Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

Does, goodness, you really don't need this at the moment, do you? Can your partner square going nc with his dad by telling himself that he's got the next generation to look forward to now & going nc will mean he can focus on being a lovely dad instead of dealing with his dad's issues?
However it pans out, remember to look after you & your baby & enjoy your adventures together!

yolo, could you have a strategic 'tummy bug' that would mean you couldn't possibly visit for at least a couple of days... then you could still go & do the lovely plans with your DDs . We won't tell!!!

I remember my gp telling me very sternly but kindly that it was more important to focus on yourself & your own family (ie partner &/or kids) than to run yourself ragged for your parents. Harsh but true, I think, particularly when said parents are tricky to begin with...

that sounds awful does, I think you should (both) stay well away. This man won't change.

Best laid plans and all that... DB's car broke down 20 miles from their home, cant be fixed til Thurs, so that's this week out. They are hoping to come next Mon instead. It's awful but I am completely gutted! I had my heart set on 3 days off, both DDs are home for uni and have a rare day off that coincides for once, so we were going to have a guilt-free outing and then I could catch up on work/house/garden etc etc. I know it's only potentially delayed for a week, but SIL has cancer so they are living week to week, and I dread that they cant come... I love my SIL so dont want her to do anything that doesnt suit her, but oh god I need the break!!

Hello, everyone.

Doesthisnamelookgoodonme - that sounds very hard to deal with. You’re right to stay away, for your own well-being, but I can see how difficult it is for your partner. The reality, I think, is that if his dad hasn’t been much of a dad, he’s not likely to change now, especially if he’s become violent and unpredictable, but that sense of wanting your parent to be a parent never really goes away. Good luck with whatever your partner decides to do.

My partner has never had the best relationship with his Dad (74) he has constantly put him down about a number of things (weight/life choices) and we can go and visit and he will come away in tears. Bit of background, FIL is disabled, has a work accident 30yrs ago and has numerous health conditions meaning he isn't able to look after himself. He had a partner of 38yrs who suddenly became ill in March and died in April. She cared for him so that he was able to stay at home. Before she passed, we rallied round, caring for him, making his meals, doing his errands, and we spoke about getting a care package in place if he wanted to remain at home. Every time I attempted to make the call to adult social care he would tell me he wasn't up to it, basically he just wanted us to run round after him. 3 weeks ago I went to his house as pre arranged to make this call. I found that he had taken a massive insulin overdose in order to end his life. I called my partner and an ambulance, he refused treatment for a long time but then allowed it. He's been in hospital ever since.

He has had us running around after him, and I don't mean just normal errands, if we don't go to the hospital every day he will tell us how awful it made him feel. The reason we didn't go is because I am pregnant and we had a scan so couldn't go. We would be at the hospital at 9pm and he will make demands for certain things he wants picking up, we go home and go to bed, OH gets up at 5am goes to work and goes straight to the hospital after work and FIL will go mad because he hasn't brought what he's asked for.

Wednesday last week, OH had a stomach bug and wasn't able to go to hospital so I went on my own. When I got there he told me the staff were all lying to him. He had been moved onto a general medical ward for older people and he was going absolutely mad shouting that he didn't belong with the rest of the geriatric idiots. I tried explaining that it was just. General medical ward for older people but he wasn't having any of it. I said give me 2mins and went and spoke to the staff. The nurse told me that earlier that day he had tried escaping the ward (he isn't allowed to leave) he attacked a member of staff and had to be restrained, and he was found to have a Swiss Army knife and a screw driver in his possession. I returned to his bed and very delicately explained what the nurse had said and he shouted and screamed at me that I was a liar and he didn't trust me and that I needed to leave before he got very angry with me.

I called my partner as the situation needed him, he told my partner to fuck off and lifted his walking stick at him and told him he was going to do him some damage. We left and spoke to a nurse and then heard a commotion. FIL was being restrained by 8 members of staff and was shouting and screaming at them some horrific stuff. They had to sedate him and he now has a security guard with him 24hrs a day.

We haven't been up since. I personally don't want to and my partner won't let me, I'm stressed enough as it is and nearly 7 months pregnant. But he is torn as all he's ever wanted is a dad, but he is also thinking of cutting all ties. His minister has been to see him and he ha told him that all we want is his money, I have access to all his accounts and if I wanted his money I could easily take it. He offered to buy me a new car 10 tomes and I refused, and he offered us £9000 to get married before baby arrives and we said no. But he keeps repeating these vile lies to people.

I don't know where to turn, I'm happy to walk away but my partner is so sad about the way he's treating him :(

oaktree pain is no fun xxx

Hello espresso!

I agree with you entirely, yolo. I know it's a tricky subject & one which tends to polarise opinion, but having seen how my dad is suffering & how tired he is of having to grit his teeth (literally) with the pain because he's maxed out on all the possible painkillers he could have, I know how I would feel in the same situation.

