Probably going down in flames...

At what point do elderly people lose their personality and become selfish, self-absorbed and critical? It seems that everyone here has the same mother.

@LighthouseSouth I'm 25 weeks pregnant and still suffering from bad sickness, but even if I'm having a good day, it's. Great excuse 🙈🙈

I'm thinking of trying to reduce to once a month

It's a three hour round trip if trains are okay

I need to learn the skill of just nodding along with them and if it's once a month rather than once a week, in theory, that should be easier? They have accepted they may need some home help. I'm normally there a good few hours helping with things, then they wonder why I'm not full of sparkling chat!

it's annoying, but in a way, if they think my A&D is worse than it is, I should probably let them think that.

If that takes away some of the weight or unpleasantness, then absolutely let them think that! In fact, let them think that upsetting you could make you very ill and unable to visit at all.

I skipped last weekend's visit

going for a couple of hours this weekend

it's a new boundary but I know it will need a lot of explaining but I don't want to explode at them, you know?

last night they were talking to me as if they were blaming my anxiety and depression for my "inability to cope" - it's annoying, but in a way, if they think my A&D is worse than it is, I should probably let them think that.

musings....I suppose there is the kind, benign parent who becomes difficult and unpleasant in extreme old age and the one who has always been unpleasant and continues to do so.

These people were born into a different world and the adult/child dynamic was often different.....physical abuse was the norm, children should be seen and not heard, all that stuff.

I guess personally I have all the time in the world for anybody who realises they may have got it wrong and has the guts to say so.

Oh god, the rows I used to have with my DM in the earlier stages of her dementia. She was totally irrational (but lucid) and couldn't see it at all, and I, in my then-ignorance and inexperience, could not understand why she did not listen to reason and did such seemingly stupid, cruel things
So full-blown, screaming and shouting and storming-out rows ensued, with heartache all round. Sadly she was also taken advantage of by some people around her and I couldn't do anything about that either.

It was the worst period of my life.
And yes, I've decided I don't ever want to be like that, or live too long. I'm going to sign an advance directive.

Oh yes, I feel ancient now. In large part it’s because spending time with my mother is so draining and has depleted my reserves. So, solidarity, everyone!

yes huge thanks to everyone here and for the OP for starting the thread.

I hope we can use it as a ranty thread?

One of the things I am resentful about it is that it makes me feel so old. I always knew I didn't want a long life, but hearing the things they say...before insisting on more treatment to keep them alive....I just feel so old now, like within the last year or so.

Monica ,

I've looked at the other elderly parents threads but I have to agree with the poster who said they aren't ranty enough! There's a rawness to the posts here which I have found so helpful.

If I have missed other threads like this, please link them if you can .

Thank you to all who have posted here.

This thread is a relief to read, I have just posted about FIL, it's a long one so didn't want to post on this thread x

I agree with all that has been said. No matter how confused they are they all seem to put on the sweet person act for everyone else. All of my cousins, the neighbours, care staff were all treated with respect. They listen to her lies and looked down on me. Even though I wrecked my health giving In to endless demands . Never a please or a thank you or a bit of gratitude.

When one cousins remarked how awful my brother was for never visiting, i defended him by saying that she had no idea of the life we had as children. That he had it even worse than I did. I then got a phone call from her daughter, chastising me for upsetting her mother.

Mother went on and on about how I would inherit her house, how I would be rich one day. Often said in front of DH, with a remark that his parents were Council House Tenants. When she died I gave it all away. It would have choked me to spend one penny of her money.

That would have killed her, if she was not already dead. She was the meanest woman on earth. She would begrudge every penny given to Charity, or any help given to anyone beside herself.

Ooh yes, lighthouse, plenty of ranting there. Though it does go in waves, I think!

I eye up my elderly in laws and worry about who will go first, how will the other cope, and what will happen to BiL (never lived alone, undiagnosed/unrecognised special needs).

