The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

blueglasses we do need probate, but that's all on track now. I hope!

re your mum, is it that kind of rebellion thing - thinking what the hell, I'll do as I please? I feel for you, that must be hard.

yolo that sounds a similar schedule for a friend who was treated for bowel cancer last year. She was very tired, but overall it was much better than she thought it would be. Sorry if stating the obvious - probably am! - with the immune system issues arising from treatment, you might want to say to people about keeping away if they have even the hint of a cold. Some people are a bit crap. My friend kept hand sanitiser in the house too and we didn't hug her or hold her hand (in London so most of us were coming off the tube or bus to visit her).

danish love the 'shitting on us from above' translation!

gutrot I would also be very nervous in your position, and in fact I would be refusing her discharge before the care needed is in place if at all possible. My mum never actually got to see anyone from incontinence, but at the very least her home environment should be assessed for suitability (eg does she need any aids at home) and she should also be personally assessed as to whether she can make a cup of tea/wash herself/get out of bed without falling over. Private carers, IME will say they can do everything but when it gets difficult they withdraw pdq, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

blueglasses I am so sorry, that sounds like very hard work.

In other news: had the most gorgeous walk on the beach with DDog this am, sunny, no wind, beautiful. Dropped DD1 back to uni. DH in very bad mood tonight, poss related to fact that we got schedule for radio: planning meeting a week today; treatment starts Feb 11 basically the middle of every day 5 x a week for 5 weeks, plus chemo at the same time (tablets only thank god).

Grace I hope I'm not out of turn asking if you are sure your mum needs probate? When my dad died in September 2017 my mum didn't need it and it was when I rang the land registry to ask how to transfer house into her name that they confirmed it.

My mum's only been home from respite for 2 days and she's already making poor decisions. I know she's not doing it on purpose but it makes me so cross. There was a very cool atmosphere between us this evening when I turned up after work to find out she'd walked a mile round trip to the chemist in this freezing cold and she has very poor mobility.

She's also back to cooking for people who aren't there. Fish and chips for 3 tonight.

Sorry to you all having a shit time

The GP and district nurse were really helpful for dad's friend - she had falls, UTIs, general confusion. I'm not sure how the district nurse gets involved though....pretty sure other posters will know.

Thanks Grace
Maybe I'm totally misunderstanding this and the GP is the pivotal person in the integrated care post-discharge????
Maybe I shouldn't be worried?

(Well, apart from the paranoia, falls, UTIs, cellulitis, night terrors, etc )

gutrot is this something your mum's GP could help with? I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly but just wondered.

trouble is, I'm under the impression that these things vary from one area to another. In this area, I remember dad talking to the falls person about the 90+ friend he used to help look after, and he told me that they didn't say anything that wasn't common sense. That lady also had private carers, so perhaps it was another case of SS not wishing to get involved?

danish thanks, I will remember that!

L1minal Is there any chance some sort of support corset thing will help?

also, any chance she could take amitriptaline (sp) I couldn't tolerate any painkillers when I had an injury and the joy of stomach cramps on top of broken bones... anyway, I was saved by amitriptaline which interrupts pain signals or something. Was originally used as an anti dep I think. Also helped me sleep.

I wonder if you could actually call the GP and request any alternatives - they could send electronically to pharmacy and pharmacy could drop them to your mum?

random point - I was just looking over a bunch of paperwork with mum and I can't believe how small some of the writing is. I don't wear glasses so I've probably never noticed before as it's fine for me - but surely some of these companies must have tons of older customers e,g. Saga car insurance - and there's this teeny tiny writing for some of the important stuff.

also we went to a bank today and asked for a couple of things linked to tax - the manager was fab and printed out 2 copies of everything and explained it all, which was great for mum. but the print was font 8 or something!

