Won't take a taxi to hospital

We had this issue with DM - not always possible for the nearest family member to take leave and do the 6 hour round trip to take her to appointments. What we did was to pay her cleaner, who DM really liked, to go with her in a taxi. You may also find that local charities or churches might help.

I think DM's major fear in her 80s was not being able to find or make her way from the entrance to the department. Having someone with her who could find the route and put her in a wheelchair where necessary made like much easier for her.

"crazily frugal" In general, people's spending crashes as they approach their 80s, and I think people have spending baselines from when they were buying the item frequently. So you can keep up with food prices, but a cup of tea or coffee out is based when you used to buy regularly. If you're used to 70p or £1.20 for a drink, everything above that becomes "expensive". So elderly people congregate in Morrisons cafe, in church coffee mornings etc, not necessarily because they can't afford more (some can't) but it's because it's prices that are familiar. I know I'me having to adjust to a b&B being at least £80pn - my mind says "should be able to find one for £30".

Secondly, I'm really scared about the number of years I may have to support myself for with no ability to increase my income - I can't go out and get a "little Saturday job". So I don't like spending, at least not on thing that aren't that important to me, like clothes and hairdressing.

I'd accompany an elderly parent to hospital appointments where information was going to be given out if they lived near by, but 2hours away, sorry, no. The Pandiculation household is currently down with the plague - I'm not saying we wouldn't have caught it if we hadn't spend December and the first week of January sorting out care for my father, watching him bounce in and out of hospital, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have pole axed us as it has.

My experience n=5 oldies is that they can be pretty bloody selfish as they get older Don't think it's deliberate selfishness, it's that as their capabilities decline, small problems loom larger and larger in their mind. I'm relatively young, but haven't used a taxi since I retired, so now the simple thing of travelling the 45 mins to our nearest hospital has all sorts of questions 1) how do I call a taxi? - do people still use an ordinary telephone call to a person? 2) how much money will I need to take? - it used to pan out at £1 a mile, think it's now double that, or should I allow £2.5 or £3? 3) taxi drivers don't get out of the car any more, and as I can't stand up for more than a few minutes, how will I get to the taxi before he drives away? 4) will I be able to call a taxi from the hospital? ... trivial stuff, but as I'm out of the habit, I have to search out the answers. So if I were to ask for a child to accompany me in a taxi, I'd be asking them to solve a big problem for me doing something that's everyday for them - and without bearing in mind their quite different sets of worries I'm in danger of being monumentally selfish without in the least intending it.

Those saying things like go with him etc. Yeh great. In a perfect world, none of us would have jobs, families. We'd dump them and move back in with our parents.....

In the real world, its not always possible... Sorry if my Dad is going to save a tenner and cause me major grief (and a hell of a lot more than a tenner in lost billing time) then hes on his own. Especially when he could probably afford to pay for a taxi to take him to the south of france let alone 2 miles home!

My experience n=5 oldies is that they can be pretty bloody selfish as they get older & putting boundaries in place us no bad thing and doesn't make you a bad child

This, with knobs on!

I set up an account with a local village taxi driver for my olds. They complain like hell, and say what terrible children we are, but the taxi driver is lovely and has got to know them really well. We did start by taking them lifts to appointments, but it then becomes not only the hospital, but the doctors, the dentist, the shops. DM was complaining about a £15 taxi journey whilst paying £3,000k to have her teeth done .

ZOMBIE THREAD

I think they sound concerned, ‘support and remember what the doctor said’. Medical appointments are a bit scary when you are eighty four. I think try and find it in yourself to be a bit understanding.

My dad is the same (and I live the same sort of distance away). He now goes via the volunteer car service which is very good - you pay for their petrol, but they take you to the door of the hospital and wait for you normally.
He could easily afford taxis, but is horrified by the price when he has used them.

I will go to take mum to appointments as she needs a wheelchair and he can't push it and gets upset dealing with her (she has dementia) in the hospital environment, but though dad is frail and gets a bit confused, he now gets them to write stuff down so he can tell me correctly later, and it doesn't need a precious day of annual leave to take him for routine stuff

Perhaps he doesn't want to go alone (with the dog situation at that) and he isn't as confident as you think. We have set up a taxi account for gp's which we pay (have power of attorney) and the taxi firm send screened drivers - for future appointments this would be a good solution

OMG this is my Dad. To be fair he does struggle on the bus but he began asking me to take him to appointments.

