Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

Thank you for taking the time to read and to reply.
I don’t find domestic chores a challenge or boring. It’s just the where is this going thoughts all the time and the associated frustration. I have put the relevant monies in place and we are fortunate financially. It is very kind of you to write and I think that I must manage myself and my inner self to manage the situation in a better manner.

Thank you and mumsnet too for allowing me to put my thoughts and insecurities into writing. What an old whimp I must appear!

Turismo- who says men should be tough? And hope you take the advice here. You have a right to be happy.
Yolo- enjoy!!!!! And don’t feel guilty. Consider it essential Teflon maintenance.

this is so wrong: I have THREE nights off!!! and I am practically dancing with glee. Going away with DH to see DD2 at her lovely seaside uni town, we will eat, drink, be merry and do touristy stuff and I wont have to be NICE!!
In other news, she phoned up DWP today to ask about extra allowances "now that I no longer drive, have to take taxis, have carers and am housebound" They were all very nice to her, but I fear there will be no extra money for a really rather well-off old lady.

Turismo: yes you cant put your life on hold and nota has a really good point about her managing while you go to work. even if you used eg attendance allowance for a 'babysitter' once or twice a week if your brother couldnt step up twice it would give you some breathing space.

Hi @turismo if your mum can manage while you are out at work, then she can manage while you go out dancing. You mustn't put your life on hold because of her inability to interact with the world, otherwise this could go on for the next 10-20 years. Make the change now while you still can.

My mum refused to go back to a couple of day centres I lined up for her, so I told her that was that. If she refused to cooperate with things that got her out of the house without reliance on me, that she could stay at home 24/7, but that I wasn't going to hear a word of complaint. Tough love, but I was exhausted.

Have you claimed Attendance Allowance? Being able to use that to pay for someone else to do some of the chores like the garden made a real difference to me.

Thank you for your responses.
On balance I really should count my blessings in fairness. It’s not a crime to be old and I am in good health. So many people deal on a daily basis with huge difficulties. In essence it is probably my guilt that causes me to write. When mum goes will my grief be for her or for myself at feeling a sense of relief? I really don’t want her to go into a home and the delaying of that for as long as possible should be (and is) the main priority) Men should be tougher about these things but well I’m not!
I have two excellent grown up children whom I love dearly and am loved in return. Reading my own words back on here and your comments help me to put things in perspective. Thank you for reading my ramblings.

I've posted before, and have been amazed (I shouldn't be though) at how many other people have been going through the same as me.
My mother fell six months ago, fracture, hospital, bed blocked, home carers etc etc, desperately clutching onto independence etc etc.
She finally said she wanted to go into a new care home nearby and is very happy.
I've now got POA and I'm selling her house to pay for the care fees. I had no idea how complicated it is to sort out the finance aspect of POA with the bank etc. And solicitors charge £45 to stamp and sign 15 sheets of paper!
💐💐 and 🍸🍸to all.

Turismo so sorry to read your story. Glad you found this place to say the unsayable.you must have a life for yourself.
Have you got all the financial help you are entitled to? Support from the local carers group? Respitecare? Strongly reccomended needmoresleep suggested read of the selfish pigs guide to caring.
You cannot change your dm. You can only change yourself, and you deserve happiness.

Hello, Turismo. I’m a relative newbie here but I’d say don’t be apologetic, as all of us here will find something in your post to which to relate.

You’re right, it is very dispiriting to feel that one is trying to improve the situation of someone who don’t do anything to improve that situation for themselves. Of course, nobody is compelled to accept advice, but when constructive suggestions are brushed aside for no obvious good reason it is frustrating. My technique is not to offer suggestions but, when a problem is mentioned, just to ask “what are you going to do about that?”

Is there anything you can do to carve out some time for yourself? If your mother can’t be left in the house alone, could your brother (or a carer) sit in for an evening (or more) a week so that you can go out? I know it sounds trite, but taking up a hobby or joining a club might be a good way of broadening your social circle. It isn’t selfish to want some escape from the domestic drudgery.

