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Elderly parents
Original poster

Probably going down in flames...

238 replies

Ophelialovescats · 04/05/2018 18:40

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

OP posts:
thesandwich · 06/05/2018 14:47

Me too queen- there yesterday, and tomorrow- but feel guilty today. 😢

ParoxetineQueen · 06/05/2018 13:19

I’ll go down with you Ophelia! Don’t know where to start there’s so much backstory. I feel guilty for taking a couple of days ‘off’ and know full well there will be another crisis because I have actually taken time to do my housework and spend time with my very patient DH.

WomaninGreen · 06/05/2018 09:18

Ophelia what happens if you all say no?

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 06/05/2018 09:15

Same with my mother . She won't have a full time carer , although she can afford it. She believes that family should look after her . However, she has a person come in every morning to help her wash .

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picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 16:26

Several reasons in my case... she believes family should, can never get on with professionals who don't come at the right time and do everything wrong. She hovers over them to make sure they make the tea in a pot, not in a mug.

Mine doesn't need proper personal care yet, more someone to make sure she hasn't fallen in the shower etc. And a regular hair brush and hairstyle. And someone to clear out her garage, sweep the leaves off the porch, change the bulb, move the pots around. General skivvy really.

pigpoglet · 05/05/2018 15:36

Why do you have to look after her ? Doesn't she have any money to pay for care ? Surely if that's the case the state step in? I'm glad my mum has enough money to pay for care because I won't be doing it . I love her and she was a good mum but she drives me nuts after half an hour 😬😬.

picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 15:30

We lost the 'wrong' parent. My lovely Dad, who we would all have bent over backwards for but who wouldn't have asked for a thing, died in January. He leaves us my Mum, who he looked after as though she was made of glass. She has been on a steep learning curve, as she was very dependent on him.

And of course, such is the way, the in laws are failing too. We have a little space, as DFil is not too bad yet, but DMil has dementia and they have a dependent adult son as well.

LanaorAna2 · 05/05/2018 14:40

Agree with everyone, not sure what the lone snarky exception was aiming at.

It's absolutely fine, sometimes essential, to be relieved. Make the most of it.

Especially nowadays when so many people have gone years before they die. And the diseases that led to that are so destructive and damaging to other people.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 05/05/2018 14:30

Pickle ...are you me ?
My mother's lack of interest in me is astounding!
Needmore, you have my sympathy.

OP posts:
Needmoresleep · 05/05/2018 13:28

It struck me that DMs a bit like a nuclear reactor. She has been living with dementia for a decade and may well live for another decade. A half life of 20 years.

There... said it.

picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 13:26

Sounds familiar! Never stops talking about people I don't know, and knows very little about us. She doesn't know when I work, and has only just twigged what I do.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 05/05/2018 11:36

Sounds like mine , everything has to revolve around her .
Do difficult to be with her because I will never get over her lack of interest in me or my family....she has more empathy with the characters in Corrination street 😂

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 11:20

One feels that she has nothing left to give. She lives nearby, but currently won't see her at all. She particularly hates feeling tied down, so won't say when she will visit or commit to anything.

The other has small children, and a business. He finds it difficult to set aside the time.

DM is difficult, and always wants more. It's hard work being with her. She can be very critical. Everything has to revolve around her, her ideas, her preferences. I take food down with me, else I'd starve!

While my dad was ill, I went down and stayed with them for about five days every month. Now it's going to be more like a long weekend every six weeks. I ring her every couple of days though, and talk for an hour. I send shopping by amazon when she needs things.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 05/05/2018 08:42

That's d true Pickle. In fact, we have an older sister who does not support at all , due to my mother's behaviour..she can't stand to be around her for longer than an hour every three weeks and the visits are getting further and further apart. . She lives nearby by too, my mother is very hurt by this but refuses to take any blame gir my sister's cold indifference towards her.
Why don't your siblings support you ?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 07:33

I know it doesn't directly affect me, but every time someone goes NC with a difficult parent, or just avoids facing the situation, someone somewhere usually has to pick up the pieces! I think it's great you and your siblings are supporting each other, and wish my family functioned better.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 04/05/2018 23:44

Picklemepopcorn, why are you thanking me ?
I live in a separate country to my mum, my siblings live nearby , I travel to see her to give my sibs s break regularly.

OP posts:
Scrabbler3 · 04/05/2018 23:44

I agree with everyone else. Wishing you welll, OP

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 04/05/2018 23:40

That's very true ALe.

OP posts:
ALemonyPea · 04/05/2018 21:16

You’re not evil at all. I felt the same towards the end of my MILs life. She had so many things wrong with her, she was miserable, she mad everyone around her miserable, and she just wasn’t the same person she was when she had been well.

Death can, at times like this, be a blessing, a release from whatever is making that person suffer.

Just remember the good times when you’re at the end of your tether, and through clenched teeth, remember they weren’t always like this.

💐 for you op

picklemepopcorn · 04/05/2018 21:11

Well, as the sibling who is stuck, thank you!

That's not strictly true, by the way. I live at a distance, but support by phone. The others do t support at all at the moment.

Because she is really hard to deal with.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 04/05/2018 21:07

Thank you for your kind posts .
I am stuck with the situation, unfortunately, as I have a good relationship with my siblings and don't want to leave all the care to them.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/05/2018 20:56

Ophelia, many of us recognise your feelings, Thanks

It's not evil, it's desperation. It's unrelenting.

HollowTalk · 04/05/2018 20:55

Maybe for your own mental health, you need to back off now and say someone else will have to do it instead. It sounds really awful for you.

Wolfiefan · 04/05/2018 20:50

So don't do it? She can sort professional help.

Penfold007 · 04/05/2018 20:28

Ophelialovescats are you my DSis? No your not evil.