Supporting spouse - PIL, dementia, controlling SIL

Well she has made her presence felt. Chairs are not suitable; budgie in a cage to be removed from mothers’ vicinity; position in room where mother was sitting; drinks; diet; father is a diabetic and has his bloods checked regularly has insulin injections daily and is greedy so her strict diet regime is out of the window. She has had hell on with the staff because they are letting him have biscuits, sugar in his tea instead of sweetners and meal choices including puddings (he is overjoyed 😆) Csil is going apeshit and is highly annoyed the carehome manager works M-F and staff are not pandering to her parents needs to her exact requirements but as it’s the weekend she can’t take issue. It hasn’t been a week yet.

Csil is flagging up concerns and nit picking about the carehome. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. She has however conceded that she cannot take them back to her house so at least we have that established.

The world revolves around them in her eyes. She will take her battles to the care home now. Siblings meet with carehome/social worker/parents on Wednesday. Fingers crossed they can find a permanent place for them and csil can get them to toe her line (!). I’m just a bystander now but visit placate and reassure them as best I can whilst this is going on. Father is happy to stay there, mother says “as long as they are together” then asks when is she going home. She has forgotten that her house has been given up and she has been living at her daughter’s home.

Positive update: Both have settled into a lovely local care home following 24 hours of confusion and agitation, father is beaming and saying he wants to stay there, mother is agreeing with him saying “as long as we are together”. Social worker along with care home staff are assessing their needs this week (father has deteriorated rapidly since he was last assessed). Csil is offering little resistance although ‘is reserving judgement of nursing home’. We have a full meeting with siblings and sw in a week. Fingers crossed they are allocated permanent rooms there. Currently in adjacent rooms with access to day room and lovely conservatory. So relieved. I am hoping pil continue to ask to remain there. Fil was emphatic he didn’t want to return to his daughter’s and complained he was unhappy there. (Meeting with nsil and sw who specifically called knowing csil was not there in order to ascertain their wishes without her present.

Hello again. A quick update: We are nine weeks in and finally after a valiant effort from Csil who it must be said has given it her best, has hoisted up her white flag.

Both parents have deteriorated and their dependence on their daughter as predicted has become more demanding. Mil is agitated and confused constantly through the night keeping the whole household awake. She has soiled the bed several times but Csil will not put her in incontinence pads (no idea why). Fil refuses to shower and put on clean clothes which causes friction between him and Csil. She shouts at him and he swears at her. Fil leaves the (shared) bathroom in a disgusting state and Csil’s adult children have that to deal with before they use it. They are starting to complain loudly to their mother adding to her pressure. Both brothers (and nsil) are visiting regularly and can see Csil sinking. She is getting no rest and can’t be out of sight from mil for more than a minute without huge agitation from mil who panics.

Csil yesterday called in the crisis team who are arranging to put them both into respite on Monday. This is a HUGE step forward for Csil, to admit that she cannot do this any more. We (as a family) are now on a mission to get them both into full time care as I don’t think Csil will take them back after respite. Hopefully the three siblings will be on the same page now that it is established the current situation cannot continue. One step at a time...

Well it seems as though the realisation of what csil has taken on is finally hitting home for her.

Nsil visited with bil on Sunday (now as visitors - not as ‘helpers’), their second ‘Sunday visit’ since pil moved into their D’s home: nsil informed me ‘the cracks are starting to show’.

The finances are problematic (as predicted ). Csil is complaining that “she has not had the ‘promised extra help’ SW had promised that was to pay for her own chosen local lady whom she pays ‘cash in hand’ to do domestics; pil’s income/benefits reduced immediately they moved in with her and she has to pay back three weeks over-payments as they received them for longer than they should have. I’m not involved with the finances but do know Csil was told that their income would drop once they moved out of their home and into hers.

Parents however are content and well looked after. Csil panders to their every whim and mil in her demented state acts like a child demanding coffee and biscuits constantly; is up all night for toileting several times, has had ‘accidents’. Fil’s personal care is becoming more demanding, although he ‘sees to himself’, the state he leaves the bathroom/towels/ is disgusting (he is blind/tremor - he doesn’t see the shit trail left for others to clean up). The bathroom upstairs which he uses is shared by csil’s adult children, they are complaining to their mother about this.

According to nsil - csil has been very angry at whomever she is in contact with at social services regarding promised finances and they have reacted to her anger by stating “it appears you are not coping”.

