Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

😉😉😉I’ve started anyone joining me?🍷

Teflon Teflon Teflon is my new mantra! I behaved very well today considering... however I came home with all her flowers "the staff dont like them" (?!|) plus some orange juice "oh no I cant drink that" and a prawn sandwich "that will go off by the time I want it". so result really!
oh and tell DB "dont phone me, the reception here is terrible" - everyone else's phone works so think it down to incompetence. Anyway phoned DB who said he had just strained his throat due to shouting down phone so he not too unhappy!! Friday night or whatever your fancy to all.

Oooh the Teflon took a battering today taking dm out..... “we’ve got the letter about when we’ve got to go to the hospital” “ok i’ll Check my diary’s” look of disbelief that I could possibly have anything more important or immovable to do than take her for a routine scan........
Kept nodding and smiling and when’s wine o’clock????
But it survived. More Teflon anyone??

Teflon! Brilliant!

I think I’ve gorgotten about Teflon recently. I must stock up!

Love it! Teflon, nod, smile.. and repeat..
We can do this. United we will survive ... won't we?!!

Hi all- so glad you had a fun time yolo! And use that memory of who you are to slap that Teflon on the shoulders before entering the house of parent. Nod and smile.
Under I think it was @needmoresleep who said that and I find it v useful too.
Thinking of you all.

Yolo , I find there are frequently times in conversations with my mum when I just have to focus on breathing in & out, which does help with keeping my distance from all the batshit nonsense!
It stops me from pulling her up on the constantly negative & judgemental comments, which wouldn't help anyone, even though it feels like I'm letting her get away with it.
I can't remember who said upthread about dealing with this stuff in a way that enables you to be the person you want to be rather than reacting to their behaviour (I've explained that really badly!).
They were wise words that have really helped.

Wishing everyone a drama free day!

Glad you had some time off Yolo, don't feel guilty ( who am I to talk !?!!!). Good luck with the super smiley visit today

good for you mini. and that sounds as if your brother might be coming round to things whatever.

I had a great night away - really good meeting then we got pissed, drove home (100 mles), took DD1 to work, did sainsbos, took DD2 to work, came home and just went really really flat. Needed a rest I think. Phoned DM at 4.45 - oh are you coming now? no mum, told you yesterday I couldnt get there today. did you have any physio? no (I think that unlikely). then she went off on on about hearing aid batteries running out - despite head nurse going to buy her some in the morning. yet despite the fact she could only hear about 3 words in 10 on the phone she can still hear someone breathing in the next room? is my salvation. I will be there tomorrow attempting to be friendly and kind.

The relationship threads often discuss FOG. It seems to me that FOG goes a long way towards explaining why some of us put up with what would otherwise be unacceptable behaviour from elderly parents - you can't [easily] dump a parent in the way that you'd dump a horrible boyfriend.

Well done Minmooch! Thanks for your post.
I never thought about FOG it sums it up completely. Really given me food for thought.

I have recently found that plucking up the courage to tell people that actually my mother and I are not very close has been quite a release. Actually no we don't all have lovely warm relationships with our parents. No I don't really know how she is because we are not in touch that often.. etc

On a brighter note as a strange development I had a text from my brother today. ( not sure how much I've said in previous posts.. he lives with DM and has lots of his own health and other issues and is my exact opposite). The dramas over the last few weeks have meant we have had to communicate a little and so I guess it's broken the ice a bit. This morning he simply text to say 'HRH is Home and don't I know it!' .

Good on you mini!

Well done Minmooch

Just popping in briefly to wave hello at everyone.

My father is currently in a mental health hospital after voluntary admission. He's being very jovial and calm to everyone (which makes me want to scream as he's a fucking nightmare to me and out of hospital).

He refused to acknowledge me when I went to visit him on Sunday with my brother. He introduced us as 'this is Xxxx, my son, and this is Minmooch'. Said with spite and bitterness. He knew what he was doing.

whatever after next weeks CPA meeting I am going to go non contact. If they let him out I don't feel able to live in my own house as I fear he will 'come and get me'.

I hate him. There we go, I said it. At 51 years of age I am saying it out loud. I hate him. He was not a nice father to me, bullied me and my mum, hateful to me during the last three years that I looked after him after my Mum died. After assaulting me last week. It was the spiteful dismissal in hospital that was the straw.

I've looked after him out of FOG Fear Obligation Guilt. NO MORE.

I am just getting my life back with some happiness after my son died. My father is not going to bring me down.

And breath .......

I can relate to your friend @thesandwich. I know I have said this many times before. Mother and Step-father died within 6 months of each other 2 years ago. I felt like I had been let out of prison. Even after their death, when the house phone rang, I would get a sick feeling In my stomach.

Any way, to prove there is life after all this, I now have a dog. I have waited 70 years for her. Children, Work, Grandchildren, then 10 years of elderly care meant there just was not time to devote to a dog. I love her to bits. Sending love to you all that are still going through this.

I think that's a good point Monica, about us putting up with so much because we have a sense of duty, but which in turn creates ambivalence.

I'm taking my mother back for a hospital check up today following her proceedure last week, a two hour journey each way. Last week she was raging on the train about commuters using the journey to look at their phones. Think she expected people to look kindly at her and agree, but being London luckily everyone just ignored her!

Oops. That doesn't read well. It was meant as an invitation, not an order!

Yeah, we got this.

As for what motivates me (and please call me Monica, as it's my alter ego name) I guess its a sense of duty and not wanting to be the sort of person who walks away from her elderly mother. But even that creates ambivalence, because (as I said earlier) I would walk away from anyone else who behaved towards me as she does.

Sending tea, gin, hugs and anything vaguely comforting to everyone. Wishing you strength for tomorrow 💪🏻. We got this, yes? 🙂

oaktree hugs etc are def allowed! people on this thread are just bloody lovely. wont be back now til Thurs as my phone so crap (and also will be getting pissed with my bestie tomorrow night after a meeting for our charity) so I wish everyone a good day tomorrow x