How do you deal with the nastiness?

Yes, I had this with my Dad; always been a bit arrogant but UTIs and probable vascular dementia made him really hard work, nasty, foul mouthed and self pitying and by the time he passed I didn't like him much at all. It's taken me a few years to forget all that and start grieving properly for the lovely dad I remember from my childhood.

If he starts being rude and nasty can you say that he is obviously not up to having visitors at the moment, say goodbye and say you'll come back when he's feeling a bit better. Stay calm, don't argue, just leave.

I feel for you op. I have similar going on. He can make me feel so small. I've had to get stroppy with him and tell him when he's upsetting me. Sometimes visits are okay and I come out wondering why I've been dreading it but other times I come out so sad. Also he's very different with other sibling, not nasty like he's been with me

So then you could say, 'I'm sorry you're in pain, but that doesn't give you the right to say such horrible things to hurt me. If you do it again, I'm leaving.'

Ideally your mum needs to be on the same page too. But I can imagine this will be really hard if she's put up with his behaviour for years.

If he's always been this way, then you can't blame it all on his illness. I'm sure he is scared and lashing out, BUT it also sounds like he's a nasty bully and you've all been conditioned to pander to him and let him have his own way all the time.

Next time, if he says anything nasty, just say 'Dad, I'm sorry you're ill and in hospital. I'm sure you're scared, but that was really rude and hurtful. Please don't say things like that, or I will leave and I won't come back. I've been spending a lot of time visiting you, and I won't if you are horrible to me.'

Then if he carries on, leave. This may shock him into being nicer.

Your poor mum too. That's no way to live.

HUgs and

You need to get up and leave. He is selfish and nasty and you don't deserve it. He won't change, so to stop the abuse you need to do something and the simplest thing is to walk out of the room. We can't change the behaviour of others, just our own.

My DF was like this and it was hypoxia. By the end of his life, he was a little, foul-mouthed old man that I didn't like and I sadly don't miss him. I wish I did. I had no help, my DC were kids themselves and I was his only child. Nothing I did was right and I got no comfort or support from him when my marriage ended.

Have a word with the nurses about a UTI. Apart from that, there isn't much you can do. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Definitely ask staff if he might be suffering from Delirium

Common in older people in hospital and can cause behaviour shifts.

You say your dad has always been 'Demanding, selfish, arrogant and generally a bit of an arsehole'. There is a good chance it's not his illness doing this, it's him - he thinks that because he's ill - maybe terminal - he has permission to be rude and abusive to his wife and family.

It's up to you if you put up with this or not, but have you considered just leaving when he starts getting nasty and unacceptable? It's not like he can do anything about it. "any more comments like that and I'm going" "Right, I'll see you tomorrow".

Long term is there anything you can do to protect your mum? Will she stand up for herself?

My nan has just been in hospital and was exactly like this. I think it was a combination of UTI, feeling scared and vulnerable and also the start of dementia (she's in her early Nineties). Talk to social services about getting some respite care to relieve the pressure on your mum (the hospital can put you in touch). If it is a cancer diagnosis, there may be a hospice close by where he can go as a day visitor to give your mum a break and also for him to talk to people in the same boat, because he's most likely terrified by the prospect of having lung cancer.

OP the sepsis can cause delirium, this is particularly common in older patients. When he is over the infection he won’t remember any of this behaviour. Don’t be embarrassed, the hospital staff are used to it and know that it is the delirium and not your dad that is causing the behaviour IYSWIM. Good luck

An awful time for all of you. Have been there with my own dad. Looking back I realize he was very very frightened but having always been the protector and provider he couldn't bear to show weakness in front of his family. He would definitely have considered it weakness to admit to this so instead we had exactly the aggression ext you describe.

Hang on in there op. Look after yourself...and your mum ...and him as best you can. But remember ...this is more likely to be a marathon than a sprint.

I made the mistake of trying to be all things to all people ...every day ...doesn't work. I did better when I gave myself the odd day off. So sorry you and all your family are going through this. Take care.

Been there OP. Make visits short and light - turn up, talk for few mins then say you need to get X from hospital shop and does he need paper etc, go to shop for a bit for a recharge and back to ward.

I've pulled mine up on occasion.

My Dad was like this when he was in ICU. Apparently he tried escaping! Once he was on a ward and off the strong meds he was fine

My dad was like this when he had a UTI, it was horrible and very upsetting, especially as he was a good natured person. Speak to the nurses about his behaviour and good luck.

My dad was like this and it was a urinary tract infection in fact. I used to dread going to see him as you just never know who you're going to get whether you going to get the nice Dad or some raving lunatic. Yes it was incredibly hard to deal with so both you and your mum need a lot of support in the coming months. Sending you love and best wishes.

It’s a known phenomenon that being in hospital can make people lose their grip on reality. I guess it’s the institutionalised nature of it, loss of control, people poking and prodding you. It happened to my Dad when he was in his late 50s. Social worker was talking about residential care etc. because it didn’t seem like he was safe to be left alone. It passed and he’s back to his usual (always slightly unhinged) self.

So whatever is happening to your Dad could be amplified by the setting. Good luck.

To save your own sanity maybe do what I do with my DM. I just pity her and think of her as someone who has lost their marbles. FWIW I don't think she has completely, sometimes I think she's just a bitch by choice. But if I think of it as a mental degeneration rather than her choosing to make personal attacks and selfish actions, it's easier to brush off.

He probably has no idea who he's talking to or what he's saying. it is hard for you though and I am glad that is something I didn't have to face with late late father. See if you can get some support for your Mum from relevant charities. I found some helpline to be incredibly supportive when facing some horrendous scenarios.

It's sounds to me like a UTI. It's very very common in elderly people, especially when they are ill and in hospital. My nana had this (we suspect she has got a little bit of early dementia) but completely normal usually. When she was ill in hospital she was literally mad. Thought nurses were trying to kill her, turned really racist (not like nana at all). Was convinced her flat had burnt down and that my dad (who she adores) had sold all her stuff and stolen the money. As soon as the infection went away she was fine.

It sounds like the same thing. Hugs for you

This must be very upsetting, I would make a short visit with dh, don't take your daughter, she will get upset seeing him like this. It could be sepsis, cancer, dementia, medication, there are lots of reasons which I am sure the staff are considering. Do you have to visit twice a day, would you and mum feel able to not visit for a day, give yourselves time to relax a bit. When he gets a diagnosis and they start making plans ask to have a meeting with the doctor and nurse, explain that your mum will not be able to manage.