Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

Hi all- sounds like everyone is facing a tough time.yolo that sounds tough- can you make sure everyth8ng gets written down? You must feel so helpless. You will soon find out the most reliable staff.and she will be grumpy.
Long long.... can you get a friend to help you with the toughest stuff? Many charities offer house clearance help. Sending lots of 🍫🍫☕️☕️.
Pickle- how are you doing? 🌺🌺

Mum and dad now both in the dementia unit of the lovely nursing home. Bloody heart breaking but we’d exhausted home support. I originally found this nursing home 2 years ago and we hung in all this time,

I’ve started on selling their house to pay for the care home. Had valuations today.

Grateful for any tips about house clearance. They were tidy and minimalist but it’s emotional stuff

Had a really long day today, left home at 7.30, got home at 6.30, drove about 260 miles (including long diversion to see DM in care home). She says they have 'lost' her prescription and therefore she couldnt have any painkillers last night (cocodamol) so they gave her something different. Went to talk to one of the nurses: they had lost her scrip so gave her something else last night with her consent, assuming it was just paracetamol rather thn cocodamol. However the nurse assured me she had had cocod at 8am, 12 noon and 4pm today and would get another dose tonight. It's so difficult, the staff are really lovely but none of them have english as a first language, and I dont really know whether DM is confused (easily possible, she has for ex lost all track of time), in pain, or what? Plus she is very deaf and scared, she says things like "I shared the chocs visitors brought so that the staff like me". And she gets pissed off when she tells me stuff like this and I go off to find someone to sort it - which is their job after all?!

DB and SIL planning to come next Tues-Sat, but SIL has oncology appt on Tues and I cant tell DM they are coming til I know result of that - she could well be referred for immediate chemo. Plus I cant visit on Mon due to work commitments.

Gah. etc to all of us...

We've spoken to the minister tonight and he just keeps going on saying well someone needs to deal with his money and make sure he has money so we have yet again reiterated that we are not going to do that. And that he has absolutely no need to have access to any money. Just going round in circles. The minister is a people pleaser, and we'd rather he just didn't bother because he's just trying to rail road us which isn't going to happen

does then if an old bugger you and DH need to protect you and yours first off. I feel for you xx

@yolofish no dementia, just a grumpy pessimistic bugger

@picklemepopcorn no he meant he wasn't aware that we were going to give his belongings back, which is a blatant lie because it was his suggestion.

OH has come home from work and fallen asleep, it's all taking it's toll on him. He's such a good person but he wants to do right by everyone, most times to the detriment of himself :(

oh does that sounds awful. I guess the minister was trying to do the right thing... cant remember, does FIL have dementia or is he just an old git?

pickle elevenerife!!

DM has a lady who visits her for a chat once a week, via charity. 'Ann' is very boring but very kind, and has offered to visit DM in the home, 40 mins drive away. DM is horrified at the prospect... I have not yet told her that my PIL also plan to visit as she will explode and I really cant say to PIL please dont visit my mum hates you!!

I have told her that she might like to see Ann, as she is complaining of boredom already so a new face would be a change and I will ask Ann to only stay a short time. Think I will just not have the PIL convo and let them turn up?? what does anyone else think?

meanwhile I now have lots of my charity work coming up, suddenly, so wont be able to visit Sat or Mon. this is good from pov, but she was expecting me on Sat, and cant hear me when I call on the mobile. Think I will have to give a message to the staff and hope she gets it.

We went to see FIL last night.

He has said to numerous people “they have got my bank cards and car” his car he asked me to drive so that it keeps it running and it’s safe with us and he gave us his post office card to draw his pension for the things he was asking us to buy for him. We spoke to his Minister who he’s close to and he made the suggestion that we put everything in an envelope, take it to the hospital and seal it in front of him and FIL and we will all sign it to say we’ve handed it all over as we decided we didn’t want to be in a position where we could be accused of anything.

So we went to the hospital, FIL acted as if last week didn’t ever happen. Demanded shopping picking up for him, handed me a letter and told me I’d need to cancel his appointment, and handed us a water bill and told us we would need to get it paid. We were pleasant and civil. OH handed FIL the envelope and explained that his cards/keys were in there and we very nicely explained that we just didn’t want to leave ourselves in that sort of position. FIL immediately got angry and had to e told to calm down by the Minister. The Minister then said I’m sorry I had no idea this was going to happen (it was his suggestion) but we decided not to say that in front of FIL because it would have caused chaos. FIL said he felt hurt and abandoned, we said we certainly aren’t abandoning you, but things have changed and we just don’t want to be put in a position where we can be made to feel the way we have. Minister tried convincing us to keep hold of FIL cards and money and carry on drawing money for him but we said we had made our decision and that was final and that it didn’t mean we wouldn’t be going to the hospital but it meant we wouldn’t be going every day as we had been. He was very rude to OH and we nearly left twice. He denied he mentioned the cards and car, we told him he had mentioned them on 4 separate occasions, he said he doesn’t remember so we are wrong. The only time he mentioned what happened last week was when he said well this is just sour grapes because of what happened last week.

