakfast is what you make it! DF has settled into a routine of scones and strawberry jam for breakfast, and weetabix for tea.

thigh yes we cross posted

I was being optimistic there! 3 hours seems a long way to travel to the dentist.

agree, it's not as simple as getting in more paid help. it's the worry that some people don't understand. and wanting to look after them in the emotional sense.

^^ taxi account

Grace no, not to help out. 3 hours for a cup of tea and chat yesterday and quick visit this morning before she leaves again.

thigh sorry to hear that

ID bracelet seems a good idea.

so your sis is here at the moment to help out?

Thanks @yolofish! Have to admit there are days when I wish wine was a breakfast beverage! lol

ID bracelet with my number on?

Spoke too soon saying mum was coping
Woke up this morning to her having another panic attack

Going to need virtual hugs

We have a doc appointment tomorrow but she won't take meds

I suppose a panic attack less than three months after is bound to happen, right?

thigh we got mum's through the Royal Naval Officers Association, and I 'think' they paid for it all.

bringing I get it. We all get it. Unfortunately. It may be too early, but have a and we'll provide the shoulders to cry on.

I think it's time I jumped on this thread. I made a few posts before Christmas about my situation, which I got some lovely supportive responses to (thanks peeps :-)) For those who don't know me: my elderly parents live with myself and DH,. in mostly separate parts of the house, though some rooms shared. Things are tough lately as my dad has multiple conditions that sometimes necessitate hospitalisation. My mother, meanwhile, may be starting with dementia, is way too thin and hasn't had so much as a basic GP check-up in years, and refuses to go to the doctor, so there's a lot of worry there too.

Added to this they are the most infuriatingly passive people in the world, and it's come to the point where I have to do a lot of their thinking for them, otherwise they'd just sit there all day, and not seek medical help when my dad needs it because they tend to bury their heads in the sand. It has only been my doing the 'pushy daughter' act that has got my dad the medical treatment he needed for three serious illnesses he spent time in hospital for, and I genuinely believe he'd have died if I hadn't intervened. So these days I find I'm more or less constantly ''monitoring' his health as, sad to say, I don't consider my mother to be entirely mentally competent enough to do so - she tends to drift off into her own little world when my dad's illl.

It's exhausting. Mainly emotionally exhausting. I can't help harbouring resentments and then feeling horribly guilty about it. I worry constantly about the health of both parents and am constantly second-guessing myself about whether I could be doing more to help. All this has to be fitted around work somehow, which causes a whole other ton of stress.

So without wanting to whine, life is tough right now and I felt it'd be good to be around people who 'get it'.

Yolo that's a wonderful epitaph, who could hope for more really. To be very much loved is the crowning glory at the end of our time here.

thigh big hugs... I understand. mum was my best friend for many years, and then she became my mother for whom I had to care - very different/difficult relationship. I think, and hope, with time I will be able to remember her as she was, not how she became. At her funeral, the celebrant's final words were: as yolo said, name had a long life, well lived and very much loved. That seems a good epitaph to me.

I agree with you Grace and Yolo medicine has prolonged life but to what end?

Dad has only been old for 2 years I suppose and ill for only about 4 months. Already it seems a lifetime ago that he was traipsing along with me chatting and dog walking.

I'm afraid that this part of his life will block out my memories of him being my best friend all my life.