Probably going down in flames...

Ophelia,

Thank you for your comments. Sibling involvement varies . There is one who loudly chased off another sibling when they asked for financial help , only to clean out my fathers account themselves. This is all 'secret'. Another relative quietly informed us all but the dead was done. Nothing can be discussed openly . My father will not tolerate any questioning or requests for information , he very much feels he knows best.
As a result of all this some siblings have gone very low contact.
To be honest I was shaken when I found out what had happened and I realised that I had been lied to over the years . Large sums had gone to one or two siblings for decades but it was kept secret. That is another thread!

Roles have been allocated to each of us. For some of us meeting that demand is very difficult due to our circumstances and for others it costs them little.
But my father keeps a careful note of who hasn't done their 'duty'. So there is a heavy weight always there .
Despite all this I do have a deep empathy for my father being a widower .
But I find my birth family oppressive and only trust one or two of them.
Depressing.

Usernameschmusername1

not a bad person at all

for me there's the irony that my parents were first ill when I was in my 20s and I was delighted they were still here when I had my 40th birthday

I still remember, in those days, when I occasionally heard a story from someone who felt relief at the passing of a parent, I felt a bit shocked. How stupid I was.

but even in the intervening years, I would look at people in retirement who were looking after elderly parents and think "that must be awful".

Now the idea of being 60 and helping parents in their 90s is terrifying me.

Op,

I feel the same. I particularly recognise what Petrol said. I sometimes calculate how many more years ( in theory) I will have to continue at my father's beck and call and realise I will be elderly when 'freedom' comes . I then realise I am the horrible person my parents told me I was when I was a teenager!

I also have a severely disabled child to look after. He is never mentioned by my father or most of my siblings. When my mother was alive and I went against my better judgment and tried to express my complicated feelings ( as a career) she suggested I put my son in a home . Neither of my parents had this caring role for their own parents.

Sorry to derail OP. Once the floodgates open its hard to stop !

sorry, catching up

flowers for everyone!

oh Petrol, I do feel for you

more than I can say!!

My mum was wonderful and my childhood was a near perfection as you can think. But it will still be a blessing when she dies. And if Mum could talk, she'd say the same thing! She's 96 and has severe dementia. Luckily she's is a good care home and my brother and I share visiting her, although she no longer knows who we are. We aren't physically burdened as she's in a home, but it's still being 'tied down' as we don't feel as free plan holidays or to come and go on days out on 'our day' without making sure the other one will be around to 'cover' for us. As good as a care home may seem to be, you still feel the need to keep an eye on them.

So it's not just people with 'troublesome' relationships with a parent who will be relieved when they die. Many of us who had/have wonderful relationships will be relieved, too.

Thanks petrol makes me sound a real misery fest but it’s how it is.

gosh user thats a grim scenario. so sorry.

It’s horrible isn’t it but I feel the same about my mother. She hated her own mother and resented her hugely and we have never had a good mother daughter relationship. She’s literally the last person I’d ever have gone to for support but now she needs round the clock care, is in a home and I’m her only access to the outside world. Whatever I do it’s never enough and although I understand her life now is pretty awful, I’m also well aware that if our position were reversed I’d never see her. Now it’s all too late and I see her every week and do my very best but I can’t work a miracle. Just wish occasionally she would thank me or show it’s appreciated but she never does because it’s not enough and it’s all about her. Because she’s cared for 24/7 in a home she’s in better physical health than ever, relatively young and will probably carry on for years being trapped and miserable. It’s heartbreaking and depressing for all and so very sad that I’m secretly hoping that another massive stroke will end it all. I’ve actually spent more time with her in the last 5 years than in the previous 25 and those visits just suck the life out of me.

Oh petrol I am sorry🌺🌺🌺please have a read of the other elderlies board- and the mantras of boundaries, self care, and a good dollop of Teflon on the shoulders to protect... plus 🍷and🍰 and🍫🍫

does anybody feel their own life is trickling away waiting for parents to depart?
I honestly dont know who I am anymore.

Ophelia, no, she pops by twice a year to say hello

mostly to ensure her inheritance

I would like to go down her path

if she gets away with that and they don't think badly of her....well they used to, but they've come to accept it now.

I'm desperate for my elderly father to die. Absolutely desperate. It will be a mercy for him, and a mercy for me. You are not evil, OP.

Ophelia, my sister never liked them even when we were children

also she feels free of obligation which is good

she never socialised with them after leaving home, whereas I did. What a mistake that was!

thanks all

yes, my sister doesn't do anything and that was so sensible of her.

I'm now in that place where my parents will loudly declare they don't "need" help, then later - always at some point of emergency - declare they do - and then after I've helped they have no appreciation of the strain (I have long hours at work, they are not nearby, I have depression and anxiety too, sorry to be a cliche).

I know some posters on here were badly treated by their parents. I don't fall into that bracket in terms of the past. But I feel they behave badly and selfishly in their old age - as if old age entitles them to something.

I have to learn to say no, cut myself off. the fact they might live another 20 years is terrifying.

Lighthouse- can you say more? Sounds like you could do with a few listening ears. What’s making you feel like this?

Glad to find this
Ugh elderly parents
Someone just shoot me please. They seem to be unstoppable and I think it will be worse when there's one. Or I'll have to move far away.
They made a comment about inheritance today. There won't be one. It will go on them living to 109, being treated privately for every condition you can think of, coming out the other side, then going on a holiday to celebrate while complaining that, having done work, hospital etc etc I don't want to go for a celebration dinner.

At the point I don't know if it's just easier if I off myself first. (No need to suggest Samaritans, not actually going to do it tonight).

But where is the hope? I'm an atheist and I even tried praying though obvs that got me nothing. Thanks for the thread op.

This is exactly how I feel. I hate thinking it but I just can’t wait for my mother to die.

She’s a horrible person and always has been. Between her and my DD dementia I think I’ve had 10 years off my life

Oh, but it's good to say it out loud sometimes!