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Elderly parents
Original poster

Do you help your elderly with the toilet? Should I cross my line, woman up and get on with it?

34 replies

Winterlight · 13/05/2018 19:09

Dad has Alzheimer’s and we’ve just reached the stage where he needs help sorting himself out on the loo. I always swore that this would be my line in the sand, I wasn’t doing it but now there seems no way round it when he is in my care. It’s not squeamishness it’s just the indignity of it for him breaks my heart.

We’re in that limbo stage at the moment, he’s not bad enough to go into care but requires help with most things in the home and can’t be left alone.

Have any of you ever refused to do intimate care duties for your elderlies? Should I just woman up?

OP posts:
TheDinosaurRoars · 13/05/2018 19:35

it’s just the indignity of it for him breaks my heart

You say you are not squeamish and it is purely the indignity that stops you wanting to help with personal care. So how about if you look at it from the point of view of the indignity of it not being done and him ending up having an accident. Wouldn’t that break your heart even more?

I would try to get a carer in but if necessary, I would do it (for anyone, not just my parents).

MonuMentalism · 13/05/2018 19:32

It’s not just you. Please don’t feel guilty either, you may get people saying “well when you were a baby your parents did it for you...” (this was said to me) but it’s not the same at all

X

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/05/2018 19:29

My parents are fit and healthy, but my great aunt lived independently into her 90s and at the end needed care. She lived in a supported living complex for the last 6 months and when I visited her once, her carer had just left and she needed to use the toilet. She asked if I could help her, we were both embarrassed but I tried to do it with as much dignity as possible - averting my eyes while she was actually on the toilet, then waiting until she was comfortably standing before wiping. It wasn't pleasant for either of us but in a way it reminded me of changing a baby, in that it didn't repulse me or disgust me. I don't know if I've explained what I mean well there though.

Floralnomad · 13/05/2018 19:27

I’d do it / have done it ( personal care) but then I’m an ex nurse , it’s not for everyone , I know my dh would struggle to do anything personal with his parents .

Iflyaway · 13/05/2018 19:23

No.

Please go to her GP. With her or without.

As a single mum working and exhausted I couldn't do everything....

pontiouspilates · 13/05/2018 19:18

My husband did it for his
Mum when she was at this stage with Alzheimers. The first time was definitely the hardest. Two years on after her death he looks back on it as a privilege to have been able to care for her. My heart goes out to you, its an awful disease isn't it?Thanks

Original poster
Winterlight · 13/05/2018 19:17

Hi MonuMentalism, he has a carer in first thing and my mum does the rest when she’s there. But I have him quite often on my own to give Mum a break so it’s those times. He’s just out from hospital so this is a recent development.

It’s actually a relief to hear that you wouldn’t do it I thought it was just me.

OP posts:
MonuMentalism · 13/05/2018 19:12

carers

MonuMentalism · 13/05/2018 19:11

I wouldn’t do it can you pay for caters to come into the home to help ?

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