Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

Wonky- sorry to hear about your rib. But it makes the decision for you,doesn’t it? Take care.
Yolo- sorry you weren’t appreciated. And giving up zimmer for lent..... i’m speechless.....

oh shit wonky that sounds painful. oth, it does at least mean that you dont have to do that long trip and she will have to manage with local support.

Well my plans of visiting my mum with my boys in their holidays may have to go on hold because Although I have shaken off the worst of my cough with antibiotics I seem to have managed to crack a rib.
Have been told no heavy lifting for at least a month (ha tell that to the toddler) and to take it easy (hahahahaha ow! Laughing hurts)
No way I can drive 600miles on my own with the kids and heft all the crap that I need to take with us for a visit.
Glad I hadn't told mum we were coming as it would have cause as sorts of problems as she really can't cope with plans changing.

hey all just checking in having not seen DM since Sat, when girls and took round flowers and a card. Girls both home from uni, she couldnt be bothered with them. Didnt go yesterday as had ALL inlaws for lunch for Mothers Day. Also tricky as perfect SIL and her perfect children are apples of PIL's eyes, while we are not....

however I have a few nights off coming up - Weds I'm away for work, then next week DH and I are spending 2 nights in DD2's uni town and then I'm away for work again the following Sat. The nights off are what keep me sane!!

too many comments for me to respond to, but I do know how you all feel! The outside world sees a charming old lady, we see the demands and the moans and the problems...

waiting for my copy of The Selfish Pig to arrive, 2nd hand from amazon.

Dad now on his own. He looks increasingly wobbly on his feet and very wheezy with all sorts of health problems. He is setting up POA just in case.

So worrying isn't it?

Bahhhumbug, I get plenty of 'oh it's you, what do you want' when I turn up having driven 150 miles.

The most effective thing during the crisis when both my mother and brother assumed I was entirely at her disposal (as did various bits of SS and the NHS) was to suggest that my husband's patience was wearing thin and he was about to put his foot down.

I had no rights, but obviously a husband had a right to expect his tea on the table when he came home. Deep down DM was very worried he might run out of patience and force me to abandon her. (DH is nothing like that, but she would have remembered how hostile she had been to him when we first met. Luckily he found this funny.)

Accidentally opened thread due to phone/site going wonky- so although not in this situation (yet!) couldn't not comment!@bahhhhumbug I'm incredulous to read the way you are treated, they are rude and truculent and do not deserve your help. Agree with pp, you need to step back as she clearly doesn't find your help 'the right kind' and she needs double handling..

Oh I know that one. My dad hates his Zimmer frame with a passion - it’s a symbol of his increasing disability and he fights it

Of course. Do pm. I have fond memories of a coffee with a MNetter whose mother was diagnosed with dementia the same week as mine. Bizarrely it was mainly laughter as we compared the mad things that had happened or that we had had to put up with. I am not sure anyone listening in would have understood the gallows humour, or the relief in being able to share.

Giving up a Zimmer frame for lent is really bizarre.

hopping
Your post has really made me think.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother. Now geriatric she is just a more enhanced version of the astonishingly self centred manipulative cold person she always was.

This hurts and angers me as I find myself doing emotional caring and practical stuff for her that it would have never occurred to her to do for me.

How much more of a shock it must be to see a kind vibrant engaged person becoming a shell of who they once were.

I can understand the dread of visiting. I really can. Don't be hard on yourself.

I am keeping my head above water
No small thanks to one awesome poster who knows who she is

Nota arrrgh! Hope you make the film!

The garden centre was playing The Carpenters on a loop. If that didn't make me psychotic today, nothing will.

🌺🌺🌺🌺 hopping. Yes, vent away. I know exactly what you mean.

I think the most devastating thing for me is how I no longer look forward to spending time with my Mum ( I know that sounds awful and I wouldn’t say it in RL.
She’s still fully aware mentally but has a lot of physical issues and has been reduced to hospital appointments and possibly a trip to the supermarket once a week
My smart, trendy, fun, sparky Mum has been replaced by an old lady in a wheelchair who only talks about how bad her health is.
I used to look forward to seeing her and if I couldn’t phoned several times a week but now I mostly feel obligation and duty.
Her home was the one place I felt I didn’t have to be the responsible adult and be looked after instead of being the one who looks after everyone but that has gone now too.
I do love her and visit often and help out a lot but I miss what we used to have
I’m aware this is selfish and self pitying and she has it far worse than me but I thought this might be a safe place to vent.

Hello all- good to see you needmoresleep! Your perspective from the long view is really helpful.
Nota- sounds like a very good plan. Garden centres are great for elderlies! Usually quite spacious, colourful, and cake😉😉. Dm declined a lunch trip yesterday so i’ll call in today.... might need to liberally apply Teflon as I have to hear what a tough time dB is having..... rehearse in head.... “nod and smile”.......
and to everyone struggling.

For those of us on here that are dealing with our mothers, have some .

I am about to take mine out to the local garden centre, because I feel obligued to do something, and I can combine a treat for her with coffee and cake in the cafe. I have told my kids that I don't want anything from them because I want to break the cycle of obligation.

I am planning on taking myself out to see Three Billboards tonight as a well done to me - assuming I can last that long...

Hi all. I thought I would drop in, following Sandwiches' namecheck. I am indeed a veteran. DF died about 8 years ago, when DMs dementia was already becoming obvious. I've ridden the storm of denial, anger, useless care agencies, and bureaucratic health services, and reached the relative calm of very sheltered housing and a great carer. DM may have another decade of twilight left, but the road ahead is clearer, and I have enough support organised not to be filled with dread each time the phone rings.

The Hugh Mariott book is great. My advice is to set boundaries, and to pace yourself. Getting burnt out helps noone. My mother is relatively well off so I have picked up quite a lot of financial knowledge around POA etc along the way, so feel free to ask. And if anyone needs someone to listen and lives within striking distance of London, PM me and the first or is on me.

Hi Bahhh. I know how you are feeling. I am emotionally drained, have run out of empathy and feel she is using me as her emotional dumping ground. I have visited her 4 times this week and phoned several times and tomorrow she has several shops/places that she has asked me to take her to. I will spend at least 4 hours tomorrow with her. I have decided that I am not visiting on Sunday too. I am seeing my own mum (and dad) and spending some time at home with DH and DS. I know MIL will moan about me not visiting when I phone her to wish her a lovely mothers' day.
the sandwich. I have looked up the book and see my local library has a copy. I will pick it up tomorrow. Thanks for the recommendation. I have decided to be better to myself and need to develop teflon shoulders too.

Haha sorry Wonky l know its not funny but that made me spray my tea. My dmil always says 'ooh hello stranger her' or 'look what the cats dragged in ' or' bloody hell it'll rain now you've turned up ' and so on. This is when lve not been round for a day or two at most. Problem is l feel less like going round with every passing day when lve been absent a few days because the level of hostility increases with every passing day.