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Original poster

Poisonous FIL but OH feels so sad about it all

36 replies

doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 08:24

My partner has never had the best relationship with his Dad (74) he has constantly put him down about a number of things (weight/life choices) and we can go and visit and he will come away in tears. Bit of background, FIL is disabled, has a work accident 30yrs ago and has numerous health conditions meaning he isn't able to look after himself. He had a partner of 38yrs who suddenly became ill in March and died in April. She cared for him so that he was able to stay at home. Before she passed, we rallied round, caring for him, making his meals, doing his errands, and we spoke about getting a care package in place if he wanted to remain at home. Every time I attempted to make the call to adult social care he would tell me he wasn't up to it, basically he just wanted us to run round after him. 3 weeks ago I went to his house as pre arranged to make this call. I found that he had taken a massive insulin overdose in order to end his life. I called my partner and an ambulance, he refused treatment for a long time but then allowed it. He's been in hospital ever since.

He has had us running around after him, and I don't mean just normal errands, if we don't go to the hospital every day he will tell us how awful it made him feel. The reason we didn't go is because I am pregnant and we had a scan so couldn't go. We would be at the hospital at 9pm and he will make demands for certain things he wants picking up, we go home and go to bed, OH gets up at 5am goes to work and goes straight to the hospital after work and FIL will go mad because he hasn't brought what he's asked for.

Wednesday last week, OH had a stomach bug and wasn't able to go to hospital so I went on my own. When I got there he told me the staff were all lying to him. He had been moved onto a general medical ward for older people and he was going absolutely mad shouting that he didn't belong with the rest of the geriatric idiots. I tried explaining that it was just. General medical ward for older people but he wasn't having any of it. I said give me 2mins and went and spoke to the staff. The nurse told me that earlier that day he had tried escaping the ward (he isn't allowed to leave) he attacked a member of staff and had to be restrained, and he was found to have a Swiss Army knife and a screw driver in his possession. I returned to his bed and very delicately explained what the nurse had said and he shouted and screamed at me that I was a liar and he didn't trust me and that I needed to leave before he got very angry with me.

I called my partner as the situation needed him, he told my partner to fuck off and lifted his walking stick at him and told him he was going to do him some damage. We left and spoke to a nurse and then heard a commotion. FIL was being restrained by 8 members of staff and was shouting and screaming at them some horrific stuff. They had to sedate him and he now has a security guard with him 24hrs a day.

We haven't been up since. I personally don't want to and my partner won't let me, I'm stressed enough as it is and nearly 7 months pregnant. But he is torn as all he's ever wanted is a dad, but he is also thinking of cutting all ties. His minister has been to see him and he ha told him that all we want is his money, I have access to all his accounts and if I wanted his money I could easily take it. He offered to buy me a new car 10 tomes and I refused, and he offered us £9000 to get married before baby arrives and we said no. But he keeps repeating these vile lies to people.

I don't know where to turn, I'm happy to walk away but my partner is so sad about the way he's treating him :(

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annandale · 22/06/2018 20:39

Bloody hell.

He is being cared for - with a security guard in place. He attacked you both in the hospital. He is uninhibitedly manipulative - the minister sounds as weak as water tbh, and I would agree with a pp who said he undoubtedly gave his partner a terrible life. Not unusual for carers to work themselves into the ground and die long before the person they cared for. That could be you next.

You're PREGNANT. Your OH's priority should be looking after you, your ten year old, and looking after his own health.

I would have a to do list that looked like this:

  1. Write a short letter to 'The consultant caring for FIL' saying that due to the physical attempt to attack you both, you are no longer visiting while you are pregnant or nursing a young baby. You already have another elderly relative living with you, you have young children and must prioritise their safety. You cannot take on any care of FIL and his discharge plans should be made in the light of that knowledge.
  1. An appointment with your OH's GP to review his anxiety and depression, with a request for psychotherapy. I think he urgently needs it.
  1. A family day or at least an afternoon with both of you and the ten year old, just enjoying yourselves - whatever your child wants to do, preferably. You are looking after their future mental health, after all.
  1. A discussion with your OH asking him just not to visit his F for a month, and to prioritise your own family - he is, after all, well cared for at the moment. This is the moment to take a break. It won't be easy, no, but you as a family deserve his attention.
Fortysix · 22/06/2018 20:06

Agreed. That's a really positive end to the week. Feet up for you all. Grin

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 22/06/2018 19:50

@Pebbles16 I'm so proud of him for standing up to him :)

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Pebbles16 · 22/06/2018 19:12

Well done DH. That must have been so hard. There will be wobbles but you sound like an amazing team and you will get through it

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 22/06/2018 17:50

Well......

OH went to see FIL earlier. I was worried about how it would go as I know how nasty he can be to OH. He's just come home, he said it didn't go well but that he made his position clear and told him that our decision regarding his money/car etc was not going to change. FIL was awful to him and said he doesn't want anything from us ever again. OH said ok I'll see you when I see you......and left.

I am so bloody proud of him for not letting this behaviour continue!