Have written before, but life moves on...
Following a month in hospital, Dm is in intermediate (reablement) care in a care home until Tuesday (after a 6 week stay). Her delirium has worsened and she is paranoid about imagined woman upstairs giving her ECT and ammonia treatments.
She is now due to come home to us - same house but separate annexe. We have 3x carers organised, and the doctor is coming for a house visit on Wednesday.
She was in the care home under the Integrated Care Team, but they have washed their hand of us because we're self-funding. Despite 3 'promises', we have never heard from the Falls assessment team. Today the private carers asked me if I'd spoken to the Incontinence team - I've never heard of them!
Can someone advise me exactly who I should be contacting? As I say, the doctor is coming round, and, hopefully, will talk to us about Community nurse visits (?). Is there anything else I should know? Anyone else I should contact?
Dh and I are very nervous about all this (but thanks to previous advice on MN, have booked a place in a care home she likes, just in case it all goes tits up).

That's very good info, thanks Mrsr8. I'll try and speak to her GP. He can be a bit uncooperative but if she's still not sleeping by next week (when I'm planning to come back) I think they'll just have to see her again and try to come up with some help.

It can't be right that someone of over 90 is 'dreading' going to bed because she knows she'll lie all night in pain She's already spent one night trying to sleep sitting up on the sofa.

^^ yours - brain ache

Danish i like the translation! We say "when it rains it pours" ie if it's bad, it's going to be really, really bad. But your's is better, the Devil is in fact doing a really big shit 💩 on us

Thank you for the replies and useful advice, all.

to everyone on here. It's so hard. My Df had dementia for a number of years before he died and that was a whole other struggle.

yolo
So sorry for you.
My late ddad used to say "when the devil goes to the toilet, it comes in buckets".
Hope the translate makes sense, it sometimes fells very true and a bit funny to imagine.
Thinking of you.

Thanks for replying, Grace. Yes, unfortunately she can’t have NSAIDs because of other health issues, and reacts very badly to anything codeine-based. I still have awful memories of a few years back when a (different) GP prescribed morphine-based patches for back pain despite being told she couldn’t tolerate them, and she spent weeks obediently putting them on in between vomiting and feeling like death

She does have a very kind neighbour who helps with shopping etc but doesn’t have any carers at the moment. I basically do everything else for her as DSis just doesn’t really get it.

@L1minal sorry to hear that. I would be pressing the gp for another appointment stressing how bad things are.

Took mum to memory clinic, got a dementia diagnosis. They have said mild atm and given her pills. Can anyone tell me how effective pills are in delaying the dementia or does it vary.
She still wants to drive and has to go for assessment. Please can anyone tell me what happens at assessment so I can reassure her through.

L1minal did the GP refuse any decent painkillers on account of any other meds etc?

I can imagine paracetamol won't touch that pain, your poor mum.

can your mum afford paid help to keep an eye on her? Any neighbours she can contact in emergencies, key box at the door etc?

Could I please jump in for an offload?

I’ve posted a couple of times way back under different names. Currently in a bit of a crisis and finding things difficult. DM (mid-90’s) lives alone in family home, potters along, has a couple of fairly major health conditions and mobility not great but manages - just about - with a stairlift and a few adaptations. Getting increasingly frail.

I live several hours’ drive away. DSis is approx 30 mins away. Just for context.

Aaaanyway....DM was unwell over Christmas, on mega-doses of steroids, is now over immediate lung problem that caused horrendous coughing but has pulled/strained/torn a rib muscle and is now in such pain she can’t lie in bed and can’t sleep. GP basically shrugged and prescribed paracetamol and hot water bottles. I felt compelled to come and minister (work very part-time and am increasingly her carer anyway as I spend extended periods with her; luckily am free atm) so have been with her a week but she’s still in agony.

I just feel helpless and can’t come up with a plan. I know sometimes there can’t be a plan but I have to go home for 3 days for uncancellable appointments (not to mention a dh!) and am already worrying about leaving her on her own.

Sorry for epic post

Thanks @Thigh, that makes sense!

It feels like the volcanic person is actually a weapon who is controlled by the calm person
but as a child you just don't see that, to you the volcano is bad, the calm person is good
But then why would the calm person just sit by while the eruptions happen and not protect you?

Thanks I just had an aha moment with that phrase
easier to be the good guy if there's a monster at your side for comparison

I wonder if you could elaborate a little on 'controlling it from the bottom'?
I had the sense that being the good person was linked with feeling superior and having the moral high ground, but I can see that the person who doesn't get triggered the person who is in control of their emotions is able to control it from the bottom ....is that what you are getting out