The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Hello everyone one from a lurker who follows and really appreciates these threads and the advice and support from you lovelies.

I'm moved to post by reading Grace's posts, especially all the additional work you get landed with given your DM's insistence on not using online banking. It is really not fair, I do most of my mothers banking from an app on my phone which makes us so much easier to get anything done.

One point made me think of you is 'how would your mother know you had set up online? For example my mother knows that I do most of her banking 'on the computer' but insists on sending cheques to the ever increasing numbers of great grandchildren.

I tried explaining that it was effort for her to write the cheque, then we have to put each in an envelope , add a stamp find a post box and leave a few days. They can go astray so wonder whether lack of thanks means it didn't arrive etc. And at the other end it needs to be paid in or posted etc

Now I let her write the cheques (it's more and more of an effort for her) then I do the transfer on line and destroy the cheques.

Everyone happy and she is give only person putting in lots of effort

Re POA I would throughly recommend. Find a friend or neighbour prepared to sign that your mother is still sound of mind , fill in the forms with neighbour as certificate provider, you as attorney and your mother as donor.

I have it for my mother and DH, he has it for me. Great help when he is away travelling.

Send it off and when it is returned life will be s lot easier for you.

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

So far only the bank and the agency who provide companions have actually wanted to see a copy.

You are doing plenty for your mother. POA and online banking are things she can give you in return.

Hope it goes well for you.

Also if the POA only kicks in when she loses capacity, you may find you are continually asked for proof of loss of capacity, every time you need to use it.

Dint thank you

that's a good point re capacity on the money one, I will mention that to her.

whatever when is the move, I hope it goes well.

yolo you really are exemplifying the "sandwich generation". Except in your case it's 3-way, a sort of multidimensional sandwich.

Good luck to DS2

Gin, Teflon and anything else to everyone for the week ahead.
DF is now only one of 6 residents left at care home, waiting for delivery of new bed before we can move to the ( hopefully) lovely new home. New home asked me to provide him with his own wheelchair so he can be moved around more during the day. Have made all arrangements for this and the move and then have to approach horrid DB who has no involvement at all to get money back as he has POA for finances. Grrrrrrrr

Grace You can still do a PoA using paper forms, which can be downloaded from here:
www.gov.uk/government/publications/make-a-lasting-power-of-attorney
There isn't anything about bank details on it. Just details of who will be the attorney and when they can act, and any substitute attorneys should the main attorney(s) become incapable.

Dad has done his so that I can act even while he has capacity, which means I can set up a new account to pay bills and get shopping. I feed it from a savings account of his that I manage, but you could get your Mum to pay a standing order into the account you operate under PoA, while she maintains the management of all her other money affairs.

Health and Welfare PoA can only come into effect once she loses capacity, but again has to be set up when she has capacity.

If you want a PoA to kick in quickly, easiest way is to get it set up and registered with Office of Public Guardian straight away. Set it up so you can use it without her losing capacity, but promise her that you won't use it. Then if she goes into a home, it's a matter of simply showing the PoA to the financial institution you're dealing with.

If you write into it that it can be used only when she's lost capacity, you may be in a situation where she's in a home, but still has capacity, so you won't be able to do anything, but it's really difficult for her to manage the finances.

I would say both are worth doing, because if you decide they need to be done once capacity is lost, then you're too late. Whereas just because you've set them up doesn't mean to say you have to use them.

Bert adult social services arranged delivery of incontinence pads for my Mum. Don’t know if this is available everywhere but might be worth asking.

monkey and sandwich thank you

sorry, I phrased that very badly! Mum only wants the PofA to kick in when completely necessary - there's no way she would want her bank account details going online (I posted in probate about how I had to do the paperwork for dad's stuff as if I was working in some kind of Victorian age office, handwritten lists etc).

So I'm wondering how quickly it could kick in if something happened e.g. she has some sort of awful event and has to go in a home - I would need her money to pay that kind of bill if you see what I mean.

we are still going to do third party access because it would mean I could pay her bills over the phone etc and get her shopping and pay for it from her bank account and we can start that soon, whereas LPA will take time to sort.

sorry, I probably should have separated the two queries.

Hi Grace I have LPA for my mum's finances, it's much easier than getting you added to her bank account as it means you can also talk to other services like the council, etc if needs be as it's not just about the bank account. Basically I set up all her DDs etc to be paid online, and have a card which I use to buy her shopping etc with (it has POA on it). She also has a card, which she uses if one of us takes her out.

