The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Threetoedsloth I'm really sorry to hear that

Apologies for navel gazing folks. I had a realisation today that I had earlier, immediately after dad's death - which is that I find the idea of taking responsibility for someone else really hard and I still have that sense of having a child to look after, when I was always someone who didn't want children!

This has been triggered by more stress from mum about what I consider to be ordinary everyday stuff (bank related). I suppose it's one thing if I get things wrong for me, but if I get anything wrong while acting for her, it's going to give her a panic attack, even if it's minor.

she is really working hard on all this and she said to me today that she was unhappy with herself for not being stronger and she feels I am under too much pressure. But after acknowledging it - what do we do then to fix it? She said something to me like "do you think you should go on a finance course" - I pointed out that I run my own bank accounts and shares etc without any trouble and asked what she thinks I could learn. and she said "well you might be able to help me more". but the trouble is, her questions are things like "why is this tax calculated in this way" - bloody hell, I don't know, ask HMRC!!

I get doubly frustrated because she goes on about this for ages, and I'm used to living alone, so not accustomed to having someone doing stream-of-consciousness prattle, and then also I think, why on earth is she thinking so deeply about all this?! And if anyone saw my post on probate, because she won't do anything on a computer, any query she has involves her writing letters, so now she is fretting about how long people take to get back to her, when actually everything is perfectly fine, there's money in the bank etc.

sometimes I think she does it because it takes her mind off grief?

I am so very sorry, Threetoedsloth

I'm sure she knew how much you loved her.

I have read this section avidly for the last 12 months plus, and lurked mostly but posted once when picklemepopcorn was ever so kind to me.
This /these threads were a source of such solace, wise words and information and helped me get through the last year. Mum passed away 28/12 after 6 weeks in hospital.
The end was tough going, she hung on far longer than any of us thought possible but eventually she let go. We had had the loveliest possible visit the day before, lots of us came including grandchildren making the long journey for the final time. I sang to mum, and I think she heard me. Then the next day she "stopped breathing" There was no dreaded call to say she was about to go, she just "stopped breathing"
The staff on the ward were wonderful. Kind to a fault and willing to sit by their patients' beds if they were anxious and needed comforting. They comforted us as well- just simple things like trays of tea and biscuits, even sandwiches on one fraught occasion. Unutterably kind.
And now, after nearly 63 years of having a mum I don't have her any more. And there's a great big mum shaped hole in my life which I have no idea how to fill.
Her funeral has been delayed because two family members had holidays booked and we all agreed that mum wouldn't mind if we waited but lors it has made it hard going.
I have written her eulogy and I will grit my teeth and deliver it- she deserves it to be one of us saying the goodbye . If it has to be read whilst tears roll down my face then sobeit.

Silly thing- we were pranged up our rear end yesterday by a complete idiot and all I wanted to do when I got home was to ring mum. But I will never ring her again and that just makes me ache.
I couldn't have wished for her to stay, her life had almost come to a halt, she spent much of the last 6 months sleeping, hugging her little dog to her. But every time I arrived her face lit up and she made me feel so very very loved and I just hope she knew how much we all loved her. I think she did.

Thanks, detox by I managed to deflect most of the stress on to other people! So far I have been dabbling in mumsnet, cleaned the kitchen so DH could skip his usual Sat am super-clean, and I've done an on-line groceries order. So I feel I've been super-productive!

The way to avoid SWs relying on you is to put on a very strong New York accent and channel your inner Travis Bickle, look in the mirror a lot and say "you talking ta me? You talking ta me?"

Wow - this is a great thread. I wish I’d found it last year! My mum died over Christmas and I have to say that it was a big relief. She had had dementia and things had been getting almost unbearably difficult.

We now have to figure things out for my dad who is 90 and still living in the family home.
I am getting incredibly anxious about his health, he seems to have gone downhill rapidly in the last 2 weeks, but also the speed with which he seems to want to sell the house and move into a local retirement community (independent living
Place where he will have his own flat). The funeral was this week and the estate agent is coming round on Monday! I am concerned with whether or not this place is appropriate for someone who may (or may not?) need additional care at some point in the near future. It is also mind-boggglingly expensive and I am concerned about the longer term implications of this kind of property.

