Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

TBH getting a diagnosis doesn't really mean much anyway, depending on where you live, as there is very little help out there. But I think the main concern would be if it affects her ability to drive?

Update on the mouse front. It turns out my mum did actually go to her neighbour to ask to borrow his cat. He laughed at her suggestion. She now feels humiliated and old and helpless, which is sad to witness.

I put two humane traps down in her house. God only knows what she will do if either actually catches a bloody mouse.

Cockroach all.

She's already been referred, but won't go. As she's the driver, my dad can't make her go. I phoned her gp a couple of years ago because I was worried, but he wasn't tht concerned. She's worse now though.

Ps Pilates is great for sciatica.

Flaskfan...no. Mum has never had a formal assessment or diagnosis (is there even such a thing?). Her TEP states severe Alzheimer’s and her medical records must say it as well based on the fact that not a single sentence she has uttered a Dr make any sense whatsoever.

She has never been to the GP voluntarily and so it has all been after the event and sometime after her significant deterioration.

There is no medical LPOA so some medical staff will not speak to me (almost more closed up because of it oddly) and yet others (usually medics) are absolutely on it recognising that I’m her carer and excluding me is just ridiculous. She cannot consent to anything and again some NHS staff get really tied up over this quoting the MCA and describing their medical care as an assault unless they have consent. I appreciate their POV but this does mean she might not get healthcare.
MCA says (lots but key points here)

1. All adults are presumed to have sufficient capacity to decide on their own medical treatment, unless there's significant evidence to suggest otherwise and evidence of capacity changes depending on severity of decision. So the HCA getting knickers in a twist over taking blood that a GP has requested is disproportionate to a Dr deciding to draft a TEP

1. The MCA provides legal protection from liability for carrying out certain actions in connection with the care and treatment of people who lack capacity to consent as long as practitioner has demonstrated they have considered capacity and best interests.

These barriers have meant in the early stages that nothing happened, no diagnosis, no early intervention. Not protecting her best interests in case she has capacity....

My Dad is the opposite. Totally sharp mentally and completing killer sudokos and the most difficult crosswords each day. However physically he is in an increasingly bad way and has dreadful sciatica. He still tries to do everything himself but is really struggling now.

Any tips for curing or coping with sciatica?

Flaskfan I managed to get a phone call with my mum's GP to discuss my concerns. We then cobbled together a Dr appointment for a routine check up, which included a memory test. That was enough for the GP to refer her to a memory clinic. My mum sort of accepts authority figures telling her things, but not me. She still claims she just has a poor memory due to not working, every day much like the rest, etc. However it helped me getting the diagnosis for her.

Not caring yet, but it is looming and I am freaking out. 2 kids under ten and a job that doesn't leave me very much spare physical or emotional time for anything.

The main reason I've jumped in though, is to see whether anyone's had a parent in what appear to be early stages of dementia, who refuses to see a dr because 'there's not h I ng wrong, I'm just so busy, I forget things.' She's not busy. She sits in the house and forgets to put ham on ham sandwiches and claims trees in the garden were planted before I was born.

Yolo you poor sausage. Good luck with everything. cockroach

Tbh yolo as I understand it the TEP or DNR should be regularly reviewed at each admission so they can just do another one without you looking for it

In our hospital it is called a Treatment Escalation Plan. The person it refers to must keep it with them at all times so my mum’s is copied to go to the day care centre with her (the day care centre that she never goes to because she refuses...)

Mum or family did not sign. Mum hasn’t got capacity and carers or nok were informed about it but it was the Drs decision

Oh, and for the first time ever I was asked if she had a DNR (is that correct?)

That was a bit of a facer, as far as I am aware she does, but its not in any of the paperwork at the care home, and without it if she should crash they would attempt resuscitation.

a) she wouldnt want that and b) resus is a pretty brutal business and she is a very frail, ancient lady with bones like swiss cheese.

So tomorrow morning I have to call the care home, say where she is and that I dont know how long for, and then go round to hers to see if I can find any relevant paperwork.

And of course she currently cant sign another one as is away with the dead shrimps and the fairies.

Morning all. got to the hospital at 9pm Sat finally home at 2.15am Sun, she had been xrayed - catastrophic fracture to the same arm she broke on June 7. Treatment is a sling, pain relief and rest, all those things that were tried back in June.

Confusion was out of this world, she cant find the right words for things and talks rubbish - some of it highly amusing (black humour sees me through). She asked me to pour cheese over her toes, worked out this meant blanket on her feet. Then we had a totally surreal convo about dead shrimps and the IRA - wtf. And she asked me to go to her sisters' bedroom to fetch something. One sister has been dead 20 years, the other 35, which is sad. Oh and 'you must open your flapjack'. Totally bizarre.

They are keeping her in overnight for pain relief for the fracture and hopefully something will kick in re the confusion. CT scan this morning was clear, bloods are clear, urine is clear. So fuck knows, except that I will be on the hospital run for the next few days plus trying to find out whether the care home will be able to cope with her. cockroach to all.

Just checking in to new thread. Thinking of you all especially yolo

How horrible yolo
Just when you should be able to breathe for a bit. I hope the hospital provide answers, care and a plan for going forwards.

Oh yolo. It sounds horrendous. I wish I could think of something helpful but you have already done everything just right and fate just seems to intervene to take it down.

So sorry this is happening.

Oh @yolofish WTF!?! What a bloody palaver. I feel for you as there is nothing more you can do. There is no answer. So flippin' frustrating.
Hope you get home to your family soon.

Cockroach

Thank you, much appreciated. I wish it wasnt true... and joy of joys my PIL are coming to lunch tomorrow!! I might not be here, who knows wtf will happen next.

yolo I cannot believe this. A huge hug from an internet stranger.

Spoke to soon. Fell at midday, ripped skin on arm. Fell again at 2.30pm, so I went down when I found care home message as was out in the garden. Waited an hour for ambo while she got more and more and more confused. She has gone in ambo, I will get to hospital for about 9pm - Sat night in A&E going to be fun.

They think clean break of arm she broke 'catastrophically' 3 months ago. Confusion beyond words. Am going to press for MRI scan if they havent already thought about, am thinking poss brain injury from last night's fall (enormous black eye and bruising to outside of eye socket) and/or TIA.

Fuck it all.

Yes think will skip visit today, and I do agree about trying to leave her alone for a bit. And as she doesnt yet have a phone I might be safe. Will hide until tomorrow unless I get a call from the home. She's just so damn needy, and I don't like needy!

Thank you @Jigglyguff ! Much appreciated. We'll look into it.

Skip visit. I dont know where I read it but some advice on settling oldies into care homes was to give them a couple of days to get used to routines before visiting. That way they are not so emotionally dependent on visits and get to engage in/accept their new life.