The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Thanks folks. Yes, suspect another TIA, she’s been very anxious about a hospital appointment recently and we often see a deterioration with anxiety, is that familiar to anyone else?
I’m currently with them but in her bad books as I’ve suggested additional support, I don’t think I handled the conversation well.
So sorry to hear others are having or had similar experiences, you don’t realise how awful it is until it hits, do you.

biscuit self-funding gives a few more options, for example there are care companies who will send someone in simply to be a bit of company. Presumably he's paying out of savings/income, because while he's living at home, I don't think they can take the value of the home into account.

Hospital discharge team is working for the hospital. My experience is the same as yours, a focus on getting them our asap. Be firm, say what your worries about him coping are. MN advice was to drop into conversation that you are worried about xyz and an early readmission to hospital - apparently hospitals are evaluated on that - it seemed to work for me.

If it would be helpful, you might be able to push for "reablement" at home. Basically a set of carers whose emphasis is on helping the person regain his former ability. They can be there for up to 6 weeks.

Loneliness - yes, horrible, but try not to feel guilty. You as a single person cannot possible assuage his loneliness. You might be able to find a day centre or similar that he could attend.

Must admit I found your comment about "typical of his generation" amusing - he's a wee bit older than me and a wee bit younger than my DH - and I'm making similar comments about my own father. Maybe it's not generational, maybe determined independence is something that happens to all of us eventually.

Hi Candle, my mother has the same. We are trying to get carers in but the bloody agency is like treacle. I cannot get them to get on with it. I guess carers are thin on the ground thanks to Brexit. At present my dad is doing everything. It is unsustainable.

The agencies in theory at least can do live in etc, as long as you can pay.

YY to the GP too. UTI is worth checking. Could there have been a TIA?

Candle,
My DH family member had the same diagnosis but died a few years ago, It is a horrible disease.

I would speak to her GP to rule out any infection thinking urine type infection can increase confusion - we had that a few times.

Also, see if any local care agencies do over night care. I'm just looking for my own DF at the moment. It's seems some do 24hr cover with carers swapping over day/night or even after a couple of days.

Hello, I’d like to join your thread and ask for some advice please. Our mum is 82 with a diagnosis of Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer’s. she still lives at home with our dad, 87. We’ve seen a rapid deterioration in recent weeks, particularly the last few days where she suddenly doesn’t know where she, or any of us live. Had forgotten I was grown up with my own family tonight. We’ve been coping with daily visits from my sister and me, and she has reluctantly accepted a carer for one hour a week. This now isn’t sufficient, our dad is exhausted. Mum doesn’t realise exactly what her diagnosis is but is naturally desperately unhappy and, to be honest, living an unbearable life. However she is more than adamant that she won’t go into a care home, and a very strong character. We have the option of my sister converting her home to take them in, not an easy decision, but this will take months and months. Realistically we don’t have that long do we, what are the options? Do caters exist that stay all day? Is sedation an option? Does anyone have experience of timescales they could share?
Thank you in advance.

Oh MrsBert i know it is not fun when you are living it, but you gave me the first smile of the day (down with the flu).
What a nice physio, imagine coming home from work after demands like that all day 😀.
Perhaps that will be our salvage, think how much bad behavior is forgiven due to old age.
Then you all have something to look forward to 😜.

Thank you all for a lovely welcome and very helpful advice. It's amazing the things you don't think about when you can't see the wood for the trees. I didn't think that the "medically fit" would be code for bed blocking but makes total sense. After all they are not doing anything for him really and beds are in short supply.

To answer a few questions, Social services are aware of him but he is self funding - owns his own small home.

I have spoken to the hospital - home team who arrange discharge. To be honest they were unhelpful, more interested in how soon I could sort out a couple of minor adjustments to his house. He has aids put in around the house/stairlift at my insistence last year.

I have concerns about him physically coping and the carers having to do absolutely everything for DF. But I do worry/cry about how lonely he must be. I call and message him a lot but often feel guilty it's not enough.

He is/was a very independent and proud man as is typical I think of his generation. sadly I think that can also be a hinderance to their overall well-being.

biscuit they may not discuss him with you, but that doesn't stop you telling them things. Make it clear that you live at a distance and cannot contribute to his care. And tell them what he cannot do, and what your fears are. Remember he will be telling them that he's more capable than he really is, so say things like he is resolutely independent and wishes to go home, and you fear he is overstating his capacity.

What are your worries about him being home alone - his physical safety or loneliness?

What about funding his care - is he self-funding or are you dependent on what SS will provide?

Good luck biscuit.

