The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

That's pretty weird isn't it ...as if he felt he needed the protection of a monstrous woman so that he wouldn't have to engage with his daughter?

not that it was a conscious thought out process, more likely that he instinctively reached for the same type of person because he needed that in this life to make it work for him?

I think the animal self is in all of us, our instinctive natural reactions etc but it's obscured by the conscious mind

Also I recognise the dynamic, the one parent is overtly abusive the other parent who isn't but then it occurs to you one day, hold on why didn't they speak out and then you realise that in some ways they were the same but it just manifested in a much more subtle way

I feel for everyone stuck in these gruelling and impossible situations
I do understand the need to do the right thing and be a good person
please put your own well-being first as much as you can
I feel that there is a kind of animal self which becomes more apparent as our cognitive 'muscles' weaken

What the fuck @Thigh, she's been training you your whole life
I mean no disrespect to anyone on this thread

The final attack from the narcissistic parent
destroy your child as they look after you in old age, as you wither there so do they
your lifelong determination to never let your child get above you or transcend you has won out in the end

monkey - sorry to mis-spell you. One of the side effects of increasing age is I can no longer type accurately.

tbh the "mistakes" thing is one of my concerns. To be fair, that's the only mistake I've had, over about 8 years and 5-6 institutions. I kicked up a stink so it didn't happen again - I think there's nothing quite like paying compensation to persuade an institution not to make a habit of something.

yolo When I feel like this, I take myself outside and look at the small signs of a good things to come - cyclamen in flower all across the terrace, snowdrops and catkins beginning to open - and tell myself that maybe the change in season will bring a change in fortunes. Make sure I have reminders of anything nice that has happened, tell people about it - make room in my mind for the nice stuff as well as the crap.

money for you too. Depression and self hate is one thing I'm really good at. No apologies necessary - you've no idea how helpful I find it to come on here and realise that, no matter how difficult I find my DF, other people have life even worse.

@Notaflying, I have a parent who tried to crush me as a child and as an adult
no way would I lift a finger to help them in their old age, if I did get involved I've no doubt they would try to achieve their ambition of killing me off before they died

No thankfully.
I posted on here due to comment of a previous post and have been posting on and off as cared for my mother.

Victoria are you caring for your MIL?

Bitch not hitch !

notaflyingmonkey
My Mil sounds like your mother. In the past few years she has fallen out with many of her friends and like your Mum complains of seeing no one and being lonely. I have researched clubs for her to attend. Spoke with people who run it, who have said they can arrange transport for her, yet she will refuse to try.
Just recently she lost another friend whilst on a turkey and tinsel type coach trip by throwing a glass of wine over them and calling them a hitch for not wanting to play bingo !

notaflyingmonkey

It's good to hear your update, I was wondering how you were feeling after your post on, I think it was New Year's Eve?

I'm glad the counselling is helping, that's really good news.

Looks like a lot of us are deep in the trenches atm.

I kept my head down with DM this week - busy at work, ongoing issues with Gummy's apprentice, and a virus that I can't shake. Went to see her last night and my diagnosis was right on the cellulitis in her legs, looks like the OOH Doc came out, and 'someone'? picked up her ABs for her from the chemist. Result. DB (golden boy) seems to be worried that I am holding him to splitting the care more evenly. He was supposed to take her for a (not crucial) hospital check up this week and told me the day before he couldn't, so I cancelled the appointment rather than try and take a day's leave to cover it myself.

The quid pro quo in all this though, is that my mum declared she hated the bird feeder that I wrestled with to put up in the garden last Sunday, and wants to give it away (my whole life she has liked to try and punish me like that). As I had my trusty cloak of teflon on, I said I was happy for her to do what she wanted with it.

Unlike those of you who love your elders, and talk about them being your best friends, my parents only ever criticised me, as both a child and adult. So the things I do for my DM now I do out of obligation, and with gritted teeth, which she is well aware of and it pains her even more that she should be in a position where she is reliant on my goodwill. Her favourite topic of conversation is to bitch about someone - her one remaining friend, my DB, his wife, my DH, me. And her second favourite is to complain about being lonely. With no connection between the two.

Last note of my rant - I've been getting counselling for the past couple of months, as I have been struggling with depression and self hate for years. I think I am starting to learn how to cope with her attitude towards me now, and how my parents brought me up, and check my own behaviour so that I don't have to be like them.

Sorry to bore you all with my self analysis rather than offer anyone else any support.

Cockroach all x

yolo sorry I waffled on for so long I didn't see your post

big hugs to you

Rose sorry I wasn't clear

I'm not trying to rush LPA.

What I'm asking is that she avoid dealing with this particular financial thing and just wait till I have LPA. It doesn't need to be dealt with now, or indeed for ages and ages.

she didn't even know how to pay a bill before this and just everyday banking sends her into a panic. So I'm thinking she could be saved the stress of this particular thing, that's all.

she actually wanted to sort out LPA while dad was ill, because we didn't know how long he'd live and she wanted me to be able to do all her work for her then as she was doing hospital/hospice all day...

but then he died, and she decided to delay LPA as she's convinced - bless her - that all the financial stuff "should" be her responsibility. I am impressed with her, but if she is going to have anxiety attacks over stuff like this, then I think she's making too big a sacrifice. I think she feels embarrassed/inadequate after years of letting dad do everything.

probate - unfortunately the paperwork is pure chaos, so if we have it sorted by end of summer I'll be pleased.

I just need a quiet howl among friends. Nothing spectacular, I just feel like total shit at the moment, everything is going tits up around me, my mum is dead (and I am pleased that she is, that her suffering is over) but for fucks sake, someting in life needs to go right for a bit, pretty please? Just a break, just some nice things, just freedom from worry?

@Grace212 I understand you want things sorted for her. But maybe she needs a little time to grieve before she moves on with her life. I know they are important documents to have and take a while to do. She has to agree to them with her own free will.
How far are things with the probate?