Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support and a rant

Depleted the coffers obviously, my offers are depleted too!

an expectation that any daughters are available
I'm thinking they are expert at piling on the guilt to bring you into line with convention...namely that women must martyr themselves

It must cost much more really to have families care when professional care would be kinder to everyone, but the cost to women in terms of health and earning capacity is hidden and 'invisibled' away.
In refusing and contributing to the conversation about this you are doing the right thing.
Anyway, I shall lurk and learn :)

yolo I'm sorry about the faff re your Mum's death certificate, is this really due at root to your DB kicking off? If so, could you leave it in his lap? How is your DH doing?

Grace i second Yolo's words of caution re moving in. You will never, ever get down time and SS will write you off.

am actually considering putting 'octogenarian death slide' on my c word list! oth might worry the inlaws...

oh fuck thigh that's a lot of dentist money - not available on NHS I take it? I would suggest thimble full portions on xmas day, so you can just slot them in your pockets - nothing worse than carting round a plated up meal (I know, I've done it - mind you, side plates are easier than proper ones...)

no probs word welcome, and sorry you have to join us... and what nota says about daughters is exactly right too. When sons turn up and kick ass they are treated like gods. daughters - pah! (bitter, moi?!)

Also in my experience there is an expectation that any daughters are available and willing to take on the responsibility of care. I've had to practice my steely smile and say no, sorry, that's not possible. And then wait for the shocked noises in response, often from women who themselves work full time.

Thank you Yolo and I have barged into the thread without introducing myself, sorry🙈
I have a parent mid 70s and am spotting signs of what could be cognitive decline, I have come here to benefit from the advice and experience which is so generously shared😊

that's the point word... if SS think family will do the jobs then they are remarkably hard to pin down. You have to be very blunt and state that family will not/are not able to provide the level of care required - chuck ball back in their court. So yes, do not ever appear to be able to provide the support required.

Agree with those saying SS will sniff out an actively supportive family from 20 paces and you'll be effectively left to it
It's alarming to hear this and surely it would just mean that people will catch on realise that it's best not to appear to be in a position to help your elderly relatives?

Cockroach nota and a big hug. Sorry to hear how crap things have been. xx

Thanks Yolo I know you have a shed load on yourself.

Cockroach all.xx

nota I am sending you the hugest hug and support I possibly can via the ether xxx. I know how hard it all is... but she shouldnt just be relying on you? I know, I know, preaching to the converted and all that. much love.

Evening all. Things not been good in the Monkey household, DS1 has been in crisis and that's meant I have been as well. It now looks like we will need to move house, so I have to look at properties within a radius for being able to drive to my mum's house in an acceptable amount of time - ie under an hour, which would mean something like a 3 hour trip in an evening. The rest of the family are very aggrieved by this, which brings it home yet again that she is my burden to carry alone. Someone at work suggested I buy a bigger place so she could live with me... Jesus.

I sat at work as late as I could this evening because I didn't want to come home. Am feeling very low and very stressed.

Oh and ps Littlespace Octogenarian Death Slide is the best band name I’ve ever heard.

We learned some lessons last year about what Dad can and can’t deal with around Christmas which - I know this sounds odd - means we can have a nicer time by not including him in absolutely everything this year. Previous years he has insisted on being with us for every waking moment (in fact he used to come and stay for 3 nights which nearly killed me) but last year I realised he doesn’t understand a lot of what’s going on (eg opening presents together, games etc) and he is patently knackered by late afternoon. The silver lining tho is that he also no longer really has a sense of it being a very special day so he’s not going to resist me packing him off home after lunch. Then we can all relax and have a bit of “normality”. That all sounds really mean doesn’t it? It’s just that he is such hard work - always has been, but obv worse with the dementia.

re stairlift, we got mum's through a naval charity (dad was in the navy) - worth exploring what area of work he/she was in? sometimes they have benevolent funds. mum was really anti the idea, but once installed she absolutely loved it! pissed the rest of us no end, but it gave her a lot of independence to go up and down stairs as she wished.

I looked at portable ramps for mum, our LA wont fund them. you can get aluminium ones which fold up, but they seem to start at about £400 each, and it all gets awfully complicated - you need one for the way in, a platform bit in the middle and then one for the other side. Luckily I gave up as would have been another complete waste of money - along with the orthopaedic bed I bought her for downstairs, £900 and she took one look and despised it. I actually slept in it for 2 nights as could no longer cope with the 2'6" single beds she bought for the grandchildren 30 years ago. It was very comfortable, if I needed a single bed I'd bring it home! Retailer wont take it back, need to ebay it...

grace you just have to let the feelings come and then decide which ones you need to act on I guess. I would caution moving in with your mum, and I think your unhappiness being back in your flat might be to do with the fact that you feel you have 'left her'. And 6 months down the line you might be very happy with your own little bolthole where you can retreat. IME they get more demanding, not less.

Grace... it’s really hard to feel grief / relief / guilt all at the same time. Just don’t feel bad about whatever you do feel. Outside ramps should be an option for your mum. If you speak to your adult social care department (number should be available either via the Llcal Authority www or from your GP) they should be able to sort you out a visit from a community occupational therapist and they can come out and go through all the options. We referred ourselves for my gran and the OT was great- she sorted out loads of stuff for us- bars on the walls, an aid for moving and handling etc.

Yolo, sorry you have all this to deal with.

It is such a range of emotions isn't it. My dad was so ill, it was right for him to go, but then I look at mum and feel terrible. She's 80 with heart problems and was never one for doing anything but hanging out with him.

But I too feel relief, the period of "another day of dad suffering in hospital" was appalling. But mum held on to hope in that time.

I know I should be taking this one day at a time but I'm rubbish at that.

Speaking of mobility issues, I really want to get a stair lift fitted in the house but my mum is the sort who would rather wait till the crisis actually occurs...!

Outside steps - are portable ramps an option?

I worry about my Dad's ability to access my house in the future too. We have some steps down to the front door and then the threshold of the door itself for him to navigate up again.

I find myself day dreaming about bridges or slide chutes to send him over the steps and straight into the hall. It would need to be steep enough to propel him but shallow enough not to become an octogenarian death slide.

oh yes the c word... we (the 4 of us) have decided we are staying home and doing exactly what we want. ILs Christmas is always so completely overblown that I feel sick before we even sit down for lunch so we have the excuse that DH will be having chemo by then, wont be able to eat blah blah. That feels like another get out of jail free card!