Do you help your elderly with the toilet? Should I cross my line, woman up and get on with it?

I thought l wouldn't do it but when my dm needed it it wasn't a problem. After the first time we would chat away and act like nothing was happening. It became part of life. In the begining she kept apologising so it was important to keep it low key. When she died l felt privileged to have done it and it pushed me way beyond my comfort zone.

I did this for my grandad without a blink of a eye but I was a carer before
He was embarrassed but after first few times it was ok

Not sure about my parents I've helped mum before when she was ill actually and that was fine but I think my dad would find it too much and very embarrassing I did his catheter when he had a op but think that pushed it for him. It was a big learning curve!

What do you think he would have wanted? Everyone is different, my late grandfather was uncomfortable with the idea of his family doing intimate care but ok with carers.

I agree with sleephead1 - if you going to be in sole care then it might just need to be done. I did it for my gran a few times, simply because she needed help and there was no one else around to help.

I'm sorry OP, it's such a heartbreaking situation to be in.

I'm a nurse and used to doing personal care but I wouldn't want to do it for my parents but then again I'm not in your situation. It would be impossible unless your dad was in full time care or had a full time career at home to avoid taking him to the toilet. It's difficult isn't it? I know a friend who has looked after both her mum and dad both with Alzheimer's and she has carries out their personal care. I think once you do it the first time it will break the ice and will be easier thereafter

I wouldn’t want my children to do this. Hopefully it is a long way off, but I just don’t want that at all, so I think my parents would feel the same way about me.

first op so sorry to hear about your dad its a terrible disease both my grandparents had it it's shit. I've done it for my grandma , my man did it regularly for both her parents and bathing ECT aswell. I understand p eople saying you wouldn't and get carers but what if they are with you and it happens I mean you can't time when people need to toilet and carers come in at set times. I do understand not wanting to do it but if he had a accident I think that would be worse in terms of mess, clean up , indignity for the person and upset for you. It's a very hard one as obviously no one really wants to do it but I don't know what the alternative is while he's at home, He could wear pads but obviously if it was a poo would still need changed by someone straight away for wees they can hold a few wees so not such a issue. Just wanted to say again how hard it is seeing someone you love with this awful disease. Sending love to you all

I did it. It's not great at the beginning but you 'normalise' it

My relative, when they did move in to care, asked the staff if they could have their bath when I visited so I could do it. I was surprised as I thought they'd prefer a stranger

its an awful situation your mum and dad are in OP. You could ask if he needs help, but he may say no, not realising he actually does.

Ive had to do it for my partner when he used to lapse into unconsciousness usually after dtd when i would see the signs I would get the male urinal for him -

as i became ill he ended up having to do it for me before i had carers and thats when you know the relationship has nothing to hide as i couldnt hold myself upright so he sat me upright on edge of bed pulled close into him with pads underneath and held the female urinal into me so i could go, then we did our shuffle where he stood me up and sat me in a chair while he changed the bed as was sodden, his mum and aunt have helped me shower at different times, he has stopped me drowning in the bath 2 inches of water

Ive helped my mum and my aunt (she died when i was 11) and now im the one needing and receiving help i am thankful to the girls mostly who do it, there are a couple who rub me up the wrong way in every way

My parents now have live-in care but before this I would regularly help mom with personal care, including toileting and occasionally have done it for my dad when he was unwell. As you say it's a case of getting stuck in and getting on with it.

I admit I prefer not to have to for dad and I'll always call the carer at home but if we were out and he couldn't cope then I would.

I work as a carer so the idea doesn't bother me at all.

I second what a previous poster said that it is more undignified to leave someone dirty and at risk of sores and infection than to help clean them.

I do understand it's difficult for you though. I can't explain but helping with personal care makes me feel very protective of my customers. We give them as much dignity as possible though, covering genitals with towel where possible, shutting curtains and doors and leaving the room or turning our backs whilst they are actually on the toilet.

I would truly hate to have to do this for my dps

When my dad was very poorly, I needed to help him. It was a bit of a shock because mum said he could manage, but it turned out not to be the case. I helped him with the bottle and needed to change him several times because he got wet. After the first time, it became very much more a very straightforward practicality rather than anything embarrassing.

Have they got room for live-in cArers?

I did it for my parents and yes it is dreadful at first, emotionally let alone the practical side of it. But it does get easier. And now, as someone upthread said, I am glad I did it.

Winterlight I agree it isn't about being squeamish, it's the loss of dignity etc. I've been/am going through similar with elderly and frail parents.
I spoke to their doctor about the problem and they were referred to the Continence Nurse. So knowledgeable, helpful and empathetic. Incontinence pads etc are now on prescription and delivered. DF finally had an indwelling catheter fitted and he finds it very helpful.

I don’t think you are in a limbo stage. I think you’ve reached the point now

I'd do it for my parents if necessary. They've done similar for me over the years. Last year when I was pregnant and huge my mum looked at my sore bottom because I couldn't see past the bump to see if I had piles! I don't find it undignified to receive help from a trusted family member. Imo a stranger doing it is more undignified.

I've done this for very drunk friends and relatives, it's no different from caring for a helpless baby. If friends or relatives can't do it for whatever reason, you do it as you like/love them when needs must imo

My mother occasionally needs a bit of help with toileting these days. She always apologies for needing the help, saying it must be horrible for me. I remind her how often she changed my nappy... and how when they were first abroad, she had to change me on the bed, I (so the family story goes) used to do a back flip and end up on the other side of a big bed. Would let her walk round to 'this' side, then flip back to the other. 😁

we laugh, and smile and sometimes get a little sentimental.

What actually is the alternative? Is this the point where your mum either never gets a break or he moves to a residential home? Can you help provide finances or can your parents afford paid respite? Would your dad tolerate incontinance products to last between care visits?

We had a short period of time when we had to do this for my parents, pretty soon they needed nearly fulltime carers. I am so sorry that you are in this position, you have my best wishes, it is just so so hard.