Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

Hi all.

I have just had surgery. Not serious but I feel achy and shaky, so I am staying away from my mother. I feel quite cross that in the ten years I have been looking after elderly parents DB has never allowed for the fact that I might not always be able to support my mother. He, in contrast, has a series of reasons why he can't visit. Luckily my mum has the support that comes with very sheltered housing, plus a brilliant carer, and I have the number of a good care agency that could step in. But still have a heap of admin related to managing her assets, effectively a business, that helps pay for it all.

I am also lucky she is not in pain. She was a few months back, but luckily she could pay for speedy access to a private physio, who was able to sort it. If it had been something more serious, it would have been an awful choice between painkillers that would have muted her remaining capacity, or pain. Neither good. And it is a choice that I will have to make one day, not least because without physical health issues she can be expected to spend three years in end-stage demential lying in foetal position. Cockroaches to all.

On another topic MN are carrying out a survey www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/3377940-Tell-MNHQ-why-you-use-Mumsnet

I know that this board attracts a lot of non-mums and provides really useful support, information and a place to rant. A chance to tell them that. The background seems to be that Feminist Chat has become, by far and away, the most active part of MN attracting huge user numbers. The Government are currently running a public consultation on changes to the Gender Recognition Act, which inter-alia could have a huge impact on our oldies' ability to access single sex spaces and personal care. The debate is quite heated, so if it matters to you, perhaps best to head over there, at least to pick up the links to the consultation.

oh absolutely they will want to move her on somewhere. She doesnt need an acute medical bed. What she does need, or will need, is a very high dependency bed. Currently immobile, incontinent and delusional - she'll be easy peasy to find a place for!! Poor old thing. I know we've had this convo before, but honestly if she was a dog we'd be had up for animal cruelty.

I do wonder if they play a bit of hot potato - pass them onto someone else quick, before they get so established, they're there for months. The hospital my dad was in recently certainly shunted him out promptly.

Yolo, really sorry to say this, but is it possible they jump to that judgement because it gives the hospital more grounds to discharge her? I'm not sure what the expected time frame was for her to stay in hospital? I certainly felt dad was discharged with very little notice.

notaflyingmonkey sorry but that made me laugh. I once had a dog do that for me

I can’t answer that yolo because I have no idea other than to say yes surely they must be able to help her

Sounds like cockroach well deserved to all, and sympathies for the anxiety/blood pressure spikes.

Took the day off today, gardened and stuff. Psych liaison team turned up (on a Sunday??) and said they believe DM's anxiety is 'because she is in hospital'. This is so not the case, so DB and I are aiming to be there tomorrow when they return. DB and SIL arrived at 2pm to find her screaming 'help me help me'; she had been given lorazepam about 30 mins before so went to sleep. Then woke up and was calmer but still anxious. There must be something they can do with meds??

Hope everyone is okay

I said on the other thread that GP didn't think my sudden rise in blood pressure could be related to this. I've been monitoring it at home and there's a distinct spike on the days I'm there. I'm amazed that he doesn't think it's related.

Got home and had a vodka, then wondered if perhaps I ought to have one before I go next time! As its a trek, it would involve having a hip flask in my handbag!

I know that anxiety too. I have actually had a whole weekend off from visiting Mum. Brother visiting today. She still phoned both days but that's ok as I didn't actually have to go over. And I have really enjoyed my break, albeit I've cleaned bathrooms, changed beds, cleaned house and now working my way through ironing pile.

I totally echo what PP said about absent siblings stepping up and giving the sibling who cares for the parent a much needed and well deserved rest

I really get the anxiety re calling/ visiting. Knowing a carer goes in mon fri helps but it is definitely a case of plastering on the Teflon.
cockroach all.

I try and get the Sunday visit to my mum in early, so that I get it out of the way rather than getting anxious about it.

Today I went and had to start planting bulbs out in her garden (a task I dread as I have a dodgy hip and so find prolonged bending tricky). Each time my brother takes her out shopping, she buys more bulbs having forgotten that she's already got loads (garden the size of a hankerchief). She had the phone book out, looking up an imaginary 'volunteer' to come and plant them. I must've got about 100 bulbs in, when I realised that she was coming along behind me digging them up. I have no idea why. So I sent her in to make a cup of tea, reburied the bulbs, then took all the remaining bags of bulbs and hid them in the shed.

Making DH take me out for coffee and cake now.
Cockroach all.

Yes I had that spike of what will today bring. Currently we are in a good phase and I’m telling myself to suppress any negative doubts and enjoy the moment
I’ve had two weeks holiday and it has made such a difference to my resilience to cope with this.

If absent siblings are reading ...a whole week or fortnight off from caring..freedom to use your whole weekend and evenings for you is invaluable. Knowledge that others are responsible for that time...it really makes a difference. I appreciate my sister is a couple of hours drive away but my driving time visiting this week has been 2 hours in total... backwards and forwards. I do this every week.