Goodness I'm so glad I found this thread...

oaktree the hugest hug to you, that is so hard to deal with, but somehow you will. As long as your dad remains happy and comfortable is the best for him.xxxxx

I honestly believe that we should all be able to end our own lives, painlessly, with dignity, when we choose to do so - and if we've lost that choice through lack of cognisance, then our named loved ones should be in a position to discuss with that our medics. Jesus, if we didnt do that for an animal we could rightly be prosecuted!

Sorry all, this is such a difficutl discussion. Mum was really happy today that we could broach it - we've brushed round the subject before - but I really do think it is the beginning of the end for her. She's had a bloody amazing life, travelled the world, had opportunities most of us would kill for. Has 2 adult kids (me and DB), 6 grandchildren, 4 great grandies. Lost her husband (my dad) almost 22 years ago, 8 weeks before DD1 was born. Most of her dearest friends, the ones she shared her youth with are also dead - really, what is the point of hanging on?

That sounds really callous! But if all my friends were dead, and my kids, and their kids, were sorted and my body was falling apart and I wasnt ill but not much hope of actually being able to function again, I think I might well feel the same...

Place marking*

Hello all, have just found this thread but about to go to bed, so placement until I can introduce myself properly tomorrow.

Oh yolo that sounds like a tough conversation. Nothing insightful is occurring to me so I'm sending you a hug instead.

I popped in to see my dad today - he seemed his old self, all smiles and laughter and twinkles. He is such a lovely man, so I was feeling quite upbeat about how well he seemed, no rambling, no delusions, able to hold a conversation.

I mentioned this to one of the nurses (who is really kind & helpful) & she told me very gently that he'd had a very bad day yesterday & basically to just take each day as it comes.

I knew this...I did... but it just really brought it home to me that I'm never getting my dad back & we're just watching him fade away. It's so fucking shit ( sorry for swearing ) - it's just that I miss him, but then I think that's silly as he's still here and hasn't died. I don't know how to process this at all. I'm seeing a Parkinson's UK lady this week to talk it all through so hopefully that will help.

had a long convo with DM today. She doesnt want to die, but would be quite happy if she did. I had to explain some money stuff - basically if she reaches her 6 weeks NHS funded care and is judged unable to go home she will either have to discharge herself (and self fund for about 20 eeks) or allow herself to go into a home - unacceptable to her. So we discussed her stockpiling enough pills, and would I help her? I had to say that I would not got to jail for her....

🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫to whatever and yolo and everyone else going through it.

Thank you for your support. Hope everyone has had a better day today .

good on you whatever, yes you may need to repeat it, but you've started and that's the hardest part.

Had a shit day (too long and involved to go into) but light on the horizon for me - DB and SIL are coming on Monday-Weds from 200 miles away, will stay in mum's house to look after the cat, and best of all will visit her 3 days on the trot. My DB is amazing.

Well done whatever. But is suspect that will only be the first of many times you may need to say that, but it gets easier with repeating.

Whatever that message sounds spot on. You must protect yourself.
More Teflon sent your way.....

Thanks for kind advice. I'm really finding it hard to be firm without just going non contact. It's just on my mind all the time which is crazy when I have a full and happy life. I sent this message this morning:

I'm not going to get involved in any further conversations about what is in the past. What's done is done and there is no point continually going over it. Please don't message me about any of it again. If you need to talk it's more appropriate that you seek support from your friends.

I used to get calls from mum/her carers pretty much daily with messages like her meds haven't arrived or she's run out of bread. It was exhausting (I work full time, commute, have kids etc) and it meant I was putting time and energy into dealing with her errands that I wasn't putting in elsewhere in my life that needed it.

When I was at breaking point last autumn I booked a weekend away for me, DH and DCs and left a note for mum's carers to say that my phone would be turned off, so any contact needed to go to my DB. It was a huge relief and such a weight off. Oddly, since then, I've hardly had any calls from them. And when I do, I tend to do a version of I'm at work so what do you expect me to be able to do?

This has just come up in active conversations so I thought I’d pop over and say hello. I was on here a couple of years ago for a long time and it was hugely helpful.

So sorry to hear of all your struggles I remember my GP talking to me when my blood pressure had shot up and saying I needed to take a step back for my children’s sake. It was a bit of a turning point for me mentally as it felt as I had been given official permission to do so. Not great to get to the place where your health suffers from it though as it then gets to a state of self preservation.

Whatever you don’t have to put up with this and I bet this is the only situation where you take abuse like this. I don’t know all the details but you have options, though I suspect right now you’re too exhausted to feel you do. I’d consider texting her this morning and anyone else involved in her care and tell them that you are unwell and not to be disturbed for at least 48 hours and then turn your phone off, just to get an immediate break from it. You can then decide how to move forward.

Whatever, does she send horrid texts a lot? (Sorry still quite new on here so don't really know backgrounds).

Did you ignore/delete?

Have you got something nice planned for tonight? Maybe put your phone on silent - I use caller id on my landline to filter my mum's calls when I don't feel able to deal with them!

Made the mistake of letting my Teflon guard down and thinking I could relax and enjoy a Friday evening. Nope she has to get in there with another of her horrid text messages. Just don't know what to do this can't go on.

Oh yes! How about a + cocktail?