The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

yolo . I feel ashamed to grumble when I read what you and your family are going through.

Luckily we are getting used to this and took his dosette box of meds with us and i gave him chapter and verse. I did some little laminated cards for Dad and the family - contact nos and next of kin one side, meds on the other, credit card sized - I keep one in my mobile phone case. I'm having to do another batch - they're coming in very useful for ambulance people, A&E etc.

How do you pronounce "dosette"? - all the district nurses, SS etc around here say "dosset" to rhyme with "posset" or "cossett", ex SW friend of mine, retired 25 years ago, says "dose-ette" which seems much more logical.

what i can't accept is the lack of fucks given by his Doctors. on a similar line - how come my dad got discharged from hospital with pneumonia?

oh thigh, what can anyone say? I am so sorry. No you are not wrong, I think (based on my experience with mum) that NO ONE ever takes any responsibility, and there is no holistic care for the elderly. Where is he now, is he being looked after?

DH started treatment today. I was quite gungho beforehand, this is the day we've been waiting for for over 4 months. And yet, before he went in for his radio it suddenly hit me: these people looking like shuffling wrecks prob looked like he does today. Luckily he got called in then so I could go outside for a fag (!). Then more waiting, picked up the chemo drugs which all have red labels on saying CYTOTOXIC and instructions about never letting them touch your skin, use a special glass to tip pills into and then chuck in your mouth, no one else ever to even breathe near the glass - ok some exaggeration. 3 hour round trip (and it wasnt inefficient at all). But day one of 25 down...

Mum took Dad to the GP today who wanted to admit him to hospital. Dad said no. It's a repeat of the pulmonary oedema that was so catastrophic last time. Fuck. He won't survive another round of hospital but how to treat fluid on the lungs due to heart failure without it? He's had recent appointments with the geriatric consultant and he has had an echocardiogram but none of that has been fed back to the GP.

When me and Mum took him to the geriatric he knew nothing about Dad, had no notes or letters. Luckily we are getting used to this and took his dosette box of meds with us and i gave him chapter and verse.

I can accept that Dad is simply wearing out, what i can't accept is the lack of fucks given by his Doctors. Am i wrong? When Mum rocked up with him at the GPs today the GP was all shocked and "how long has he been like this?". For months you dozy bitch.

thigh to be fair, the flip flopping is not about grief - it's mostly me trying to adjust to having another human being around. You might recall I took redundancy before this happened, had a lot of home working time as I hate working in offices etc, so mostly when I flip flop and behave irrationally it's brain fry from not being alone, if that makes sense.

tbh I have def finished the worst of grieving....that's probably why I'm hyper-noticing mum's sadness. I'm now at the point where I can get up in the morning and be cheerful. I hope that doesn't sound callous but an awful lot of my grief happened when dad was actually dying as that part was soooooooooooooo awful...so now it's a bit weird, two people trying to mosey along at totally different stages.

I do have odd random tears - nearly had them in Aldi today, of all places! - but generally - and based on previous experience of grief - I have passed through the stages I think. And mum makes me feel down when I'm actually not down.

yolo That's a great update - very happy that you've had a good day

I wouldn't put mum's bank stuff online without telling her. Yes, Grace, that's how I feel too. Dad feels really scared of on-line banking (too many stories of scams and hackings)and I'm not prepared to tell him outright lies. He still has capacity, and I don't think I can over-ride his feelings. Besides which, he couldn't cope with on-line banking - typing is not accurate enough (he can't type in a pin).

There again, I'm not fussed - I'm not going to do on-line banking until they've got that thing set up whereby it tells you whether the account name you're "pushing" it to matches what you think it should be. I'm too capable of typing the wrong number. So I'm still using cheques - which is not at all uncommon where I live.

Bert Sorry, that must be so hard

re "is what I'm doing sustainable" - yes, it is, no worries there.

thigh I think your sister gave it to you. I think you mentioned it before and I was like, ooh, Chanel!

sandwich what was mum like before - an averagely cheerful soul, not OTT. Never one for strops or bad moods. Endless patience. She is still the same, and she tries to laugh at my jokes and stuff on TV, but the sadness is just oozing from her, it's not her fault. She's also aged hugely; she used to be mistaken as being much younger and now I have to say she probably looks a bit older than her years. But she lost the man she loved for 60 years so it's going to be how it's going to be.