I have a dilemma when phoning up each day. Want to speak to him, but scared of what I might hear.

anyone else get a mega spike in anxiety on days they see their folks? It's that "what deterioration will I find today" type thing.

was awake half the night, knackered already and now have to set off.

Yolo, your description of your mum remind me of that thing that happened with our neighbour, I know general decline is not a diagnosis but perhaps sometimes it's the best fitting description. Neighbour was 92 when she went into a home though, not sure of your mother's age.

Re your DD, glad she's okay.

Think my dad might be local to your mum then, yolo.

I honestly dont know what the answer is. deargod it sounds as if you are doing what you can when you can, and are thinking of ways to help rather than being on the battlefield daily; lighthouse I would definitely detach from your sister - if she can be no use or support then you dont need to put yourself out for her.

Not quite sure what is happening here. DM is medically 'well' however unable to mobilise at all - bedbound - and mentally very unhappy/suicidal. Assume they will want to discharge her soon, as she doesnt need an acute bed. However, she will need a high dependency bed at the very least.

Psych has still not turned up, and I guess wont until at least Mon now. DB and I are kind of sharing out visiting times so we dont cross each other's path; he sounds quite distant and angry on the phone so perhaps the rapprochement not as positive as I had thought.

I found out this morning that DD2 was in the nightclub in Bournemouth that had the cs spray incident last night, had to be evacuated and checked over etc. Thank God she is ok, but she was very scared. Sounds awful, but DM worries pale into insignficance really.

Ohdear sounds like you have got it right- so good that you are abl3 to have those conversations and they have an effect..
sadly it does not happen here.....

Re: hosting meals etc. Dh and I have made sure that when we come down to stay with Dad, we invite my sister and bil over for meals/bbqs to redress the balance a bit.

With us, my sister and Bil are very local to my dad, so they inevitably do the popping in and out and ferrying about re: dr's appointments and shopping and stuff. She's always known that would happen, being local, and not out at work, and happily accepts it. When my brother and I visit, we are each factoring in a car journey of at least 2 hours plus each way (depending on traffic), and being away from home for 2-3 days at a time. I've taken time off work (teacher) to attend emergencies.
As my dad's needs have massively increased in recent weeks, my brother and I have adjusted our contributions hugely, in order to take the strain off my sister. My brother works abroad quite a lot, but even then, he will now sort admin/financial stuff out remotely. We're currently tag-teaming to provide 24 hour care between us until we can sort out a permanent arrangement.
The tricky time was a few months ago, when my sister and I could see a deterioration beginning (because we spent much more time with him and you have to be here to see it) and brother would swan in occasionally and take Dad out for posh lunch dates and say he was fine and what was the fuss about. He'd then swan off again, not having checked the laundry baskets and if there were sufficient clean clothes ready. There was a bit of a row frank and robust exchange of words and emails and then brother stepped up massively.

It comes as a colossal disappointment when we are faced by the evidence of what siblings will or won’t do..... it was after dm broke her leg and we had a horrendous week I realised that they- all three of them- would do nothing.
And realised that I was no longer prepared to host meals for them to visit dm easily. These events had never been enjoyable, always expensive for us and v time consuming.
☕️☕️🌺🌺to all.

just to add
she is massively lacking in empathy generally

she also told me quite frankly, during another recent parental health thing, "I'm very selfish, so I don't want to help". I'm not usually a fan of the word "selfish" - I mean we all have to protect ourselves don't we.

but in her case I think it's a useful demonstration of her mindset.

to some extent, I think she will do the odd visit and smile because in theory, there's an inheritance (if the house doesn't have to be sold to pay for care). but that's it really.

Pierce

yes, over the years I've had a lot of "they are fine, what are you worried about" - through various hospital incidents! but she visits twice a year so has no clue.

in the first hospital incident when mum nearly died, my sister said she was willing to help me out and talk on the phone about the stress of it etc. But really, going away when dad was having numerous hospital tests and could easily have died - handy that, not having to deal with anything attached to bereavement - I knew she wouldn't cancel for them, but I thought she might cancel for me.

now I know she won't, I'm like, pah.

I’d just like my sister to acknowledge the emotional stress as well as the practical commitment that I bear. If she could ask me what would help, ask me what she could do to alleviate some of it, it would be a start. I think that without living it you don’t realise the 24/7 relentlessness however so it’s not so much that she doesn’t care, she isn’t aware.

Mum fluctuates in mood and symptoms. So often I get the crap (sometime literally) and sister breezes and in and out and says “she seems so well” completely minimising my experience

yolo

Glad you are making some kind of progress , its a tough old place to be and hindsight is a great place to be

@thesandwich

you know, I like your phrasing "change the game".

there are expectations that probably need changing.

I was awake from about 4 to 6 this morning - fairly typical for me - and I did have a moment of thinking, yes, it is time to let go of the social "obligation" linked to sister's side of the family. I never enjoy it and tbh maintained it thinking that she would help out a bit in tough spots. Now that's shot to shit, that's one set of long journeys that doesn't need to be in the diary!