Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

viewfield - go for it, what have you got to lose?

Turns out DM has been having morphine regularly (makes her doolally) and has also had a UTI since Friday for which she is on oral antibs.... shouldnt the home have told me??

• situation doesn't sound sustainable

I've just had a phone call from a very nice social worker, following a referral from our GP about my Mum (which I sort of forgotten about, it was mentioned about a month ago). They want to do an assessment, my worry is that it will cause a massive massive fuss but not lead to anything as she is managing her medical / practical / personal needs alright, it's her mental health needs that are causing us the stress and limiting our lives. The social worker said (very kindly) your situation doesn't sound situation and what's the worst that can happen with the assessment? And recommended going ahead with it. So I'll see what comes next. Probably nothing. Maybe something.

Well done, yolo, and if I didn’t say it before, may I just say (because I love musicals in general and La Streisand in particular) hello Dolly!

Brilliant brilliant news yolo you ROCK!!!!!⭐️⭐️🏅🏅🎖🎖🥇🥇🏆🏆 this must be taking so much of your time and energy. So glad she apologised.

Brilliant news Yolo! You do indeed Rock!

I bloody ROCK today! I have found a sleeper-in to start on Tuesday. Found her via local FB group, highly recommended by a lady who lives in America, and this lady looked after her mum for 5 years. Spoken to her, she's happy to start Tues and will do 7pm-7am. Day care is kind of cobbled together but there will be periods when she is on her own; still have full time live in options to explore on Tues.
Mum very relieved, and apologetic. Discovered they have been giving her morphine, which explains an awful lot - she never reacts well to it.

So we'll see what Tues brings, but it's a start at least.

I dunno... on the one hand she tells me all the staff love her; the staff do not say the same. Panic attacks I think. Part of the problem is that she is not ILL, just broken. So she wants to see a doctor, but the home dont think she needs to so she panics more. Pretty sure she is on less drugs than usual, but has been in some sort of care pretty much since June 7 so would have thought she'd weaned off by now? Oth, nurse today said she was on controlled drugs, so who would sort her meds when she gets home on Tues? wont be me, so it will have to be the enablement team, the other ladies she has cobbled togther, and if I can manage it, a live in carer. I dont even know her current meds status.

Why is she frightened in the home, where she is safer than at her house?? That's bizarre. Sorry to go on about it but that does sound like withdrawal symptoms from the benzodiazepines?

omg annan she's actually made a decision? that's bloody EPIC! well done and lots of celebratory emoticons. going to spend the rest of the afternoon in the garden well away from the phone...

Oh DEAR. Your life certainly involves doing things you don't want to do, yolo, that visit very much included. Most people's lives do. If you didn't love her you wouldn't care that her being at home is so extremely risky for her.

My mother's LPA has been registered at last, and she is buying another place which my sister and i dropped everything to get her 100 miles to view. I'm hoping when we can work out how to use it she will let us do some of the process for her, like getting tge money into.the right bank accounts. Here's hoping.

Oh yolo you could not have done anything else. She has created this and needed to hear the home truths. 🍷🍷🍷for you.

Fun visit this morning, and I am not particularly proud of myself.

Why is everyone so cross with me?
Because we think you are making a stupid rash decision without thinking of anyone else.
But it's MY life!
So get on with it.
Get me an overnight carer NOW.
Not possible, spent last week trying to do just that.
Ok I'll stay 2 more days.
Not possible, they cant rearrange the care package now in place at your request, you would have to stay another week.
But I'm so frightened here, I think I'm going to die. You cant be angry with an old lady who has hurt herself. I thought you loved me?
Don't be so bloody manipulative (and then I left with steam coming out of my ears).

Still, it's a sunny day and I have so probably just a few more phonecalls to either duck or manoeuvre my way through...

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice.... honestly so helpful and nice to know it’s a relatively common problem sometimes feels like no one would understand the insanity of it xx buying that book contented dementia for sure! Xx

dolly it's so easy to give advice to others but harder to put it into action - as we all know only too well on here. At 32 weeks pregnant though, YOU and the baby are the priority. You cannot keep travelling an hour each way to sort her out so however reluctant she is, she will have to accept some form of care. I am so sorry.

DM has managed to book herself a taxi home on tues pm to said empty house. A couple of local carers have gone freelance and have said they will help out a bit. The one I spoke to today has a 5 yo and a 6yo so her working time in school summer hols will be in short supply. SS not that much help though concerned about her vulnerability. I could write a bloody book about today alone, let's just say that she apparently has mental capacity, she's made her own bed and is about to fall out of it very soon. all round.

Yolo just to say you helped me loads when I felt like I was endlessly coming on here struggling with my situation. I'm so sorry that it's got so difficult at the moment. I agree with others that you need to step back now so that your DM has to see for herself what the reality of being at home will be like. So difficult I know so well xx

yolo sending extra 🍷🍷🍫🍫. No idea where you go now.
Good advice from nota and the use of authority figures seems to help with elderlies- doctor/ vicar etc.........

Hi Dolly. It's a hard one when the person themself resists external help especially if 'they' can cope (ie you can do things for them). My mum resisted help until she had a stroke, then 'authority' stepped in to set up the carers. Mum respects authority, so that worked far better than anyone else nicely suggesting it. We also have the lost/stolen bag/cheque book drama regularly.

Don't hold out too much hope that a diagnosis of dementia will unlock much help, depending on where you live, there is very little out there. But try and explore things that put support in place if you can before your baby gets here, for example applying for attendance allowance (that can help pay towards care etc), getting POA in place. All useful things for the future.

there is a book called contended dementia which you may find useful, it basically suggests playing along with things, rather than correcting the person.

Hello I’m new! I’m dealing with my Nanna who we are now realising is suffering from more than just memory issues she has a memory appointment/assessment next week and the past two weeks have been so difficult compounded by me being 32 weeks pregnant! I took her to an eye appointment two weeks ago where we were told she is virtually blind which she denies and also combined with memory issues meaning I do not think she can look after herself- she currently lives alone around an hour away from me and my dad and is desperate not to move out of the house she’s been in for 69 years. Since that appointment she has booked a taxi each day to go to the appointment seeminly on a loop thinking each day is that day. She is also constantly panicking about lost purse or bag which she finds then panic it is lost ten minutes later accusing people of taking etc. this is sometimes confused by moments of compete clairty and self awareness which change to not letting anyone help her or let us get anyone to help her.

I wondered how you have dealt with getting in home care for a person who doesn’t want it? And if this sound like dementia if so how can I help, do I remind her she’s forgotten things or play along?

Thanks so much!

One off clean is a good idea. I did that with the gardener and it worked.

Holding the line. It is like going into battle. Us versus stubborn independence.

Independence is great but not if it destroys someone else's life. Luckily I'm not at that stage but some of the stories on this thread make me think that the system is broken.

Social services say the enablement team cannot handle her needs. not quite sure what happens now!! but apparently someone is going to phone me (on a Friday afternoon before the bank holiday? seems unlikely...)

Yolo your mother is priceless. Step back, you have done what you can. She knows the risks. Your poor dd. She shouldn’t have to deal with this.
Little- hold the line. Could you suggest a one- off clean to get things back in shape?
🌺🌺🍫🍫☕️☕️🥃 to all.

I went to A&E with my teenage daughter and it was amazing to see how many people were there with elderly relatives who had multiple problems. It made me realise how common these situations are becoming and how difficult they are to cope with too.

It is the combination effect isn't it? Children, husband, university trips, work, home, elderly parent, their medical needs, errands, their house.......