The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Oh thank God ive found you guys.

Im at the end of my tether and dont know where to turn.

My mother is 83 with serious and complex, lifelong health issues.

I am sorry to say she is not a nice person and is regularly abusive. My DP has now said he only wants me to go to her house with him as she is 100 times worse if im on my own.

I need to get something done. Despite her somehow getting herself to the hospital to demand antibiotics (very long story) amd them breifly once recovered asking those "when is your birthday when did the ear end" they seem to feel she has capacity.

I dont believe she has dementia as her difficult behaviour has always been evident.

How can i get them to listen? Ive spoken to a gp that isnt my mum's gp but one i was hoping my mum would trust and whilst she agrees she needs help she says their hands are tied without my mpthers consent as they feel she has capacity. She clearly doesn't yet they say they cant assess this without her permission.

This is affecting my mental health.

You guys are my last hope

I think we all have our ups and downs, and it can be the tiniest thing that tips us over the edge (although 15 boxes dumped at church is not tiny at all!)

Thank you Yolo , very wise and true words. Hope you are doing ok x

The value of this particular thread is that we all know how it is. And even when your oldie dies, whether it was easy or not, whatever the relationship was, we understand that it's always complicated. And death is an end in one way, but also the start of another mental process.

Apologies for sounding so self absorbed. I know lots of people have much worse going on right now. Just having a little pity party this evening!

whatever45

July. I agree Christmas was kinda relaxed without the usual horrid atmosphere of trying to face dealing with her. Her birthday was always difficult as whatever I tried to do was never enough.
It's been a difficult week as last Saturday I was given 28 days notice that my DF care home is closing. I hate the place, ( my DB and DM decided a few days before Christmas 2017 that they couldn't have him at home so it was a rushed decision that became permanent) and so I've been trying to find new place. Also this week my DB ( who I'm not in contact with and is still living in the house) , dumped 15 boxes of books and craft stuff that belonged to my DM ( including a diary of my parents honeymoon) off at the church that I attend. Just been one thing after another.

whatever when did she die? we had a lovely first Christmas after mum died, but I have no grief, just relief really, and I can see that birthdays would reopen old wounds. I'm sorry you're struggling. xx

whatever it gets easier.

And I'm sure that you weren't a disappointment to her.

Sorry not posted for ages but been lurking. Would've been her birthday tomorrow. Really struggling with the feelings this is bringing up. Feel angry and hurt by how every year I was such a disappointment to her. Relieved not to have to go through it this year but wow it's hard going .

Monkey

I heard about it here. My mum did her DNR in September last year and the GP didn't say anything. She told him she would keep it in her handbag and he seemed to think that was sensible in terms of if she got taken to hospital suddenly.

then I told her about the bottle thing, she asked 2 friends with DNRs and they said they'd not heard of it, so she's not doing that. Maybe there's going to be a rollout of it? I think sometimes it's considered such an unsavoury topic we don't hear. However, I am surprised the GP didn't say anything to her when she did the document.

Mum's lovely GP called me at 7.30pm yesterday as she needs to make changes to her DNR - she assumed I knew what she was talking about, but from the sounds of it a change in legislation?

She also told me about a 'message in a bottle' which is a thing that many elderly people, or people with dementia have, which is a dedicated 'medical' canister kept in the fridge which lists things like meds, next of kin, and where the DNR is kept in the house. Apparently emergency services look in the fridge for them.

I googled and the Lions Club produce them, and they are provided in pharmacies etc. Is it just me that had never heard of them?

Jace, can your DM get Attendance Allowance? Not a great deal but still, a bit of extra doesn't hurt.

It’s the local authority who do the financial assessments
I have a meeting with the DWP next week, but am suspecting there is nothing else we can claim for DM, until DF savings run down to a level where he isn’t totally self funding or he becomes a permanent resident in which case DM gets to keep half of his private pension

Jace, who does the financial assessments? I hope your mum can get more, good grief.

was meant to go home today but prevented by weather. Argh. I love mum to bits but I don't think living with another human being is for me! I thought the house was big enough but today I was clearing out some of dad's junk and she appeared in the doorway with "I'm booooored, shall I help" - she is so used to company and I find it so weird having all this chat. Clearing out junk is supposed to be a solitary therapeutic type job IMHO!

then again, I see everything as a solitary task. After 60 years of being with dad, she totally doesn't!

Got response from financial assessment team today DF is totally self funding which means all his DWP n private pensions plus attendance allowance go to nursing home fees are topped up out of his savings and 3rd party top up paid by myself and DB
However because he’s only classed as temp in nursing care we can’t claim any pension credit or other stuff for DM who now has £88 a week to live on
On a more positive note community rehab team visited today to assess they are really positive about progress he is now top of their waiting list and work will commence soon - they are coming to do home assessment as well as seem to think there is a realistic prospect he may be able to return home
DM still thinks alternately we are wonderful n she is happy to leave it all to us n next moment we are all plotting against her and taking all her money!
Which will go down well when the DWP visit next week re appointee ship n LPOA etc
DF was having a very grumpy day today n told me off in his own way for being bossy - which I shouldn’t take to heart but did!

thigh you are brave, I dont think I've got the strength to stop yet. Just started to snow here, only a tiny few miserable flakes but DD1 is out on the (local) town for a work awards thing, taxiing home but I will no doubt be unable to sleep til she gets in...

thigh yes, sorry, that doesn't compute does it, lol.

Re giving up smoking, are you going to use patches or anything?

This cold weather, ugh. Makes me bizarrely tired and poor mum has terrible aches and pains when it's this cold. Roll on spring!

Last day of smoking today. Apparently it's bad for you and no longer cool. Plain wrong but what can you do.

It must be the title of an obscure musical a la The Boyfriend.

thigh I mean a genuinely useful one though. We can only dream!

Bert "People keep saying this is great."

how annoying. I would love a useful sibling though!