Advice on how to stay strong for them

DancingDownRain · 2018-10-24T09:42:38+00:00

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be a mother with PND to an 8 month old baby and be strong and available and useful and hopeful and a good daughter to elderly ill parents and parents in law and return to after mat leave and find childcare and be a good wife, friend and sister. and not crack up. Please please please tell me how to be strong. I feel so small.

Original poster

DancingDownRain · 17/08/2023 02:30

🎵I've got a lot to pine about / I've got a lot to live without 🎵

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Original poster

DancingDownRain · 17/08/2023 00:26

Oh, another two have gone. Unsure how much loss humans are designed to manage in this space of time. It's cruel. It's unacceptable. It's fucking wrong.

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DancingDownRain · 11/01/2023 01:59

My surviving parent has suspected terminal cancer, I'm told today. They wouldn't get their concerns checked out over the past 5 years due to caring responsibilities. They served others before themselves. And now we wait. I don't know how much we are realistically expected to take. There is no balance, no calm, no chink of light. Enough now. Surely?

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Original poster

DancingDownRain · 09/10/2022 14:29

Thank you. I'm so sorry that you know this pain. You sound wonderful. I hope you can make space for yourself, too, as impossible as that seems xx

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MarshaMelrose · 09/10/2022 01:01

I'm so sorry, Dancing, that this has happened within such a short space of time. It's a dreadful time losing a parent or someone close. I lost my dad 7 years ago a week tomorrow. I till cry for him regularly. My mum has dementia and I'm losing her in front of my eyes. We're just contemplating homes for her now.
The sad thing is, if they were 20 years younger, they'd be saying to me, don't tie yourself down with us. Live and enjoy your life. But they're my parents, how can I be happy if I don't think they are?
You're not superwoman, you're just human, and like all of us, all you can do is plod through life and make sure the essentials are done. Loving, and families, and memories are all far more important than the ironing pile being too high. Use your friends and don't be afraid to ask for help. People love to help - it makes them feel good about themselves and it gives them pleasure to feel useful and lighten your load.
I'm not going to lie, the grief stays a long time bt you will find ways to live with it and it will just be part of your new normal.
All the best at this awful time.

Original poster

DancingDownRain · 09/10/2022 00:43

The other relative has now died. It feels like a glacial age passed since my first post, but also as if it was overnight for everything to turn to dust. I exist in fog.

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Original poster

DancingDownRain · 30/07/2022 22:12

Oh gosh, that is a lot for you! I wouldn't have been able to manage living with them. It's so hard, I hope you're okay xx

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Rafferty10 · 30/07/2022 12:46

Oh op l am so sorry about your dad, l am facing my elderly parents failing fast DM has dementia, and DF is heading that way. They are 88 and live with me.
l always feel l am failing as although l an good at all the practical stuff money/carers/appointmens, l am rubbish at being endlessly patient with DMs endless repeating, and hide often, then feel incredibly guilty.
I have two fab teenagers though, but always feel as though l am neglecting them...

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 23/07/2022 12:56

DancingDownRain · 23/07/2022 12:14

That's incredibly kind of you but I don't think i am. I am so so so tired, I'm snapping at everyone and being useless and mean. I had 8 hours sleep last night (DH stayed up with baby) but I could sleep for the rest of the weekend. It's the kind of tiredness where you're on the brink of tears and/or rage at all times. No one else to help look after kids and DH can't stay up 24/7. Another day in front of the tele because I'm too useless and exhausted to be a decent parent. Again.

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Putting your DC in front of the tv the day after your DF's funeral is 100% acceptable OP, you are clearly a more than decent parent. You have been through so much in the last few years, why are you being so hard on yourself for being exhausted when anyone would be? I always think it's useful to ask yourself whether you would speak to other people the way you speak to/think of yourself in your head, and whether you would expect so much of others or hold them to the same standard you set for yourself?

You are allowed to struggle, to have human emotions, to grieve and it's heartbreaking to hear how hard you are on yourself in the midst of everything you've been and are going through. You're clearly a kind person but it's time to show yourself some kindness now. My sincere condolences on the loss of your father, please take care of yourself

Original poster

DancingDownRain · 23/07/2022 12:14

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/07/2022 09:48

I can do the immediate, instinctive stuff to look after the baby day to day, and put on a show for my older child for a couple of hours a day That’s the important stuff. Anything else is a bonus. I think you’re doing really well