I have been quite overawed by her patience actually - I have been a pain in the butt around her house sometimes - but as far as she's concerned it's the family house, so she wouldn't like me calling it her house and she wants me to feel totally free in it.

and I have been a pain flip flopping about what I want for a couple of professional obituaries we are doing for dad and she's like, it's okay, take time to decided what you need.

she's fine with any level of crazy, any tears, any irrationality. Sadly I didn't inherit her qualities of being a lovely patient person. There's no way she could be described as being hard to live with in any way. I just reallllly love living alone.

I suppose another way to view it is just that as long as she can live alone and I can continue to spend a few nights a week there, we should do that, and then if she needs me to move in later, I guess I could try that.

Very pleased to hear about your daughter Yolo. What a relief!

yolo glad at least something worked out 😀.
thigh you are not insane, lots of good explanations: could it be Gummys?, the dogs, a husband or just the elves? All reasonable explanations in my book 😂. BTW have a Chanel perfume (now oold) don't like the smell either, too much elderly lady.

I finally have concrete proof that I'm insane and have been for a long time. I was looking through a drawer and found Chanel body lotion. Did i buy this? If so, when? I don't like Chanel but now will have to use it.

I will be a Chanel smelling Weeble, a perfect sphere.

Oh cross post!

Oh Grace, "doing enough" is just a bucket with a hole in it : you never fill it.

Are you doing what you can realistically sustain? Because any more than that, is way too much.

Care coordinator today with mum and dad, plus the lovely physio who was so sweet last week.

They are going to increase her psych meds (the memory one and the SSRI) as she is taking them without side effects. Happy days. Less happily, she looked at me quizzically and told I I wasn't me so who was I.

well, a middle aged life....

earlier in the thread I was talking about a woman I know who has really been pleased with the results of moving in with her olds and helping care for her father. I suppose one key difference is that that both parents are there.

re enough - yes, I have a concrete vision.

it's "move in with her and do as much as possible" bar the stuff that can be paid for (when the time comes - at the moment she doesn't need physical care).

I really thought I'd do that, but her unhappiness is so relentless. It's not that she grumbles, not at all. It's visible in every fibre of her being.

she thinks it's wrong for me to consider moving in - she said it would be ruining a young life and that's not fair. Bless her, she is right.

Wise words re enough.

Grace what does "enough" look like to you. Do you have a concrete vision or is it just some vague feeling? If it's vague then how will you achieve it or know where to aim?

Yolofish you are spot on, 'enough' is purely relative and as my DSis has just reminded me whatever we do it's never enough for Mum.

still dont feel like I'm doing enough was that windgate that said that? (sorry if not)

One thing I learnt is that 'not enough' is purely relative, that one person's doing something everyday is probably seen as less valid than another person swooping in and being wonderful and then fucking off again. And, as we always say: you can't pour from an empty jug. So self-protection is a good thing, not a bad thing.

still don't feel like I'm doing enough.

You are in fact doing lots, and having to follow more cumbersome processes laid down by the person wanting the help

Not fair in anyone's book. I feel for you.

Sounds like a red letter day yolo.

Afternoon all. Good news: DD2 and two others hauled up with her have been told there is NO case to answer - huge relief but what a load of old bollocks! Anyway we went for drinks on the pier, then to the aquarium, back to the hotel, out for a delicious dinner then breakfast this morning and a bit of an anxious wait. Her friends are delightful (as is she, obvs). And as yet no one has cancelled DH treatment for tomorrow! Nice to be home with ddog.

Bert ah, yes, thanks for that.

Finally hello and thanks for posting. I wouldn't put mum's bank stuff online without telling her.

it's interesting that you say I'm doing a lot for her because I still don't feel like I'm doing enough. I didn't anticipate how hard it would be to spend time with someone after so many years living alone and also I never actually thought I'd end up having to look after someone in any way.

oh well.