You have to apply for POA online. www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney. It's a bit of a faff but more repetitive than anything. Once you have it you can take it to the bank and apply for access to her account.

hello lovelies

this might be a really silly question so sorry if it sounds daft...

mum and I were talking about finance Lasting Power of Attorney and I was thinking about the practicalities. E.g. I found out when dad was ill, that if he was going to be permanently admitted to the local care home, they wanted to see proof of funds. Is that the kind of thing we'd need PofA for and if I had it, would it be relatively short to get the bank to do ...whatever it is they need to do?

for daily stuff, we are thinking to get me added to her current account as a third party. This is really so that if something happens, e.g. mum is in hospital and one of her mammoth heating bills arrive, I can pay it from her account rather than from mine.

That seems a lot less hassle.

however, with LPA, would I actually need it or would I show them her bank statements, so to speak?

hope this makes sense.

also, she wasn't originally planning on doing a health LPA but someone suggested she did because otherwise a hospital could override DNR wishes - but I've heard of that happening anyway? My experience with dad was that a) the hospital will go for saving lives at all costs, presume to avoid being sued b) they have a very strange definition of someone being in a fit state to comment on their own medical treatment

so is it worth it?

Thanks.

Well that's another weekend completely dominated by DM and her needs. Went in with shopping, new electrical device etc, did chores and set up device etc etc, checked that she was feeling well and no others chores needed doing. No sooner had I got in the house than she rang to say community nurse had been in and decided long standing wound is infected and doctor was needed.
Today spent sorting doctor visit etc. DSis and I have earned our tonight but we are happy to share with you all , 🍾🥂☕️🍻🍰🍩 help yourselves and enjoy.

🧚‍♂️🍸, lucky dust for you yolo

Didn't know Amazon was "eviler" than most 😂.

Thanks all. It's bed pads rather than pants ones : mum is a demon for getting her knicks off without Dad noticing, and then peeing everywhere.

Dad wants to avoid Amazon, because they are evil. Loads of suppliers, so I just need to find him a good deal.

Bloody hell yolo.

I hope the uni stuff isn't too harsh. They so hot on it though, my partner is forever having students hauled up for it. Has she someone to go into the meeting with her? There is usually a provision for an SU bod to a company her.

yolo That's good news about the house sale. I quick move would be wonderful.

It sounds like you are having a tough time. for you.

apollo in my experience they will take the person if house is/is going on the market. if you like the place, crack on!

I just need to unload some stuff... DH feeling shit today. DD1 has had numerous ear infections since early Oct, GP visits, antibs, blah blah. Now coming back again, she has no GP at uni so will have to wait til she comes back here and I demand an appt and ENT referral for her on Feb 21. DD2, oh god, I have to go down to her uni tomorrow, 3 hour drive, stay overnight with her in hotel because she and 3 others have been called in for disciplinary meeting on Monday. I think it is suggested plagiarism... the 3 girls revised together, had to write an essay under exam conditions for which they were allowed to take in notes. So perhaps their notes were too similar? fuck knows, but I am taking her away from her student house (snotty flatmates) and staying in a hotel with her tomorrow night to keep her calm, feed her, take her to meeting, and then come back because DH starts treatment Tues. I just bloody wish something could be straightforward and go well for us at the moment?

Bert Boots do incontinence pads, including own brand, and they will deliver either to store or to your home.

We have been looking at care homes today. The one he likes best has two room empty at the moment. How quickly can a house be sold???

Sainsbury's and Amazon do male incontinence pads Bert - unless they're really for you

Aaaah, Saturday afternoon. Lovely time to research incontinence pads, as Tesco seem to have stopped selling them.

Hoping I can persuade Dad to get them delivered.

Apollo i adore my Dad but can only do 3 hours at a time. Sadly the very elderly are just exhausting as their needs are so huge.

Apollo I understand exactly where you're coming from. I have a much better relationship with my Dad, but he drives me absolutely crazy. I'm so glad that we have the excuse that we don't have a suitable room for him here.

I would suggest, even while he's here temporarily, that you keep busy with everything you'r normally do, and don't feel the need to make conversation

He can have his own bedroom and bathroom and we have two sitting rooms so he won't have to be on top of me. He is very passive and would never ask for anything. I find this hard as my DPs are anything but passive! I sound like such a cow.