Probably going down in flames...

Pickle and Irma, got to agree. My mum gives the outward appearance of being a sweet old lady to carers and medical staff, the reality is she has always been mean spirited even with things that have no impact on her life, she just doesn’t want anyone to have anything nice. She has always played the martyr card too and sits stewing over wrongs that people long dead have done to her.
Rant over for now!

Well, my dm always says a nasty young person becomes a nasty old person. And I find that as people age, their character traits become enhanced - or exaggerated - as older people tend to lose their filter.

Agree pickle, them not us.... and we do not have the emotional capital laid down by many years of being supported/ cared for by parents to either give us a role model or a reason for doing it......

What I want to know is, chicken or egg?

Are they extra difficult, or are we less able to put up with it because of our history?

I think they are extra difficult. They were absent/demanding when we were children, and they still are.

Sorry, thinking out loud by the looks of it!

Winterlight I often imagine myself as a scud missile flying through the clouds, then suddenly pitching down, and locking onto it's target (My dad's house).

Speaking of going down in flames- I few nights ago I lay awake in the early hours holding back the dark thoughts by picturing a giant asteroid landing on my mother’s immaculate bungalow leaving nothing but a crater.

Told DH and he said that there is an asteroid due to hit earth in 2135 and I said knowing my mother she’ll not only still be around then but she’ll survive unscathed.

Another only child to emotionally absent parents here. 🍷Here’s to us all keep you eyes on the skies.

Fil has had dementia for some years and is in a home. He is in decent physical shape but has absolutely no mental function. Dh is conflicted because he just doesn’t really care: fil was completely uninterested in dh and was also so stingy that he’s probably delighted that all the inheritance is gone on care home fees.

I can relate to that too OP. I suffered emotional abuse at the hands of my father's wife growing up, and he failed to keep me safe. Now, I apparently owe them. It doesn't work like that!

Absolutely....... the other threads on this board are full of -us- people who experience s echo yours!
And especially daughters!

Another one echoing the Electronic tag with no end date. It i isn’t easy at all and each time one issue is sorted another one pops up....
🍰and 🍷for all.

I feel like I’m wearing an electronic tag but have no idea when my release day might be.

Good God, I can relate to that! My Dad has end stage dementia (can no longer swallow). It looks like he's about to going into care, which is a good thing. And yes, I hope he dies soon, for everyone's sake, not least mine. What's now emerging though is that his wife (who has hitherto not been very interested in me) is becoming needy and intrusive, and I think angling for a replacement for my Dad on some emotional level. Although I'm going to have to be firm, just being the subject of passive aggressive, 'helpless' behaviour is really draining.

Thanks OP for starting this thread - it's been cathartic.

You're not evil, OP. My parents were 99 and 97 when they died. Mum had dementia and weighed about 5 st at the end. I loved mine with all my heart and miss them dreadfully but the last three or four years were dreadful and it was a relief. It was time.

I have these thoughts. I’m four years on from my Dads Alzheimer’s diagnosis and just had an awful few weeks. But it’s my mum who is in relatively good health who sucks the life out of me. She is self absorbed, insensitive with no warmth about her.

I just want to be free of the responsibility. I feel like I’m wearing an electronic tag but have no idea when my release day might be.

Pigpoglet, there absolutely would be bitterness and bad feeling!

Some people are very stubborn, and would cut off their own nose to spite their face. My mum would happily lie in a heap on the floor for a week if it would give her dramatic bragging and guilt tripping rights. Honestly, it's easier to tread a the fine line of pandering to her while still staying sane,

I could have the same thing about my elderly aunt - who is an emotional vampire. She and my uncle never had children so its fallen to me to act as their POA and skivvy as their nearest relative (my DSis lives 3 hours away). DUnc is a sweetie and a very good patient (has dementia) and she's been in stubborn denial for years about his condition. He's easy to manage but she's a pain in the backside; "glass is not just half empty, its cracked!", supercritical, paranoid and as tight as a ducks a*. DSis and I are convinced he'd thrive in our local nursing home (my mum lives there), as they have lots of musical and "cinema" nights that he'd love. But she stubbornly insists he stays with her (we think so she doesn't have to pay for his care out of their savings) and is unpleasant to him because of her frustration with his illness. I hope she goes first so he gets a bit of peace and quiet!

Why not all say no , sit down and say it's too much and she needs to get carers in .. I don't see why this would be a problem . My dad lived in a hospital bed in their house for a year before he died and we got carers in 3 x a day . Our relationship then stayed as one of love and emotional support and not one of bitterness and bad feeling.

Exactly what I was going to say ... why not say no .. or does she have some kind of hold over you?

Well done, Ophelia for voicing what so many people feel. If you are elderly and are totally self-centred, critical and selfish you shouldn't be surprised if people feel resentful and trapped if they have to care for you. Anyone who is righteous about how terrible it is to feel as you do, I'd like to bet has never been in the situation. It is hard to let people take the consequences of their actions if they refuse care or to do this or that and take advantage of the goodwill of their family. It annoys me when people can afford care but think their families should do everything without a break. It's wrong and unfair. It's also natural to feel as you do.

My mum's refusal to tolerate carers became a safeguarding issue when she was looking after Dad on her own. She objected to paying for a service which she felt was inadequate, and thought it was easier to do it herself. The service was poor, but it was better than nothing.

Iggia, my brother lives at home, Mum and he have had a difficult relationship at the best of times, so I feel I’m letting him down too.She has carers in for personal care once a day

Pickle, your 15:30 post yesterday rings so true about MIL. DFIL died quickly following a cancer dx, and MIL struggled on for the 7 years she was alive afterwards, relying heavily on me and DH, more me as I was a SAHM at the time. It really soured our relationship and towards the end I resented the burden she had become, as she refused to move to a nursing home or accept any further help other than from DH and I. BIL was an utter fuckwit and never helped at all, even though he has no DC and 4 days off a week.

Cross post, but you might find they would welcome a step back too

Would it not be better to step back from the care and then you wouldn’t mind how long she lived! You could still do some duty visits. Ime it’s not the norm anymore for family to be doing personal care. I did less than you have done for my dm and she was lovely. But maybe that’s why she didn’t expect me to.