Mum has moved in

OP you can make her "homeless at home" which means you write a letter for her to give to the council for housing. With her health conditions, aged 55+, and "homeless" she should have priority housing. There is usually something called local assistance scheme run by councils which provides new white goods. There will probably be a furniture scheme locally for furniture. You can also check for any grants she could apply for on Turn2Us. It sounds like you will have to do the leg work though. Homeless at home does work, i did it with my eldest dc when i couldn't stand living with him any more.

Have you talked to her about how difficult it is for you ? It can be done gently . But surely, she must realise that the situation is far from ideal for all concerned.
She would be happier if she were less of a burden.

I think you’re in to damage control now. You can keep her living with you and destroy your relationship or you can ask her to move out, offer to help her get in her feet etc, accept that she will be hurt but ultimately it will be better for your relationship.

Ok, well unfortunately you can't do that. It is not possible so you can ignore that idea. You need to approach it in a way that will cause the least amount of hurt as you won't be able to do it painlessly.

I know that sounds harsh but you are doing what I do, you're putting off the task by trying to do the impossible because you know it will be unpleasant.

Does she have any income at all? Is it possible to move somewhere with an annexe/convert a garage/loft conversion/one of those structures in the garden with a bathroom and kitchenette?

She needs to give you privacy and you need to tell her this as she clearly won't just start giving you some now after all this time. She also needs to get out of the house and make some friends as she must be lonely and bored sitting around at home on her own. Do you think she's depressed and could you get her to the GP?

She's just under 3 years older than my DM and mine has got a new boyfriend, is moving house, running her own business and my youngest brother is only 15! 63 is not old.

Have you come up with the start of a plan? Do you really want to be divorced and living with her in a smaller house?

How are you getting on now OP?
Have things improved?

I'm surprised you posted this in elderly parents. I expected your mum to be in her 80s!

I'm only a few years younger than your dm (working full time with arthritis too) and I wouldn't dream of treating any of my dcs the way she has you. She needs to work out a way to live independently and stop using you as a crutch. "The least you can do for her"? Emotional blackmail - don't give into it!

I was in this exact position ten years ago. I mean exact...!

I asked my mum to move out. She didn’t speak to any of us for about 6 months - apart from the occasional phone call crying down the phone telling us we had ruined her life. I would invite her round for dinner being nice and she would turn up, start crying dramatically and then flounce off. It was so difficult. I literally felt torn in two emotionally and really felt she was having a nervous breakdown but I knew long term things couldn’t go on.

Financially it has been hard. I feel bad she hasn’t got much money and do help her out from time to time - like your mum she hasn’t worked for many, many years due to health issues. As she has got older these have got worse - she is now able to claim attendance allowance at the higher rate which has helped.

I don’t regret asking her to leave. She was destroying my life as a mum and a wife. It was dreadful. We actually have been able to repair our relationship in recent years and now meet once a week and it’s been much better as we have boundaries we didn’t have before.

You are not responsible for your mothers happiness.

OP, it sounds hard.

But you’ve all adopted a fatalistic approach to the situation and until you see this as a situation that needs to change, nothing will.

You are not responsible for your still-young mum. You need to insist your DH supports you. Write down everything you need to say to your mum - including how you will continue to see her after she moves - and apply the same “can-do” spirit that helped you move from Scotland to England. You can do it!

First you need to stop feeling guilty. I think if you did a poll here not many of us would have our mothers live with us. There is a reason we all live separately!! It doesn't work in most cases.
I think getting a house with a granny flat..own kitchen..would be great. Could she start getting involved in a church or some charity work? Remember she needs ye so will have to listen to your suggestions about needing more privacy. You don't need to feel guilty about that as its a basic need. Are you paying her for childcare. Maybe she could live nearby but come every day to work for ye but have some privacy in the evening.
But, believe me, there are very few people here who could say "l would do that no bother"

I can't see her getting accommodation from the council as she isn't in a place that is overcrowded and she hasn't lived in the country or area for very long. Some counties have a minimum that you have to live with in the area for before you can apply.

Do that leaves with private renting. Again that has difficulties as lot's of LL won't take benefits.

Does she claim PIP?

She is still only young. She is suffering from depression. This is not a normal approach for a still relatively young woman.
I'm about 10 years younger than her and the thought of settling into my dotage in 10 years fills me with horror. And I have MS. My in-laws are just a bit older than your Mum , with all sorts of aches and pains (including arthritis).
I expect to still be working at this age, frankly.
I'm not saying this isn't a bumpy stage nor that there is a magic wand to sort this, particularly when money is tight. However, she is not elderly and she needs to accept that.
All I can suggest is that she is gently encouraged to take up some activities that don't involve childcare and housework. Even if that means you and your family need to adjust in part your childcare arrangements .
I really sympathise. It is ghastly with no one to talk to about this.

I think you need to tell her bluntly that it is having a huge impact on your marriage. You need to set her up in a one bed rental and she'll have to claim benefits.

Could she rent privately? I know my mum's friend does and housing benefit pay most of rent.

If you didn't exist, she'd have to work things out for herself. She isn't all that old - and from the sounds of it she is still in good health so why isn't she working ? I have arthritis too but it doesn't stop me from working . I suspect that she is taking advantage of your kind nature. She got herself into financial strife and now expects you to give her a home for the rest of her life.

You need to bite the bullet and speak very firmly to her about what she sees for herself in the future. And then you need to tell her what you want for yourself. Take her along to apply for a council house, instead of letting her decide what she is going to do - she obviously isn't going to take any responsibility for herself unless you force her to.

It might get uncomfortable for a few days or weeks, but you have to be strong - think of the future and keep your needs in mind. Stop thinking you have to solve all her problems for her - you don't . Good luck !

Then unfortunately you’ll need to speak to him too. He needs to man up and work with you to find the best solution for his family.

You need to address this step by step and be firm.
Tell her that it is not working and you need explore alternatived. Ignore hysterics.
Find out what she wants. Stay in England? Move back to Scotland?
Find out what benefits and housing she can get and work out a budget.
Start looking for housing for her.
Think about the following.
She is 62 and got herself into this mess without your help. She is 3 years from retirement so should get a state pension then. She can get a forecast now cos it might be worth paying some voluntary contributions if she is a few years short.
Work out how much it will cost you to get her out. Factor in deposit on new place. Discuss it properly with your dh. Including the cost of childcare. You both need to be on the same page.