The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

hilbobaggins has your dad actually been planning this move for a while but not talked about it while your mum was still around? So in his head he's taking the pre-planned next step in his life, and it's not a sudden decision at all, but he's not giving any time for a reassessment of how things actually are now he is on his own.

We moved mum into a care home near me 6 months after dad died, she wasn't happy on her own with carers coming in, wasn't really at the care home stage but we decided that moving to a new flat in a new place would have been too much for her, and us. Still don't know if the care home was the right decision, but at least she is safe, and future-proof as her health deteriorates. As someone on here says, it is often a problem with no perfect solution. Doesn't stop the guilt that you haven't done the best thing for your parent though.
I wonder if your dad can be persuaded to 'wait and see' for a couple of months? His health may get worse, or it may get better after the shock of your mum dying wears off.

shiveringtimber That must be hard for you

I visited Dad in hospice again today. At first he was fairly lucid, although he kept apologising for not being able to hear me properly. This made me sad. He's said before that he feels like a burden to us all, meaning that his continued existence is an inconvenience. I replied that nothing could be further from the truth, that each day he's alive I personally consider to be a gift. Anyway, shortly after I arrived, he was given his pain meds. Then he asked for a glass of wine, which my stepmother gave him. He had this dopey, happy look on his face. Conversation of any kind was pretty much impossible by this point. So I left, kissing him gently on the cheek. I felt so depressed and had a cry in the loo before going home. I don't know if it's the moon that's affecting me but I just couldn't cope. The reality of his deterioration, which I've been denying for almost two months, hit me like a slap. I don't know how I'll survive without Dad.

thanks Dint

her neighbours have said the same to me - one of them is 83 and has the same hoover and no cleaner, so she does do her whole house with it.

I am conscious that mum is working hard to form some independence so I won't get in her way. We're a funny pair at the moment, probably our biggest worry is each other and we both keep telling each other not to worry about each other

I'm not back with her till later in the week because I'm taking an elderly friend of the family to a hospital near me for an op, she will be in overnight one night at least and I will take her to and from home and liaise with doctors etc.

Mum is fine with this and says she will crack on with banking stuff etc and reckons if she has a panic attack, she just has to cope, she is being brave and I wonder if she will be a bit braver without me hanging around.

Grace It's aluminium, I think, so not horrendous, and with a handle on the top, so well balanced ...actually I'm waffling. I haven't picked it up for at least 40 years, so I haven't a clue!

80 sounds very young to me. DF was climbing ladders painting window frames at that age. We took him caving when he was older than that (proper caving, not a show cave). So it really depends on how frail your mother is. From what you were saying yesterday about her activity levels, she sounds fairly tough. Don't stop her doing anything physical as long as it's not totally suicidal - the longer she keeps her muscle tone, the better. And physical activity seems to be the one thing that may protect against dementia

she won't hear of getting a lightweight one. She thinks I'm being completely mad and overprotective. I must admit I was hoping you lovely people would agree with her rather than me

I hadn't even thought about the cord as a trip hazard!!

Dint um.....what does that weigh, I wonder?!

DF (96) hoovers. With one of these:
commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Vacuum_cleaner,_1930s,Museum_of_Richmond(London).jpg
If you're worried about her, could you persuade her to get a lightweight cordless?

grace maybe just get her a vax for the quick tidy ups downstairs? not too heavy, dont need the flex (aka trip hazard), no bag to remove etc.

Am I being overprotective if I say something about frail 80 year old mother hoovering?

she has a cleaner but dad used to do the quick clean ups inbetween. Crazy heavy hoover but she wouldn't drag it upstairs, she just wanted to do the kitchen.

Oneday so sorry and look after yourself

oneday I am so sorry... but as others have said, you did well to get her home. It's a funny old thing, when you are glad they have gone and their pain is over but you are not quite sure what to do/think/feel next. I still havent worked that one out, apart from the practicalities, which are my forte. xxx

monkey not money, sorry! And I used preview. There's no hope.

money Not clever, just blessed with a good memory. Wide ranging but relatively superficial in my knowledge (but I try to keep that last bit quiet )

Mere (or dint, sorry, I do 'know' you from the Archers thread but I'm under another name there) - A Quarter Of is just an online shop, I think. I've used it for several years it to get favourite sweets of yore for a few family members.

Dint you is v clever. Am v impressed!

monkey Coltsfoot because the leaf looks like a colt's foot. Very mucilaginous, so used in cough mixture, scientific name: Tussilago , from latin tussis=cough - you'll recall that whooping cough is Pertussis. And for an added bonus - it's an alternative foodstuff for the cinnabar moth caterpillar when they've run out of ragwort - they both contain the same chemical that the caterpillar ingests, making them poisonous and immune from predators. (I view my memory as a fly-paper - lots of stray facts get glued to it at random)

L1minal - that's not my local shop, though the range is very similar to my local's on-line range. Quite happy to pm my shop, but not on the open thread because it is very local, and it's my father's privacy I'm concerned for.

Grace yes, Focus DIY. It was a long time ago.

Arrgh!! My two weaknesses combined! Online shopping and sweets.

Dint Focus DIY shop?

For anyone who fancies a quarter of old-fashioned sweets (including coltsfoot rock).

Dint just so that you know the impact you have on people - you had me thinking about coltsfoot rock yesterday, and about how much I used to like it as a child, but my bastard big brother told me it was made from a colt's foot (hoof) after which I couldn't eat it. Looked it up and learnt it's a bloody herb. Duh (again).

in case anyone needs a laugh, here is something not related to elderly parents There used to be a goat inadequately fenced in on wasteground near us - you'd regularly see him wandering around Focus. I miss him. (I suppose he might have been a she).

Oneday So glad you got her home. You've given her the best possible death.

Sorry for your loss Oneday. The club of caring for the elderlies is one none of us wants to join, and then we graduate to the club of the lost elderlies and find the land is sometimes as hard to navigate without them as it was with them. Sending you hugs.

agree with sandwich you did a wonderful thing getting her home, I'd want to die at home. hugs to you.

I’m sorry for your loss, oneday.