The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

We need a new thread - we're getting close to the 1000 post limit. So I've started one here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3533423-The-second-new-shiny-2019-thread?watched=1

Dint

one of the worst things about this whole elderly parent thing is the sheer number of bizarre feelings that arise. Well it has been for me. A lot of the things I have thought, I find myself thinking "that's not me at all".

it's so unsettling. And you must absolutely exhausted. I hope you get a chance to relax tonight

no dint it's a big change for all of you, and there will be different pressures. Hopefully, he will not fall over - or if he does, you wont have to spend the night on the floor - but fingers xd for you all that this works out. Having said that, my mother managed to fall over in 2 out of the 3 care homes she was in - I think probably deliberately.

what's the thing with the photo? They all have their names on their door, on a big plaque with a photo underneath. There seems to be an attempt to relate the photo to the person, which I realise is not just a nice gesture, it makes good sense. Firstly by reminding the staff of the history of the person, so they can win brownie points in the audit process for "treating me like an individual", and secondly to help those who are finding it hard to read to recognise their own room from the picture under the name.

I arrived just after photo delivery to my father and the care home manager in deep conversation about engineering (largely he conversing, she listening) - but since she's married to an engineer, she probably didn't find this as daunting as a lot of people would.

Thanks, all, for your support. I needed the sympathy! It seems so selfish to feel disgruntled about the opportunity to give my father the care he needs.

dint that all sounds really positive - but remember, it's a shock in itself for you, be kind to yourself lovely xxx

Dint they sound good

what's the thing with the photo?

Glad he enjoyed his Arctic Roll

Just been in to see DF. He was polishing off sausage, mash and gravy with enthusiasm, then had his, I think, first ever encounter with Arctic Roll, which he seems to feel is a Good Thing(the AR, I mean, not that he's avoided it so far).

The place isn't ideal, but I'm impressed with a few things 1) there seem to be a lot of staff around 2) the staff are friendly and introduce themselves wherever you bump into them 3) Dad has been getting really upset that their tick list of medicines is in alphabetical order, whereas the one he is used to working with in is on "clinical need" (as in - however messed up you are today, get at least these 4 into you) ... and they're already re-ordering their list into his preferred order 4) they're spot on with the photo they've used on his name plaque. I suppose no 4) is sensible in that it's a visual clue to all staff as to whetehr they're dealing with the obsessive engineer or the fanatical football fan, and 2) helps them to get the approval of relatives for the CQC reviews.

Dint I feel for you

whatever it is a consolation of sorts, simply because mum is one less 'thing' to have to cope with. Which is probably not the way to view her, because up until she became so feak and weeble we actually had a pretty good relationship, but certainly the last 8-10 years of her life saw me becoming ever more drawn in. I'm determined not to do that to my kids, I will find a nice sheltered home or something. What horrifies me is the prospect of DH parents suddenly, or even slowly, declining - I dont know what will happen there, FIL is 89 this year, MIL going to be 80. They live an hour's drive away from both their children; can't see anyone providing the sort of resource/help/care that I did for mum for them.

Yolo yes that's true. As you know my DM died in July and my immediate reaction was of relief that the strain of dealing with her was over. I've been feeling like it's been never ending drama since that but you are right to make me see how much worse dealing with the other drama would have been if she has still been here. We have had moments of calm between the storms but sometimes it harder to remember those.

whatever I think it might be called the snowball effect? We were honestly doing ok-ish til mum fell on June 7 and it went from bad to worse to worser... I know I can tell you lot, I am so bloody relieved she is dead. She hated her life; and I couldnt have coped with her, DH being ill, the DDs struggling to cope and DB's shit, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown.

Dint sending energy from here too. Please can someone explain why it's never one crisis at a time?? It seems often that you are just dealing with one thing and it seems really big,and then along comes the next which makes the first look relatively quite manageable!!!

jesus dint... the DNs couldnt do the night on the floor? etc

Got phone call from district nurses on Tuesday to say they felt Dad wasn't safe in his home - he seems to have had another fall on Sunday - and needed to move into care. Surprisingly, he agreed! So decided on emergency placement while we look for longer term place. So it's been a very busy couple of days.