Anyway nice to “meet” you all - I know how very difficult it is to be in this situation.

Mere so sorry for your stressful Saturday - Iam with you in spirit! bugger that does not ease your load though

thanks theSandwich much appreciated and you have nicely sidetracked me from my whinge by how you did those pretty flowers . I can only do

How do you cope with it all,how do you manage to do everything and your own life or even be poorly yourself! No idea! I tried to do it all and manage at least part of my own life, then I went down with flu. Now I can't do anything. Walked 1/4mi round to my Dad's and had to have a sit down half way there. Thought I might get a day off today, then just after breakfast got a "heavy breathing" phone call - could just make out it was DS1, who has lost his voice, asking for a lift home after work. Fortunately DH agreed (no way do I trust myself to drive at the moment), and has spent the rest of the morning sitting in front of a fire trying to think. DS1 is back in bed. I blame my DF for all of this, getting himself into hospital just before Christmas, what did he think he was playing at!

Beware whinge post so scroll on by if not in the mood!

How do you cope with it all,how do you manage to do everything and your own life or even be poorly yourself!

Crisis phone call this morning from Mum about her heating making a funny noise. We get a lot of funny noise phone calls and a lot of hysteria. This time she has been told to turn off her heating but is in a major panic and unable to follow instructions.

I need to go to see her but have been off work myself ill all week and really do not have the strength but will have to get out of bed to sort her out.

The emergency/paniced calls are relentless and demand immediate attention not sure I have the energy or where with all to deal with this. so often.....

It's actually sad to think she has spent 50 years worrying about her old age. She was late 30s with the quarter of tea nonsense. I'm much older than that and don't give old age a thought. What's the point?

I've just googled - our sweet shop has a web site and on-line ordering too. But not the same as being able to go into the shop and look at everything.

My DF had a male voice choir turn up next door in a coach and sing all he way through from 5am to midday. Nothing since then till yesterday when he was talking about the bin men playing local radio as they emptied the bins at 5am - realised too late it was the wrong day for the bin men. Must keep an eye out.

He was tested for a UTI, and for cellulitis, and for any other sign of infection, but they didn't find anything. But it makes sense that there could be a background infection, when you think how difficult it is to think straight when you have a cold. Or, since he's getting it early in the morning, is it just semi-wakefulness? I know when I've been sleepy I've been holding a long conversation, egged on by an evil DH, which increasing consciousness reveals to me to be complete rubbish. The only difference between DF and I seems to be that I recognise when things don't make sense.

Sweet shops - we're lucky, Our rather unprepossessing looking town centre had a chocolate shop, delicious but rather expensive. It failed, but has been replaced by a proper sweet shop, full of jars. I am regularly tempted by aniseed balls, decent nougat, tablet, coltsfoot rock, edinburgh rock. It seems to be flourishing. Local children come in for all the sweets we used to have after school.

So hard to type with 2 dogs sitting on me jealously trying to get under the typing hand for a stroke.

thigh I'm clearly waaay too young to recognise old money .

Presume the knife bit is his dementia talking? I seem to be struggling with 'getting' things today. Might need a nap soon.

I can't remember whose DH had the male voice choir in, but these dementia-related 'facts' that they are living with would be funny if they weren't so fucking tragic.

Exactly Dint like a quarter of sherbert lemons. or the quarter of aniseed balls I bought yesterday.

Yolo I'm so glad you got a lovely dog walk in on the beach. Sometimes it makes all right with the world - temporarily.

Exactly Dint like a quarter of sherbert lemons. Eee kids today Monkey don't you remember rationing?

Dint of course, I was thinking 'a cup of tea', but it was more about bringing things to the house. Duh.

what is a quarter of tea? Isn't it a quarter of a pound of tea? ie about 120g, standard weight for a packet of loose tea?

gutrot before DM was discharged after her stroke the hospital OT said they would come and do an assessment of her house, and provide her with any aids required to adjust to being at home. In reality they turned up a few hours after she was home, but provided her with things like a raised toilet seat, etc pretty quickly.

Thank you again for the support you give me here.

thigh what is a quarter of tea?