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Original poster

Poisonous FIL but OH feels so sad about it all

36 replies

doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 08:24

My partner has never had the best relationship with his Dad (74) he has constantly put him down about a number of things (weight/life choices) and we can go and visit and he will come away in tears. Bit of background, FIL is disabled, has a work accident 30yrs ago and has numerous health conditions meaning he isn't able to look after himself. He had a partner of 38yrs who suddenly became ill in March and died in April. She cared for him so that he was able to stay at home. Before she passed, we rallied round, caring for him, making his meals, doing his errands, and we spoke about getting a care package in place if he wanted to remain at home. Every time I attempted to make the call to adult social care he would tell me he wasn't up to it, basically he just wanted us to run round after him. 3 weeks ago I went to his house as pre arranged to make this call. I found that he had taken a massive insulin overdose in order to end his life. I called my partner and an ambulance, he refused treatment for a long time but then allowed it. He's been in hospital ever since.

He has had us running around after him, and I don't mean just normal errands, if we don't go to the hospital every day he will tell us how awful it made him feel. The reason we didn't go is because I am pregnant and we had a scan so couldn't go. We would be at the hospital at 9pm and he will make demands for certain things he wants picking up, we go home and go to bed, OH gets up at 5am goes to work and goes straight to the hospital after work and FIL will go mad because he hasn't brought what he's asked for.

Wednesday last week, OH had a stomach bug and wasn't able to go to hospital so I went on my own. When I got there he told me the staff were all lying to him. He had been moved onto a general medical ward for older people and he was going absolutely mad shouting that he didn't belong with the rest of the geriatric idiots. I tried explaining that it was just. General medical ward for older people but he wasn't having any of it. I said give me 2mins and went and spoke to the staff. The nurse told me that earlier that day he had tried escaping the ward (he isn't allowed to leave) he attacked a member of staff and had to be restrained, and he was found to have a Swiss Army knife and a screw driver in his possession. I returned to his bed and very delicately explained what the nurse had said and he shouted and screamed at me that I was a liar and he didn't trust me and that I needed to leave before he got very angry with me.

I called my partner as the situation needed him, he told my partner to fuck off and lifted his walking stick at him and told him he was going to do him some damage. We left and spoke to a nurse and then heard a commotion. FIL was being restrained by 8 members of staff and was shouting and screaming at them some horrific stuff. They had to sedate him and he now has a security guard with him 24hrs a day.

We haven't been up since. I personally don't want to and my partner won't let me, I'm stressed enough as it is and nearly 7 months pregnant. But he is torn as all he's ever wanted is a dad, but he is also thinking of cutting all ties. His minister has been to see him and he ha told him that all we want is his money, I have access to all his accounts and if I wanted his money I could easily take it. He offered to buy me a new car 10 tomes and I refused, and he offered us £9000 to get married before baby arrives and we said no. But he keeps repeating these vile lies to people.

I don't know where to turn, I'm happy to walk away but my partner is so sad about the way he's treating him :(

OP posts:
Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 12:51

I'm absolutely furious, his minister has been to see him and he said to his minister "they've got my bank cards and everything"

We have one card which he gave us because he kept asking us to order/buy things and that is it. So we are meeting the minister at the hospital on Wednesday and getting him to witness us handing belongings/cards/keys to his house over and we are walking away. I hope OH is strong enough to do it

OP posts:
WhiteVixen · 18/06/2018 12:24

I agree with JuicySwan, is also be going NC.

Get your husband a copy of the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. It will help him cut through the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and see a way to cutting this miserable man out of your life. Yes it's sad, but considering the way he treats people it's pretty inevitable.

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/06/2018 10:28

I know you say he's nasty but is it dementia? Some forms can make people violent and they genuinely believe the constructs they have made. To him these may not be 'lies'. I know that dosnt help you and how u feel, but could explain the random violent outbursts.
I think talk to his doctors, it's unlikely he will be allowed to go home tbh.
Could you set contact days eg every second day or something? Or your partner visit Monday we'd and Saturday and you visit one day? That would give him structure and you both a break.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 10:05

@JuicySwan this is what we are heading for but OH will feel guilty forever. I've said though that whilst we let this carry on, OH is still going to be made to feel like shit so if we walk away, he will still feel guilty but won't have FIL there making him feel worse

OH suffers from depression and anxiety and it's affecting him :(

OP posts:
JuicySwan · 18/06/2018 10:01

Honestly? I’d go NC.

Some people are just nasty. Even old people. Even people with MH issues. He’s a nasty man and your dh should have cut ties years ago for his own well-being.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 09:57

@HeGotManFlu the hospital have said that he won't be released home until care is in place, but that they won't arrange care until he's been in the mental health unit as they don't know when he will be going home. I hope that they will deem him unsafe in his home and put him into residential care x

OP posts:
HeGotManFlu · 18/06/2018 09:51

He sounds very difficult, I wouldn't be surprised if he was referred to the mental health team about his behaviour and you may find that they don't feel he is safe to be at home .it must be very upsetting for you and your dh, you must look after yourself and try not to let him dominate your lives if you can. I would ask to speak to his doctor and a social worker and explain that you just cannot carry on like this, he must either go I to care or have carers at his own home.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 09:02

@mayhew this is honestly the way I see it all, we are being exploited. I actually have 2 father in law's, my partners step father lives with us. Partner and step after lived together before we got together and it seemed natural to get a big house and live together. But FIL has mentioned numerous times wanting to live with us and we have said categorically no.

He said last week "well when I'm home I'll need you even more" I said how can you have us more than what you have now? Our home life is suffering. Our 10yr old has been passed from pillar to post so we can visit him and run round after him. We don't have time to cook because we are running round after him so our health is deteriorating as we are eating convenience food. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and still suffering from extreme sickness, we have a 10yr old, partner works full time and I have a business to run but none of that matters to him :(

I just wish I could make my partner feel better about it all. We've agreed that the only way forward here is to speak to FIL and say whilst he thinks we don't care, we are the only ones who do, no one else bothers, and if he carries on treating us the way he is then he will go into residential care and have no one. I'm sick of treading carefully in case we upset him when he doesn't care who he upsets x

OP posts:
mayhew · 18/06/2018 08:46

He is a horrible manipulative man. Raging at the inevitable vulnerability of old age.
He has lost his partner and wants to exploit and dominate you in the way he probably treated her.
At least the staff are under no illusions and are unlikely to suggest he comes to live with you!

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 08:41

@Singlenotsingle

The thing is, suicide aside, his mental health is fine. We understand why he wants to end his life because of his health issues, but the vile behaviour has been for the whole of OH's 42yrs on this earth. He has told people he resents our baby because he is going to take our time away from him.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 18/06/2018 08:34

FIL is upset, resentful about his health situation, and possibly it is also affecting his MH. Try not to take all this too personally, neither you nor DP have done anything wrong, but maybe it's time now for you both to take a step back. Take a break and make sure you look after yourselves as well.

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