LighthouseSouth - You must have looked at one of the quieter pages, because we're often ranting or gently rocking in the corner while trying not to scream!

as if people who were always nasty become cute and sweet just because they are old

This is so, so true! I think a person's personality 'intensifies' as they get old, especially if they have dementia. My cousin is in the same boat I am, our mothers are sisters, both with advanced dementia, both in care homes. My auntie had always been a, well, a very bossy person who had no problem telling it like it is, 'for your own good' of course. Especially to my poor cousin. My mum was always calm, even tempered, and very kind. My mum has become even more docile and quiet where my auntie has become a real tartar. She's even hit and slapped her carers and my cousin, and tells her to 'go away' and steers her to the door by the arm when she comes to see her. It's so hard for my cousin as she's such a sweet person herself to feel such rejection from her own mother.

What pisses me off is that millions and millions is spent for research to enable people to 'live longer' but not a tenth of it is spent on research for dementia, alzheimer's, and related conditions of the mind. And society is so far behind in helping families care for their elderly. The answer is either 'move them in with you' or 'put them in a home'. The first isn't always practical and the latter isn't always affordable!!!

like they have " done well" for being old!

Lighthouse all ranters v v welcome!! We all have our ranty moments!!

Monica, I looked at that first but there's not enough ranting to feel safe there

when I mention my very elderly parents, the reaction is nearly always an " aw". Trust me there is no aw.

Hadn’t seen this thread until today and there’s so much here to relate to. My mother has always been difficult and demanding and has become even more so in old age. She frequently lashes out at those around her.

For those who aren’t already on it, may I recommend the long-running caring for elderly parents thread? It offers a more realistic view of what it’s like, rather than the romanticised twaddle that some like to promote.

Tarty, you mention "shell"

my mum actually told me she feels like a shell and is waiting to die....but won't sign an advance directive thingy. Last time she was blue lighted to hospital, she actually asked my dad not to call the ambulance...but then he had to say to her "are you sure" because she's never signed that paper...so then she said "okay, call them" and then after a few days in hospital, came home and kept telling us "why didn't I die, it's not fair".

Ophelia, It's fucking hard. I know how you feel. My DM died a couple of years ago just shy of her 90th birthday after 12 years of worsening dementia; some of that time she was in residential care, which was easier for me and DB but prior to that life was a constant, all-pervading stream of worry and drama.
It affected my own mental health and my relationship with my DM.
After the went into a home life was easier in that some of the worry was removed but I still visited her every other day and my DB once a week (he lived about 1-1/2 hours away and still worked, I did not.)
Even so it was a relief when she died (thank you pneumonia). In reality she had left us many years before and was just a shell of a human being with no quality of life.
I also think that trying to prolong life in all circumstances is not always correct -- even when it was clear that my DM was dying the nursing home and GP said she should go to hospital to have IV antibiotics instead of staying in the home where she had lived for several years, in comfort and surrounded by familiar people and things.
Bitter experience told me she would then be on a trolley amidst the turmoil of an A&E Dept for many hours and then probably be discharged back to the home again. (Because that's what happens once they know someone's in a nursing home.)

I refused and she died peacefully 12 hours or so later. I feel guilty about it even though I believe it was the right thing to do for her. But I felt relief (and still do) so I suppose I feel guilty for me. She was my mum.

Petrol,

I've been thinking along the same lines. I can only speak for myself but I notice a difference in attitude generally. My parents felt ( and feel) able to interfere and pronounce judgement in every area of their adult children's lives. Even on very personal matters . I would never do that . In fact the older I get , the less I feel I know !
I'll make different mistakes I suppose

shausername, interesting you say neither parent had this role. My father didnt take on a caring role as his parents died and my Grandma went quickly and without pain, so no role there for Mum.

Things have changed so much. Families scattered and people living longer. I think the lesson i have learnt is be open, pragmatic and sensible with your kids, and avoid this heartache.