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Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 21/06/2018 12:22

Thanks everyone, I've had some great advice given on this thread. I know that FIL will see me as the bad one and will tell anyone who will listen this but I have said I will help from home so if FIL asks OH to do something for him that I can do, I will do it because we are a team but I'm doing it for OH not for FIL.

OH knows now is the time to concentrate on us and our family but still feels guilty because FIL is actively attempting to make him feel guilty. FIL has told someone he resents our unborn baby already because he will take our time way from him.....

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Butterymuffin · 21/06/2018 12:04

Your OH's dad is not a decent dad and has never behaved like one. I would encourage him to get counselling to help him come to terms with this and to cut contact. Tell the minister that you aren't able to help anymore as you have had so much abuse in return, and that the church will need to take over if they are concerned about him.

This is all at the detriment of your 10 yo. For their sake if no one else's this can't continue. Point out to your OH that he needs to put his child ahead of his parent now.

Fortysix · 21/06/2018 12:03

That is tough. However he could be like this for 15 years..
Earlier in the thread someone talked about FOG. Go back to that post and check it out.

I get it that 5 mins isn't going to work. Try and get you OH to think about FIL at several set times in the day but not all across the day if you see what I mean?

But post here if it helps and we can all support you.

Freshie · 21/06/2018 11:58

This situation sounds so familiar. My Dad is having the same problem with his Dad except the poisonous one is his evil step mother. She keeps lying to my grandfather, telling him my mum has turned my dad against him and she is telling us he's totally senile and that he needs a permanent catheter but when we went round to see him he was able to go to the toilet. It's a really distressing situation to be in, and not one you need when you are expecting too!
The only advice I can give that has really, really helped my Dad is counselling. There are some great affordable services. My Dad also felt so guilty - while my grandfather was still with it, he was choosing to stick by my evil grandmother and told my Dad all these lies and horrible things and my Dad was so angry and was near a mental breakdown because he kept arguing but didn't feel that he could cut ties with his Dad (especially as he lost his mum young so I think that played a part). After a while we could really see the difference in my Dad and he doesn't get so angry anymore. He's accepted that some things just can't be fixed. I would strongly recommend counselling and also probably advise that, where possible, you do steer clear of the situation for now to avoid any stresses that you don't need in this stage of your pregnancy. My mum also wanted to support my Dad but got so stressed by being used as a scapegoat that she also had to walk away but left it to my Dad to decide what he was going to do, all the while supporting him from home which you may hopefully be able to do with your partner, but I don't think he could blame you for wanting to walk away right now. I wish you the best of luck and hope things improve.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 21/06/2018 11:37

@Fortysix if only it was that simple, we are having to discuss him because of how he's making OH feel. OH has messaged today to say his mind isn't on the job and he's making lots of mistakes.

OH said to FIL I'll see you soon and FIL said whatever. OH plans on going tomorrow evening so we will see what is said then

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Fortysix · 21/06/2018 11:10

Very difficult and very distressing. But well done you for keeping to the script despite the minister's stupidity.

Keep your nerve and look forward not back.
You have really good times headed your way. You just need to rest as much as possible and try and concentrate on your own stuff.

Suggest to your partner that you will discuss F-I-L for approximately five minutes every day between 7.00 pm and 7.05 pm but after that not a word or a thought. Your joint energies are for you and your immediate family and enjoying the last month of this pregnancy. Flowers

BlueAnemone · 21/06/2018 10:42

No wonder you're feeling upset, what a horrible thing to experience. The minister certainly doesn't seem to be the honest, thoughtful type that you need in this situation.

Well it's done now, well done on seeing it through. And whatever anyone else says or thinks, you know the truth.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 21/06/2018 09:57

We went to see FIL last night.

He has said to numerous people “they have got my bank cards and car” his car he asked me to drive so that it keeps it running and it’s safe with us and he gave us his post office card to draw his pension for the things he was asking us to buy for him. We spoke to his Minister who he’s close to and he made the suggestion that we put everything in an envelope, take it to the hospital and seal it in front of him and FIL and we will all sign it to say we’ve handed it all over as we decided we didn’t want to be in a position where we could be accused of anything.

So we went to the hospital, FIL acted as if last week didn’t ever happen. Demanded shopping picking up for him, handed me a letter and told me I’d need to cancel his appointment, and handed us a water bill and told us we would need to get it paid. We were pleasant and civil. OH handed FIL the envelope and explained that his cards/keys were in there and we very nicely explained that we just didn’t want to leave ourselves in that sort of position. FIL immediately got angry and had to e told to calm down by the Minister. The Minister then said I’m sorry I had no idea this was going to happen (it was his suggestion) but we decided not to say that in front of FIL because it would have caused chaos. FIL said he felt hurt and abandoned, we said we certainly aren’t abandoning you, but things have changed and we just don’t want to be put in a position where we can be made to feel the way we have. Minister tried convincing us to keep hold of FIL cards and money and carry on drawing money for him but we said we had made our decision and that was final and that it didn’t mean we wouldn’t be going to the hospital but it meant we wouldn’t be going every day as we had been. He was very rude to OH and we nearly left twice. He denied he mentioned the cards and car, we told him he had mentioned them on 4 separate occasions, he said he doesn’t remember so we are wrong. The only time he mentioned what happened last week was when he said well this is just sour grapes because of what happened last week.

