The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

I need to RTFT, been a bit out of the loop but hope everyone is hanging in there. I'll have a read and get caught up.

Just wondered if anyone else has lost friends because they can't understand how our lives work now? A couple of my 'friends' (well, I call them that, but...) have definitely been treating me differently since this has all started up. It's like they feel awkward around me now, and I don't think my dwindled ability to socialise has helped. They're always claiming I can talk to them if it helps, but a recent mild 'vent' on my part about life feeling tricky atm (not even a request for advice) was met with 'I don't think we're the right people to help you with this' followed by a patronising enquiry about whether I'd ever tried mindfulness FFS! (Not dissing mindfulness there, I do practise it as best I can, it was the patronising tone of the question that p'd me off.)

We're all the same age, they have health challenges of their own (partly why their attitude has surprised and disappointed me so), but, happily for them, they both have both parents still healthy and it seems to have opened up a massive gulf between us. Maybe they're just scared because my situation reminds them of their own parents' mortality, which I'd understand, but it's more that the friendships feel shallow now. It feels like they're still stuck in a world of handbags and shopping and bitching about other women (for context, we're all childless but we're also all in our 40s and 50s FFS!! lol) and don't know how to relate to me now I have bigger stuff on my plate.

Anyone else experienced this in friendships?

Dear yolo I feel for you and your family.

DH had radiotherapy at the Marsden as an inpatient. He was afraid he would be bored but, like most of those going through the treatment, found that he mostly slept from one treatment to the next.

At mealtimes, it was not unusual for more than one person to fall asleep face down in their food.

My mother used to say 'this too will pass'.

Yolo sounds like your family has had a rough ride of it recently. I hope your DH picks up when the treatment finishes. Poor sod, and poor you. All sounds grim.

Dint I can imagine!

it would not be walking distance - she doesn't walk far anyway, but where she lives is all houses, I'd have to be at least 20 mins walk away to get a flat. More likely is I'd end up a bus ride away and she doesn't do public transport. Though she is thinking of starting....but the point would be to pop round most days anyway so I would hope that wouldn't occur to her to just turn up at mine.

it doesn't sound mean at all - I don't do people dropping in anyway. I am the MNer who doesn't answer the doorbell.

I am revisiting the idea of moving near to her. I wonder if it will be easier if I can pop by most days instead of staying there 2 days in a row. You need to judge the distance carefully, so you can pop by easily (including on foot if you ever want to feel free to have a glass of wine) but so that she can't easily pop by on you. It sounds really mean, but one gets a sinking feeling seeing an elderly parent standing by the doorbell - you're always on edge because so often it's not a simple "pop by for a cup of tea and a chat". And you need to have some escape from the caring role.

ach, it's hard. no quality time at all at the moment, and he prefers to be in our bedroom as we have an ensuite, plus he is uncomfortable sitting rather than lieing down. I'm sleeping in DD2's room at the mo because he is up and down every hour during the night and if I'm in there he says I snore (wtf???!! ) so he has no chance of getting back to sleep. Basically he is in bed all day unless we have hospital trip (6 more days of those); he gets up when he wants some breakfast (plus chemo tabs), goes back to bed, gets up for a sandwich, goes back to bed, then up for something to eat in the evening before chemo tabs. Working out a way to eat together is impossible, as is working out what he might want to eat so I can cook it for him. I honestly dont know what to do, but am hoping that in 3 weeks or so (post treatment) he will feel better and start to reengage with life. Although we will then be in the limbo of waiting for next MRI scan and surgery planning... Honestly, if mum was still alive I have no idea how I could possibly cope with that as well. Her death was a blessed relief in so many ways - most of all for her.

Oh Yolo you sound so much like a strong, caring, funny woman. Just being shit at from above ( or below). Is there anyway your dh could lie in the living room. It is so isolating being in the bedroom, you don't have to do anything but dose of, and you don't participate in anything. Imo the quick way to feeling sorry for yourself. Could you run it by him perhaps you could find a solution to fit both of you.
Best of luck and kind thoughts.

Yolo that sounds really tough. Does your DH have a bit more energy in the day? Do you have any quality time with him at the moment, or are you in the limbo time waiting for him to recover a bit after the treatment has finished?
116 that would be another almost 40yrs if that was DM - I think I would just emigrate!

yolo cross post

I feel for you. Would it make sense to say you are taking ten mins together to just have a cuddle while he dozes?

sandwich thank you

I think counselling would just feel like another thing to do. My mum is very keen that I go and do what she considers "normal things for your age" But I cut back my social life massively a couple of years ago, because I do much better with peace and quiet. So actually even when I didn't have the responsibility of looking after stuff for her, I was out of spoons.

oh I'm struggling tonight and not feeling amazing at all. DH has closed himself off from us all, I told him that I miss him (because he is basically in bed all day) and he said I could go and sit with him but I wouldnt want to. which is kind of true, because I am working my bloody arse off (various stuff including paid for work) but also because I am crap at sitting still, and he will have the telly on some bloody car programme while I twitch with boredom and he dozes. So I kind of cant see the point really? better to get the washing done/the housework (so far as I actually do it)/earn money etc etc and keep things on a fairly even track while I can. bah. cockroach all round.