I took him for one or two but it was a bit silly. Im self employed so I'd lose at least half a days pay (a LOT!). At the time, I was working an hour away on the train, it was pretty much 2 hours plus from work to hospital for me. It would be about £10 in taxi for him.

So I tried taxi. Hes loaded anyway. I offered to pay. No way Jose in a million years. He actually says "taxi are not for people like you and me". Cheers Dad.

So I sorted patient transport for him. Didnt like it - took too long because they pick a lot of people up. You can guess what I'm thinking!

One day hospital phoned me. He'd been taken in again and was being sent home (another story - hes had loads of "fake" admissions). Could I pick him up? So I spoke to him - look Dad I'm at least 2 hours away, please get a taxi I'll pay for it. As it was I just couldnt leave work really. He refused to phone his cousin who sometimes took him to appointments - didnt want to put on him (hes retired too!). I had to say no.

So he sat in waiting room for FIVE hours waiting for patient transport all for the sake of a £10 taxi!

But get it all the time. "I've worked hard all my life, saved my money, not wasting it on things like taxis now". Jeez sometimes....

My fil's mobility sounds a bit like yours and there is no way he would tackle public transport because he would be afraid of getting pushed and breaking something, which I can totally understand. He is 84 not 64 and although an inconvenience he has asked for his son's help, which he is entitled to. Parents at some point do need more help from their children and I think where possible children should oblige it's not about money. He could be anxious about going to the hospital, doctors give out a lot of information and he might feel overwhelmed. Please be more compassionate towards the older generation.

At 84, I imagine you get to the point where the turns up when it feels like it hospital transport is worth avoiding.

If it's inconvenient for you, you need to find a mutually workable solution, though. you

If they can afford to use a taxi we found setting up an account really helpfu for wealthy but crazily frugal elderly relatives.
They don't have to have cash.
They don't have to physically pay the bill so it feels less like spending money.

We also started spelling it out. Still working. Limited Leave. Limited office goodwill. Better restricted to "key appointments" and not ferrying back & forward to physio.

My experience n=5 oldies is that they can be pretty bloody selfish as they get older & putting boundaries in place us no bad thing and doesn't make you a bad child.

Getting subsumed by caring is bad for mental health & burned out caters are no use to anyone.

Another vote for a community volunteer driver service. We have one here, and there is a similar one where DM lives, close to DSis. If you are that far away, it would be really useful for them to get into the habit of local support. Hospital appointments do seem to multiply..

Hospital transport is of course appropriate. highly recommended.

I'll go willingly into the residential care community for a start

Haha. That’s what DM said in her 50s after seeing how difficult her own DM was for her sister to look after...... until the time came 30 years later when I had to bully her into it!

Btw we have handled it by getting mum to move near me. It's almost killed us all to get it to happen though.

Agree with definitely doing it this time and discussing future options. Fantastic in a way that they are admitting they wouldn't remember what the doctor said but a bit worrying too.

Local to my area there is a franchise called Driving Miss Daisy which is a taxi service for people who might need support etc, I think the driver will wait with the client in the hospital and be more prepared to help them in/out of car.

There may well be something similar in you ILs area.

i did this last year with my mum. she lives 4 hours away! tbh i think she wanted the support. when it became clear it was going to be a regular thing she found a bus!

I would actually find out how much the taxi would be. Here they are very expensive. £30 for a 16 mile round trip to the hospital. Also they might just like some support at the appointment. I used to go with my father because he sometimes didn’t hear, remember or understand what the doc had said. They lose confidence when they get older, I think they look after their family and help them while they are growing up and a bit of support for them now would be nice

hospital transport is for people who cannot use public transport or lifts for medical reasons. Not for people who would like a door to door service without the cost of a taxi! Doing pick ups for able but elderly patients means journeys take longer (and cost nhs more) for people who are medically unfit / unwell and likely find the journeys awful as it is! rant over ....

If i was dh i would just say kindly, you can always ask me, but obviously because of work i won’t always be able to say yes - can you look into whether there is a local network of volunteers, or find out how much a taxi would cost and then next time if i can’t come I can organise and pay for your taxi instead.

Dm has used hospital transport and only got delayed occasionally. Agree with volunteer drivers and there may also be a dial a ride community transport service. Dm has managed in the past between hospital transport, taxis and lifts from friends.

When I went for my last appointment the waiting room was full and there was a sign saying the Dr was running 30mins late.
Waited less than 5 minutes and was on my way home 20 mins later.