Capped, yesterday, by DNs saying they weren't happy to leave him on his own and he needed someone (me) with him overnight - else ambulance (and we all know how hopeless ambulance and A&E are in dealing with non-life-threatening elderly falls). So I spent Tuesday night on his floor - does our social care really rest on requiring a nearly-70-year-old woman to sleep on the floor (without a mattress)?

Fortunately, once I'd made it clear that two nights on the floor wasn't an option, they found a place for him. Not ideal (mainly dementia, so he's not going to have much social contact), but local, and staff seem caring and competent. I'm just having a breather before sorting out his house (emptying fridge, dealing with security) and taking him in things we didn't pack yesterday - radio, alarm clock etc.

And just to add to the fun our dishwasher has packed up and our central heating has been Condemned (hole in the flue).

I think avoiding all communication is the answer! If it's not news of the latest drama its someone trying to be all caring and nice!! Can't handle it! Yolo thinking of you x

Four and a half months since mum died, and I am finally able to not panic when the phone rings, to think it might be something nice not just the latest disaster.

I honestly don't think people can understand what it is like unless they have lived through it.

The stress alone of 'mum' popping up on the incoming call on my mobile, because I know it could be any one of a number of problems that I need to deal with. Or the call from her Dr asking if I have done anything yet about x. I was in a team meeting recently and one of the ground rules was to turn our phones off. I wittered on about being unable to. Most people in the room have two healthy parents who think I am probably neurotic.

The time a colleague persuaded me to go for a G&T after work one night, and my mobile rings, it's DM having locked herself out and expects me to drop round with the spare key. I think I cried.

The tyranny of the bloody mobile. It means you can never truly relax.

I think it must be difficult though to put yourself in that situation - it's not quite as easy as saying "I'm sleep deprived because I have a young baby" kind of thing. It's the drain on mental energy and the feeling that you need to be there for that parent that is difficult to explain to someone - I've had close friends (with healthy parents) who when I've had a bit of a whinge have suggested to just step back a bit and don't visit- I just can't do that when she is relying on me and has probably not talked to anyone else that day.

I think most people are afraid of confronting the issues, and the horribleness that goes alongside. The petty bureaucracy, the very hard to process emotions, the amount of juggling that goes on, the knife edge you are living on. Really listening to someone doing it, and thinking about the fact that you might have to do it soon and have to cope - better/worse/not at all brings it far too close to home.

I am very forthright - which was the cause of the 'argument' between DB and his family and I. It seems I should have stuck with the 'she's a lovely old lady, she's going to be fine' when a. she wasnt always, and b. it was clear to me that she wasnt going to be fine at all. From my pov I was providing a healthy dose of reality, from their's I was cruel and heartless. The actual truth is probably somewhere between the two...

bringincrazyback
Yes I have been there 😀. With the friend i talked to the most, really tried not to vent to her, but of course she knew my situation. When I told her I was given ADs because everything just came crashing down, I didn't hear from her until after my ddad had died, more than 6 months later. I think with her it was that I didn't have the mental energy to listen to her. But in this situation we are not our usual cheerful selves and maybe we just are not that fun to be around. (Naturally).
I socialize with her now, but for me the friendship will never be the same.

bringincrazyback

btw, your username cheers me up because I start singing the song - but I may be making a massive assumption about your username there!

re friends - wouldn't say that exactly, but I was already introverted and it's hit my social skills because I just feel like I have nothing to say.

For the people who aren't going through it, to some extent I think there's no point them fretting about something that might never happen to them. For the people who are going through it, they often don't want to talk about it.

I did have one thing with a friend that I didn't want to talk to - but eventually I did say to her that we had concerns dad was losing his sight before he died (he wasn't actually, I think things were just shutting down). When I apologised for telling her, she said "don't worry, we have had all these appalling things with grandparents, but we don't talk about it, so you're not telling me anything shocking".

I didn't have grandparents so I have no context in that way.

anyway, the short version of that is that I think people don't want to talk about it and I completely understand why. This board has been a lifesaver.

I find huge amounts of time on MN and binge watching stuff is the most helpful thing.