That's incredibly kind of you but I don't think i am. I am so so so tired, I'm snapping at everyone and being useless and mean. I had 8 hours sleep last night (DH stayed up with baby) but I could sleep for the rest of the weekend. It's the kind of tiredness where you're on the brink of tears and/or rage at all times. No one else to help look after kids and DH can't stay up 24/7. Another day in front of the tele because I'm too useless and exhausted to be a decent parent. Again.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 22/07/2022 09:48

I can do the immediate, instinctive stuff to look after the baby day to day, and put on a show for my older child for a couple of hours a day That’s the important stuff. Anything else is a bonus. I think you’re doing really well

Original poster

DancingDownRain · 21/07/2022 20:56

It was lovely and lots of good people came and shared memories. Today I'm starting to feel the comedown. A constant fluttering panic, jelly legs, brain fog, unable to make simple plans or things like dinner, unable to understand the concept that he's gone, drowning in memories and things unsaid. This is shit. I can do the immediate, instinctive stuff to look after the baby day to day, and put on a show for my older child for a couple of hours a day, but I could close my eyes for a month. It's like a concussion. I'm folding in on myself, endlessly, constantly.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 19/07/2022 07:22

Don’t run before you can walk! The future will take care of itself. All you need to worry about today is the rest of the day.

Original poster

DancingDownRain · 18/07/2022 23:31

It's my beloved dad's funeral in the morning. I started to grieve for him a good couple of years before I started this thread. For the past 18 months he was a shell but he was ours, and here with us. For so long I've been unable to access memories of him properly. The man he was before the dementia felt like a dream I had about someone imaginary. Over the past week since he died, the memories are coming like waves crashing on top of me. They are happy memories but, my god, I'm about to drown, surely. It's impossible to make space to learn to breathe again and live alongside the memories and the pain of the present, with babies and other Life Stuff. I'm up with the baby, watching crap films and thinking about laundry. I'm burying my dad tomorrow. I'm thinking about washing machine cycles.

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Mum5net · 31/05/2022 11:58

@DancingDownRain Hope today you feel a little better and that somewhere along the line you got a little bit of quality sleep.

DancingDownRain · 30/05/2022 20:31

When my youngest was born and we were still in the hospital, one thing I enjoyed was that I could only focus on the new baby, it just wasn't possible for me to even think about anything else. That wore off quickly but it was a reminder that I do need to switch off sometimes despite the guilt. It's so hard though, especially when, as you say, they don't help themselves. So beyond frustrating!

Orangesandlemons77 · 30/05/2022 17:10

It is, i find I feel guilty, and veer between that and feeling angry / sad... I do feel for them but sometimes they don't help themselves either x

DancingDownRain · 30/05/2022 16:35

Bless you @Orangesandlemons77 it's hard, isn't it?

Orangesandlemons77 · 30/05/2022 16:12

Hi OP I have older DC than you- teens - bit I also have some MH problems and elderly parents who can be quite demanding.

It's hard but I am learning to try and put myself first and not get too bogged down in their problems.

DancingDownRain · 29/05/2022 15:28

You've no idea how grateful I am to posters on here 💐

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/05/2022 09:11

Keep remembering that you can’t carry someone else unless you are well yourself, so looking after yourself is the key to everyone else’s wellbeing.

But you should look after yourself anyway - you are every bit as important as everyone else in your life.

Knotaknitter · 29/05/2022 08:26

Lack of sleep makes everything worse. You've got through the last few years by taking it one day at a time and focussing on the things that only you can do, you'll get through the next years the same way.

Congratulations on Baby2, you know there will be someone here the next time you pop by.

Original poster

DancingDownRain · 29/05/2022 01:57

*mind not kid!

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DancingDownRain · 29/05/2022 01:56

Hello. Me again. Gosh, such a lot. I'm doing the night feed with my second born and my kid was cast back to those other, darker, days (nights). I'm a bit better at asking for help and acknowledging that it's not all on me to make things okay for everyone all the time. As of tonight, everyone is still alive. One person is in a care home permanently and one is bedbound in their own home. Visits to both are limited due to lingering covid issues, a new baby, there only being 24 hours in a day & such like. So things are way more intense than they were when I first wrote, and there are days when I cry a lot, but I've coped with so much in the past 4 years (haven't we all), more than the above, and I'm still here. There are lots of reasons I'm making it through each tough day, but Mumsnet certainly helps me make it through the very early mornings 💐

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CowCat · 30/11/2020 18:38

The OP's last two posts are TWO years apart.

@DancingDownRain I hope you are ok. Lockdown etc has made everything so much worse. I hope you are prioritising yourself and that others are pulling their weight.

No advice from me. I came to the Elderly Parents board to be with others in a similar situation. I am the only child who is local. My sisters live overseas.