We’ve come away yet again feeling shit. We feel like we were thrown under the bus by the Minister. I want to walk away but I know it’s not that easy for OH.

OP posts:
Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 19/06/2018 22:49

Thanks everyone, I'll update you on how tomorrow goes, I'm not going, OH is going with the minister x

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SleepIsForTheWeek · 19/06/2018 22:10

Good luck tomorrow OP. It sounds like FIL resents step-FIL living with you and not him.

Fortysix · 19/06/2018 21:43

It's rough right now but good things are around your corner. You just need space in your head to think of the lovely bits coming in the future. As others have said just go for the absolute minimum with FIL. Try to rest.

Knittedfairies · 19/06/2018 19:39

Good luck for tomorrow OP - stay strong. I wouldn’t commit to 2 visits a week after you’ve walked away; I suggest you start with one or two visits a month to start with - much easier to add visits if your FIL gets the message than to take them away if he doesn’t.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 19/06/2018 17:36

Thank you I really appreciate all the advice. You are definitely right. Yesterday we found out that one of my work contracts is ending and it's a drop of £700 a month nearly. I'm concentrating all my time and efforts on getting more contracts in asap as we can't manage financially now. We've needed to do this for months but our lives have been consumed by doing for others.

Tension in our house is high, OH is so stressed out and whilst he's so lovely, the tension is making me feel awful and I just keep crying.

Not helped today in that I have tickets to see a certain girl band next month, told my friend about it in January and offered her a ticket to come along, today she texted and said something has come up. I'm feeling very alone and that all we do is things for others but nobody ever puts themselves out for me.

Boundaries definitely need to be set with FIL. I said to OH I almost hope that when he goes to see him tomorrow that he's horrible to OH because then OH won't feel guilty for walking away but going forwards it's going to be maybe 2 visits a week and all care arrangements can be made by adult social care and the hospital. We don't want anything to do with it.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond, I just feel so alone right now

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FreshStartToday · 19/06/2018 12:57

He has had us running around after him, and I don't mean just normal errands, if we don't go to the hospital every day he will tell us how awful it made him feel.

Your partner is suffering from FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Read up about it and try joining the Stately Homes threads for lots of support.

Your FIL can only have you running around after him if you agree. If he says how awful it makes him feel that you can't do more, then that's his right. But it doesn't mean that you have to dance to his tune and do everything he says.

Ask your DP to sit down and think what support he can realistically offer his Dad. An hour a week twice a week to visit? Even that sounds generous based on how his DF is treating him. If your FIL wants something collecting, then it can be delivered at the next visit. You cannot live your lives at his beck and call. As you say, you have a 10 year old, and whilst it's OK to be flexible and more responsive when there is a crisis this is now normality. You need to get firm boundaries in place which protect your mental health and your family.

Do make sure that the hospital and any social workers are aware that your fil cannot come and live with you. He may tell them he can, and they will support him, if released in doing that, unless you tell them, very simply that that is not possible. You already house your stepFIL and will have 2 children by then. You do not have to give more reasons. Simply make sure that they know that your home is not your FiLs home. They will then take that into account when considering his ongoing needs.

Best of luck. Nothing prepares you for something like this, but MN has loads of good advice and experience, so keep on posting.

Fortysix · 19/06/2018 12:48

Get a bit of paper and write down a list of life's priorities eg ... each other, your 10 year old, your eagerly anticipated baby, maintaining your business so you can pay your bills and have a roof over your head.

Tough as it might sound, it's your time and your partner's time to make a life without him at the centre. At 74 your father in law needs to sort himself out with the social work team in his area. Put you and the health of your immediate family first

Spanglyprincess1 · 19/06/2018 12:46

Ahhh okay. I'm sorry then OP.
Hope you and partner sort it. It's a shame that's he's a bitter man but your partner shouldn't put up with that behaviour.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 19/06/2018 10:44

Hospital are satisfied it's not dementia or anything like that. He's displayed these sorts of behaviour throughout his life. He kicked off in the hospital because he was throwing his toys out of the pram as he wants to leave and isn't able to. This behaviour has been my partners whole lifetime

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Spanglyprincess1 · 19/06/2018 08:44

I would seriously check it isn't dementia or some other mental health condition before cutting contact. I've had relatives whose personality changed overnight and they behaved similarly. It's not excusing his behaviour but he genuinely may not be able to help it if he's unwell.
I hope it works out for you as it's a very difficult situation.

Original poster
doesthisnamelookgoodonme · 18/06/2018 23:44

BIL has been to see him tonight (he doesn't have anything to do with him really) and apparently FIL wants to see OH. Not sure how I feel about this, we will be back in the same situation in a few weeks time

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mayhew · 18/06/2018 17:12

He really is horrible. You can't improve him and it's unlikely reasoning will get you anywhere. He wants to control you but his grip is slipping.
It's your partner that needs the input. A counsellor to help him assert himself in this impossible situation.

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