So my mother got a physio visit courtesy of the fall clinic today. She was insanely high on account of it being her birthday. She made the poor man sing her Happy Birthday. About 20 times.

He was very lovely. I guess he is used to it, but my word she is really barking.

oops, forgot to say: 'medically fit' = they want the bed. But they actually cant discharge him if care needs are not met. Good luck, you might have to get quite stroppy but stand firm.

biscuit hello and welcome, you've come to the right place.
I think there is a difference between 'medically fit' ie he doesnt need to be in hospital, and 'fit' ie ok to live alone. Have you got SS involved to do an assessment/look at what they can put in place? We have a local enablement team who are very good, they came in 3x per day to help/assess at the same time (just unfortunate DM kept falling over again and again). But really they should assess him for his social/care needs before they send him home, and you absolutely cant be responsible given your family responsibilities and distance.

Hi long time lurker to the thread and feel it's time I said Hello. This isn't a great first post but I need a little vent and to someone else who might understand the frustrations of having elderly parents.

My DF is in his 70s, he had a fall at Christmas. This resulted in a lengthy hospital stay where they have found "something" in his stomach -his words he refuses to discuss it and hospital will not discuss it either without consent. Hospital now want him out of there as he's "medically fit" and he wants to go home.

Problem is he lives alone, 4 hours away from me ( no other family local and I have 3 young children and he "doesn't want to bother me") I only manage to go down every 6 weeks (have been down multiple times during hospital stay). He has a carers daily that will be increased short term but he can't walk to make meals/toilet without help etc but will not even entertain a conversation about a care home/respite.

I don't want to seem like a horrible daughter but he really does frustrate me at times. I want him to be happy and comfortable but I'm worried about him being home alone for most of the day/night. Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice?

Thanks for being a "listening ear"

Forty how very polite!

Gorgeous team leader in care home told my sister that DM said to her last month: "May I lick your skin?"

Hard not to Thigh when said medic is looking at you... I also don't want people to think that just because I'm white and her daughter that I am also a racist.

YY to looking out for your own MH. This post comes to you from my own GP waiting room (makes a change!) to talk sertraline dosage and that.

Today is my mother's 80th. I was there all Saturday with my sister, with whom I am being forced back into a relationship after 20 + years. I have to go back today, more for Dad than her.

She was a bastard, but so far dementia has softened her.

Monkey i don't think you should apologise for her racism, it's her not you.

Both my parents were pretty nasty to me throughout my life. Now my mother is housebound her nastiness is more pronounced as her world has become so much smaller. She has been so nasty to friends that most/all have dropped her, so she is stuck with me and DB (on occasion). And I think that pains her most to be reliant on me, who is clearly doing what I am doing for her out of obligation.

If I was a better person, I would do the things that I see others doing with their elderly parents, like take her to a garden centre, or shopping, etc, but I don't have the time nor energy. Or frankly think that she deserves that level of input from me.

I find her racism hard to take. If when I take her to a medical appointment I dread what she might say if the medic is anything other than white British. She thinks she is being clever, or 'has rights' to say things - 'I can't understand what they are saying, does nobody here speak English?'. Once is bad enough, but the dementia means she will then say it 20 fucking times in a row, with me apologising each time (she's deaf but refuses to acknowledge it or do anything about it, so anything other than shouting tends to mean she can't hear.

Last GP was black, and had my mum turning to me and saying 'I can't understand him, where is he from?'. And me saying 'LONDON'. She then said, 'you think you are so clever don't you'.

I'm not cruel (I don't think?), but functional and pragmatic.

You reap what you sew.

would they be those mirrors that make you look all different shapes and sizes? could be a complete mindfuck for the narcissists!

LEM, my mother got nastier, but she didnt start nasty, which is a comfort I suppose. With hindsight I think she was developing a very mild form of dementia and then the fall in June accelerated it dramatically. Some of it was funny (thinking she was Princess Diana) but mostly it was awful because she was so afraid.

Those of you dealing with unpleasantness- have you found this to be something that has developed with? I cannot remember a time when my mother wasnt difficult with a vile temper. I have a lot of guilt for my feelings of resentment and have little patience. I look at other people caring for elderly parents and feel like a total bitch.

I don't i shall visit the hall of mirrors.

One of the main hatreds I have of dementia is the 'goldfish in a bowl*' effect of repeating the same thing, no matter how rude or upsetting, every other minute. 'What did your aunt die of?' 'I hated my xmas present' etc.

*another stall for the fete.

We can also put the narcissistic mothers in the hall of mirrors.