The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

I feel so sad and guilty that I don't go and visit DF in hospice more than once a week! And my stepmother and half sisters are ignoring me completely because they obviously feel I'm not doing enough. It's an hour by car so two hours journey, much longer in heavy traffic, which is usually the case. I don't care that much about what "they" think but I care desperately that Dad is lonely and sad. He isn't able to remember much short term, even in the course of conversation but I'm sure the loneliness and sadness endure. He's in pain, in spite of pain meds, and feels he's a burden to us all. I always reassure him that he's not a burden, that he could never be a burden to me and that I love him dearly. DD and I are going to visit him tomorrow.

Jace I see. I hope he can get more help with those things.

If I’m not around for a few days DF swallowing deteriorates as does his speech
He can’t reach as high or do as much for himself
When he was in hospital over Xmas for 5-6 days it set him back 6+ weeks and has taken 3 weeks of intense work to get back to how he was on Xmas day

Dint yes, please, have ALL our snow

seriously though...I am partly being selfish....I will find it hard to deal with mum's upset if we have to rearrange. I never wanted to do it in Jan because of this exact risk, I'd have waited, but I guess she needs the next step.

Jace I'm impressed with your energy levels. When you say you notice the impact on DF if you do less, how do you mean? I think it can be easy to imagine an impact when you are so stressed about someone you love I know I did it with dad in the hospital, one time there was this really noisy git in the bed opposite, I was looking for someone to complain to.....and it turned out it wasn't bugging dad at all!

Can any SW out there offer any advice
DF was jointly assessed for CHC by a nurse and a sw from hospital discharge team - the only other thing the SW did was email me a list of nursing homes
I feel like I’ve been left high and dry
Should DF not be assessed by SW under the care act? Which would include carers assessment for DM or me
I also think he should be on a DOL as restrained in wheelchair and bed and home itself due to his cognitive inability to recognise risk etc
He gets quite agitated and tries to undo straps and climb out of bed which has raised sides
He cannot stand so would fall anyway but the nursing home don’t seem to think it constitutes a Dol and I don’t want to upset them so would prefer it if SW mentioned it to them

I have dropped swim/gym to twice a week already but it is also one of the few me things I have left and quite relaxing as also go in spa tub. steam rooms and sauna
DB works away more and is more confident on physio than the other stuff
DM doesn’t get it due to dementia
DD does 1-2 sessions a week DS does 1 which leaves me 4-5
The trouble is we all have full on jobs which often mean late finish, long commute, working away or anti social hours
I could do less but the impact on DF is noticeable
Once we’ve had the financial assessment and know how much we will be paying for nursing home will consider extra paid for help
Have a meeting this week with community rehab team so will hopefully find out where he is on their waiting list

Ooh, I always hope for snow. It's what gets me through the winter without SAD. Can you get all your snow sent here instead, please?

please can you lovely people do a no-snow dance

we're supposed to scatter dad's ashes on Wednesday, can't take mum out in the snow anyway as it's not safe, but also he'd be well pissed off as he hated snow as much as I do.

snow and oldies are always a scary combo. I had so hoped for no snow this winter, makes things even harder for mum.

thigh you'll just have to make sure those Teflon shoulders are in good condition then!

Thinking from the other perspective, when I had both parents (30 years ago now) I would always see them as a couple - and would normally take DH. Same for PILs. But that was because they lived 200 miles away, and I wasn't/we weren't going to pop over there just to see one of them. Whereas our DSs are local.

Sounds like your Mum may be feeling a bit unloved. It may be completely irrational, but that doesn't make the feelings go away. Is there any way you could do something just with her? Even just taking something to show her that your father wouldn't be interested in, and showing her in a different room?

I've decided that the only thing that only I can do is provide my company and chat. I get their cleaner/carer to do as much as she's able to and secretly pay her from their money.

Jace I'd explode and melt at the same time if i was doing as much as you.

When you have a clear head moment could you sit down and look at your schedule and see what you can jettison? Could you do the extra re your DF every other day for instance or could someone pay someone to do that?

I mean this very kindly but what can be done by others and what things are skills that only you have?

Separate relationships. For meals we are usually as a couple, if not a whole family - inc both DSs, DIL, DF. But otherwise DS1 and DH sometimes go to cinema on their own, but DH does DIY with/for DS2, and I do gardening. OK, it's jobs, but let's face it, almost anything is an excuse for socialising. Whether we're normal or not is a whole other question.

Certainly a hug is no reason for eye-rolling.

Jace that's so much, I'm normally one for working out nearly daily but cut back drastically when dad was ill. Sometimes I felt it was better just to sit still.

Saturday is my only night off I’m over at DPs house having more than a few drinks

Stroke not strike obviously

Not been on here much recently as struggling still to juggle work, life stuff and DF in nursing home following strike DM in their home with dementia
DM rang my brother and accused me of stealing all her money because she had a letter off the bank that she didn’t understand
It was about the lasting power of attorney for DF!
I’ve got a meeting next week with SS for financial assessment re his nursing home fees but because he’s not classed as permanent yet am worried about financial impact on DM as can’t claim pension credit etc for her if he’s still seen as living there!
I’ve found a new part time career as SALT, physio, OT and nutritionist to DF, but whilst very rewarding is adding to my workload
I work long hours in a very stressful job and am now doing 1-2 hours overtime most nights with him
I also try to go to gym or swim a couple of times a week which means I never get home before 9 any evening, so just cook eat wash up and go to bed
I’m running on empty and can’t carry on like this
DM still rings 3-4 times some evenings due to her dementia and I have to visit her a couple of times a week as well
It’s not just the practical stuff it’s the mental load
On a more positive note I’ve given up on cleaning and housework DD is my new cleaner (paid) which is working well and both DC are fab re emotional support

Dint I'm so pleased, your Dad sounds like a clever and inventive man. Personally I think the more normal socialising and as little caring as possible is food for the soul.

It's less aggravating for us and more stimulating for them. They can remember decades ago far easier than what they had for breakfast.

Oneday your couple of lines have encapsulated a lot for some of us.

Thank you everyone, Dad is awesome, I've been very lucky on the Dad front.

I remembered something else. In a vain attempt to stop me smoking as a teenager he banned me from smoking in the house (back when everyone did).

We lived in a bungalow so naturally i climbed out of my window and went into the dark garage. There was Dad standing in the dark smoking his pipe, he had decided a unilateral rule wasn't fair and banned himself too!

thigh you've inspired me to try to make space for some father/daughter time. There's been just too much caring/organising going on, and by the time I've battered my head for a couple of hours against the brick wall that is my father's "logic", all I want to do is get away, and avoid going back for at least two days.