Strength and patience to you all 💐

Please consider the saying 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'
In my opinion this is simply not true, and not written by a long time parent carer. So please take care of yourselves and your families.

re saying the unsayable....I suppose I had a lovely life, yes, I had to step in with various parental health issues before. But when there were two of them, it was so much easier.

I feel now that my next however many years will be about my mother. This is not her fault at all. It's that I am struggling to switch off. I have anxiety and depression generally, sort of lurking in the background as I have meds. So with work and mum, if you know the spoon theory - it's like all the spoons are used up with those two.

nota I agree I know that considering your own needs is hard but you really must do what is right for you and your own situation. There is only so much you can do.
Sorry for everyone who is feeling the relentless pressure at the moment. It helps to know you are not alone.

Finally, you reflect how I feel - grieving for what I have lost. Not so much with DM yet, she is not as far down the line as most of your parents, although there is a definite shift in me needing to do much more of the thinking as well as caring for her. It is 14yrs now, and the grief still catches me about what I have lost with DF, or what we lost when he was ill for the year before he died. I was so busy with everything going on, and it didn't really occur to me that he would die so soon. We were really close, and I can't help thinking he has missed so much with DC who he never met. I think that is what helps me carry on being patient with DM even though it is tiring sometimes, I don't want to feel like I wasted the time with her. I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like had it been the other way round, and DM went instead of DF, then I feel guilty for thinking that.

I really miss the days when all I had to do was ring my folks every other day and then drop in once a fortnight.

I so recognise this reaction to the different stages. I thought today, around 5pm when i used to phone my mother (after my father died) how i missed talking to her. Shes too deaf to be comfortable talking on the phone and too tired to do much more than snooze these days. Its a bit harsh to call it compassion fatigue, @Grace212 You, well, we, are grieving for what once was.

Better to have loved and lost, and all that sometimes helps me.

Sometimes , it's all about railing against the dying of the light

yolo thank you. Maybe I've totally lost perspective. I think I have some hormonal issues going on which is not helping. I'm sure you were fab to your mum, we probably just all feel our frustration bubbling underneath.

re your DB, I hope he's done some other stuff?

monkey yes I can understand you can't face the conversation again. Are you thinking of moving because of your mum? (which I would totally understand).

Have told DM that we are thinking of moving, but she immediately forgot. So to be honest it's not something that I am going to raise again until nearer the time, otherwise she will quiz me endlessly.

nota you must do what is right for you and yours... however many hard choices that may present. I wouldnt have moved (for endless reasons) but being the 'daughter round the corner' presents so many problems at every stage. I know it sounds easy to say, but if you want to move then do it - you wont get another chance.
grace you just sound so bloody kind and lovely! I know I was not nearly either of those things with my mum, but again: this is YOUR life, live it the way that suits you.
Spent about an hour at mums today, finding bits of paper to photocopy and send to the conveyancing solicitor. Did DB do it? no. Would I expect him to do it from 250 miles away? no. Was it a PITA? hell yes!!

monkey also I hope you feel better - hugs to you.

monkey

does your mum know you're thinking of moving?

this is why my lovely mum keeps saying to me that it's not suitable for a 40something woman to be spending so much time with an 80 year old, I guess. Bless her, she is showing so much independence and I'm still whining.

thank you all for listening to me whine!

yolo I find mundane chit chat difficult full stop, but she is very down as well of course.

I don't know, tbh there's probably a lot of underlying stuff here as well. I couldn't say this anywhere else, but having grown up with parents with health problems, I felt astonishingly lucky to have them both around when I was 40. Now I panic slightly in case mum lives another 10 years. I love her to bits and she is so sweet, but I feel that I can't help someone for another few years. Selfish I know. And I feel horribly guilty about that.

I am revisiting the idea of moving near to her. I wonder if it will be easier if I can pop by most days instead of staying there 2 days in a row. Also, she has - listen to me moaning about my diamond shoes - said that after dad's money comes through, she wants to give some to me. So although I couldn't afford to move out her way, after that, I probably could afford it - and my area is getting rougher by the day.

I'm not particularly anti drugs but there's something about seeing people doing deals openly in the street in broad daylight that is unnerving. I joked the other day (on another thread) about half the High Street reeking of weed, but it really does, and while it's kind of funny, it also kind of isn't.