We have been away all week visiting our son and his family (new baby) at the other end of the country returning last night. H will visit his parents today and will make his own judgement of the situation. I am sticking to my guns and will remain ‘no contact’.

Ongoing.

It is a huge dilemma @NancyWho. Yes both H and I after experiencing watching their slow decline into advanced old age/infirmity have put into place poa so that our two sons can help us make the right decisions for all of us without guilt on their part. We are lucky we have the means to sell our property/trade down when we feel the time is right. We don’t want either of them to face the heartache of having to make the decisions that pil’s children have struggled to make.

H tells me he left them peaceful and content in csil’s home. It remains to be seen how long Csil manages to cope. She will be relieved to be rid of the responsibility of running two houses but now has effectively become a prisoner in her own home. I understand her heart ruling her head but the reality of her commitment has yet to be endured. I am sad and torn with conflicting emotions for all of us. It is not going to be easy for the brothers to stand by while their sister bears the brunt and not be drawn drawn in to a ‘care plan’ by default.

I will return to this thread as time goes on. It helps to keep perspective amongst the FOG.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Are sorry @ImaginaryCat, that was you

Thanks @ImaginaryCat. The hardest part for me is watching both H and Bil wrestle with the grief for their parents as they deteriorate and the responsibility for their sister who has taken upon herself this huge burden against their will. It goes against both their personalities to stand back and watch her struggle but neither of them want to be dragged into her world. Someone said up thread she will have to be at rock bottom before she throws in the white towel. It is going to be hard for them to to do this.

Another day amplifying the madness this decision is to allow one person to take on two demented elderlies. Husband has been working all day emptying/sorting the contents of pil’s house ready for their move into Csil’s house whilst Csil handled the care of them both whilst running back and forth between both houses. Bill called round after work to find the two of them confused and agitated. Neither of them can remember making the decision to move nor what on earth is going on. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for them all.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was our ‘last’ rostered ‘help’ day. True to form Csil managed to create a drama out of nothing. She insisted on taking her mother to A&E in the morning after we arrived because she had a painful shoulder. We stayed with father, H did the shopping whilst I did laundry prepared their meals ( as usual). Father is very depressed at the impending move but blows with the wind. Last week he said to nsil “Csil is looking out for them because you all want to put us in a home”. (We all know whose words they are from). He is a man who has been used to having all his needs met by others but we have gently put him straight that ‘this is the end of an era’ and we are only as strong as our weakest point. Mother needs 24/7 care he has made his decision when asked - he has to accept it’s ‘not all about him’. He knows, but he is sulking. Csil texted from the hospital telling us not to leave fil. We told her he was fine, fed and watered and didn’t need us sitting with him until she got back - if we were needed, we would return. She expected us to ‘come to heel’ - we didn’t. She returned from hospital mid afternoon. Another storm in a teacup. H has gone there today on his own to organize house-contents for the move. I have declined my help as I don’t want to be around csil who is there too. They physically move out on Friday. H is organizing the removals/dispersal of unwanted ‘stuff’ (house full of unwanted hoarding - they threw nothing out) and cleaners hired next week to finish off. (We are funding this as they have no sparemoney). Once this is done, Cil is on her own unless there is a crisis.

Hello again,

Just a quick update: SW did not call a meeting with all siblings but had a separate meeting with Csil to "address concerns raised" by her siblings. Following this meeting it was concluded by us that there is no way we can stop Csil taking her parents into her home so both brothers have accepted this and are assisting with the move which happens on Friday. H is managing and funding the house contents removal/disposal/cleaning in order to take away extra financial pressure on his family. Mil's condition has deteriorated quite rapidly - she simply cannot continue in her home - that is plainly evident. Fil too although resigned, knows he has to follow her, his memory is failing, he is blind and is completely dependent on Csil for all his domestic needs.

Both brothers have specified that they will not be 'on call' for continuing care once she has them under her roof; she accepts their stance and is determined that she will be their main carer. They will be living with her from Friday and the house is being cleared/cleaned next week and the keys handed in to HA.

It remains to be seen how long Csil manages with this huge burden she insists she is willing to bear. I and nsil are maintaining our own stance. I have sadly accepted I will not visit them there because I wish to remain NC with Csil and Nsil is reserving judgement until the first 'upset' as we know things will not remain without drama for long. Pil have no idea the strain they are putting upon their daughter... they just know no other.