Hello. This is my first post so I apologise if I am in the wrong place. I also apologise if from this point on I appear to be a selfish, heartless, whinging person. But at least this gives me an opportunity to write my honest feelings. They may not be right but they are real.
I am a 55 year old male. After 30 years of marriage I live with my mother and am managing her through ever declining health, whilst working.
She is just about mobile, but weak and housebound and has deteriorated in the last year having had 2 falls. We have carers 3 times daily and I get her up,put her to bed and spend all my free time with her. She sleeps most of the day in a reclining chair. If I go away there is always a problem, so now I don’t. My employers are understanding about my necessity for starting later. When help has been needed from the ambulance service, hospital, social services and district nurses they have all been absolutely marvellous. I have a brother locally who helps. I am therefore fortunate.
But it is all so frustrating. Mum doesn’t listen to advice to help her. When her mobility declined she wouldn’t listen (and doesn’t now) to advice to help her. She is absent minded now but I can’t help feeling that she has allowed, for want of a better word, herself to sit and not take an interest in anything. I get little response if I ask her anything and there is just an atmosphere nowadays. I cannot motivate her mentally and it is hard for her to stay awake. Hugely, hugely, hugely, selfishly I feel that my own life at 55 is coming to a halt. I am blessed with good health and love to dance and walk and run. I would like to be able to meet somebody and to treat them beautifully. It may be the odd meal or evening out, but I know this is not possible now. I dread returning home from work to be confronted by this tired shell of my once vivacious mother ( although never an easy person)
I hate the reality of the fact that what I really hope is that she will peacefully fall asleep.
I cannot blame the reader for being shocked at my heartlessness or for thinking that I am just sorry for myself. I just write this because I know they are my true feelings.
Thank you if you have read this far.

Pickle is right- try and block it out, don’t react/ respond- and protect yourself. Try to apply the Teflon to the shoulders. And do things you enjoy.

for breakfast. Yum!

I really feel now that something has to change. But what? My counsellor says that I can’t change my mother’s behaviour, but I can change my response to it, but that means living with the constant suicide threats, complaints and personal attacks. What to do?

Sorry to hear about all the struggles. It is so hard. With the carers, I always say until you get better, which helps. Not worth fighting.
and to everyone.

Mum said today that she can't wait for the carers to stop coming as she doesn't like having visitors everyday.
I tried to explain that they would probably be coming forever but she didn't really get it and I didn't have the heart to push it.

Another one who’d like to run away, although I won’t. We’re back to the suicide threats and horrible outbursts but (as always) obstinate refusal to speak to the GP or do anything else that might change her life for the better.

Bahhhhumbug I think you need to step back and let your husband and the other children take over. It doesn't sound fair on you.

Mum had a fall today with me and is back in hospital. I think she needs a care home. She has been out of hospital less than a week and just seems to yo-yo in and out.

I was on our local TV news prog tonight, to do with my charity. Visited DM beforehand, wearing the same outfit I had been filmed in, which she said was very nice. Email recieved post broadcast: she didnt see me - I watched the same prog she did and was highly visible. Clearly didnt recognise her own daughter!!!

Needmoresleep I've contemplated that too, although as Rockcliffe Hall & spa is just a few miles a way I thought I'd put it on DHs credit card and be damned! It's got close a few times recently.

I think if they are determined to do things no matter how unsuitable they are, if they have mental capacity- you have to let them. Yes it's frustrating but there are limits to what you can do and sometimes you'll reach them. DHs grandfather was like this, we stopped him driving because that could harm others but otherwise had to leave him to his less than wise decisions.

I ran away......literally.

DM was finally settled and her admin under control. We booked a big and last family holiday which turned out to be a disaster. DD had a serious accident and had to be helicopter evacuated, whilst DH ended up in intensive care. About three months later, rather than return home after visiting DM, and on the spur of the moment, I checked into a cheap hotel, read books, went for long walks along the beach, ate nice food and simply did what I wanted. After about five days DD phoned asking for me to come home, which I did. It was so nice not to be on call.

I've not had to do it again, though often make time to read or do nothing. I am lucky though as DC were late teens and are now at University.

I must be the first to consider the Riviera Hotel off-season as a sanctuary. I negotiated them down to £35per night!