Obligation to care?

Well that may be her preference , but it’s not a reasonable demand . You have your own life. It sounds like she doesn’t reallu care how this affects you, and you will have to bolster your certainty in your own self - I.e. your needs and wants are valid , and saying No is okay.

The preference would be to have you at her beck and call, wouldn’t it?
But that doesnt work for you. You have preferences that are equally valid.

I don't feel obliged to care for my parent . Not at all , she can go in a home if need be . She has enough money and if it runs out she will go into state care .
I'm not heartless but you have a life and so do I , she is not my responsibility!

On a practical note when you put into place some of the blocking techniques, perhaps you can set aside a few set hours per week for 'admin' if she wants something posted, collected, sorted out. Tell her save it for Thursday afternoon and I'll do it then. Keep repeating 'you know I'm busy with the children, it can wait till Thursday'

I agree with the poster above, does she actually need you at the moment to do things everyday or is she bored/lonely? Doss she have a tablet/computer to contact people - my friends mum joined a Facebook page of the local town she gre up and there is a constant of stream of old photos and memoires from a comminity.

Do you have siblings OP?

The 'Gray Rock' technique might be a useful one to look up, if you need to protect yourself from any drama, too.

I'm wondering if maybe you're panicking about the overwhelming threat of being your mum's carer, in which case, can you start saying no to the smaller things? I think it's a habit that one has to get into. And maybe when you do it, notice what you're feeling, keep checking in with yourself. For me, saying no to my demanding stepmother brings up feelings of guilt. And I don't have to just accept that, that's not my idea of a relationship that I want.

Also, I have realised that my stepmother has no idea what a boundary is, and doesn't care what I think about it. So, I can only set boundaries with myself, for example no I will not answer the phone to her after 21.00, and no I will not move in to her house. I know that I will not break these promises to myself, and that gives me some re-assurance. Maybe have a think about what promises you can make for yourself, write them down here if it helps!

@InASarnie if you like that website you might also like the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board. There are lots of people in a similar boat to you/us!

I guess I feel I need to talk this all through with people who’ve experienced similar in how to resist being drawn in

Yes, this is the tricky bit, you're going to have to stand firm which for many of us is rather a daunting prospect; it sounds like you're being put under a lot of pressure. Also, your mum isn't respecting your boundaries which isn't on. This website has all sorts of useful tips on parents/boundaries/standing firm. It is a site largely for people struggling with other people's personality disorders, not that I am suggesting your mother has one! But I've got quite a lot out of it. In particular the idea of JADE, which you might find useful. Basically say no, then don't:

Justify
Apologise
Defend
Explain

I'm quite JADE-y and it's a great way to undermine yourself.

Sacrificing yourself for your parents may be one of her values, but it doesn't have to be one of yours. It's certainly not mine!

I think any person say approaching 70 should have an honest conversation and make plans. It is selfish not to.

This is such a difficult area. Can your mother afford care?

This is the way to go......

It is OK to say no. You have a baby just weeks old. Your children need you.

Practice saying "it's such a shame I can't possibly do this now I have 3 little ones - but I think I close to burned myself out looking after Aunty Agatha - it would be awful to actually reach breaking point trying to stretch myself too thinly and end up letting you down."

She will need to pay for help if there are no appropriate family members to help. You have already done more than your dairy share.

Do you think she is really in need of a carer or is it more that she wants you around? I certainly don't think you are being selfish to devote your energies to a new baby, it's hard to see how you could do anything else. Could you rule out anything happening in the short term, and discuss what might be the next step to happen in, say 6-12 months. But make that step something that's not you taking on responsibility immediately, perhaps a social care assessment to see what:s available?

The alternative is that she pays for carers to do her personal care and other things. It will take a frank conversation with your mum that your circumstances are different now you have a third child and you cannot provide that level of assistance.

she firmly believes that it’s a child’s role to provide care for elderly/disabled parents

You have my sympathy. My DM shares the same belief, I'm not looking forward to her becoming infirm.

I'm coming to the end of my 'care journey' with my Dad. I slept walked into much more of a caring role than I actually want and it's been extraordinarily depleting, and has put a strain on many of my other relationships. The one peice of advice I would give to anyone in your position is, before you get sucked into the role of carer, to think about what you actually want to do, stick to it and try not to feel guilty. You are important, and it's quite right that you should put yourself and your family first - no-one else is going to do that for you.