We’ve come away yet again feeling shit. We feel like we were thrown under the bus by the Minister. I want to walk away but I know it’s not that easy for OH.

pickle, that does take a lot of teeth-gritting to deal with, doesn't it? Here's some as emergency supplies!

DH & I have started saying "Well, when I ..." to outdo each other for total non-events, which does at least make us laugh (although I hope the kids don't do it in front of my mum...might be a bit obvious! )

Everyone on here is so lovely and it’s a big release to be actually able to say it how it is without the judging of rl. Hope all is well with you guys too.

Oak, thinking of you today- anD that coffee is compulsory!
Pickle- sending extra supplies to help you get through the week

Just checking in to say hi - hope everyone's ok .

I'm visiting Dad today & have sent an email to his consultant outlining the deterioration in his condition - I'm slightly dreading what he (the consultant) thinks, as I fear there's nothing more to be done.

Also wondering how Dad will be today - sometimes he's ok (ish), but recently more & more in his own world, quite happy but not really with us. Think I will treat myself to a coffee afterwards.

I did talk to a Parkinsons UK support lady the other day, which was enormously helpful but I wish I could have recorded it as I can't remember everything she said!!!!

I did also just want to say how much I appreciate being able to post on here - it feels like a lovely safe place with some wonderful people, so thankyou all x

User I think your feelings echo what so many of us are struggling with. I don't know how to cope with any of the emotions that this awful time is making me feel. Right now I can't think of a very helpful reply but just to reassure you that you are not on your own.

user, nothing helpful to say just yet... but I do hear what you say about 'Mum' relationships - a lot of your feelings about your Mum really resonated with me and as soon as I can marshall my thoughts into a coherent comment, I will do!

In the meantime for you & everyone who's in the same boat.

DM is wheelchair bound and in a residential Home following a stroke then several falls a few years ago. She lives to go out and will only do so with myself or my siblings, refuses to go anywhere with care Home staff. She told me today that she doesn’t want us to visit and only wants to see us if we are taking her out to eat, she doesn’t really want to see us we are a means to an end. She has enormous difficulties with speech, is extremely deaf and has undoubtedly suffered cognitive impairment but even so it’s hard to hear. I am middle aged now and have never had a ‘mum’ relationship with her but find myself looking at friends on FB posting lovely things about their mums and find myself really envying then. I would love to have a Mum to whom me and my happiness/life are still important not just when I’m taking her out again. I will be sad at a life wasted when she goes but I won’t miss her at all, how very sad is that. My biggest fear is that she will stay alive and I’ll be dealing with this into my sixties and beyond .
I take her out for a couple of hours a week if I can arrange suitable transport but think about her quite a lot and am aware her life is pretty rubbish. She would like to go out much more but it’s just not possible. I offer to take her out for walks etc but that’s not what she wants. Just wish I felt less guilty about it all. In my head I know damn well if our position were reversed I’d be lucky to see her but i still feel bad.
Any advice on dealing with the guilt of basically having a better life?

Extra and a 😇😇pickle!

Well done whatever. The right thing to do.

Oak tree A hug for you. I was at an event yesterday where they did a photo montage of all the Dads in the room it was set to music and was such a beautiful thing to appreciate all these amazing men in our lives but it just hit home that my Dad is not part of it anymore. All the Dads were smiling and happy while my poor Dad now sits alone in a care home with only my brief visits. He's still with us but not the man I knew.
Yolo I truly agree that on this occasion you need to put time with your children first. At this age the chance to share a few precious hours with them is so special. It will help you to recharge and be stronger in the long run.
After much consideration I have tonight messaged DM to say that I'm breaking contact for a while. I've blocked her number now. It feels so strange but I truly think it's that or I'll end up needing to see a Dr. Amazingly I messaged DB and he actually sent back an understanding reply. Can't believe it ( hope I can trust him). So to concentrate on Dad now.

Oh does this your situation sounds really tough. Can you and dh just get out fir a walk/ coffe/ drink and try and sort out a plan?
Yolo I could cry for you and I second th3 tummy bug. I know how precious time is with students home from uni. Goes soooo fast. Put yourself first.🌺🌺🌺🌺🍫🍫🍷🍷

FIL has actually been telling people that he resents the baby because he is going to take up our time and we can't concentrate on him then. He told us once he is home he will need us more than he does now in hospital, OH said we will have a newborn baby who is our priority and FIL was pretty disgusted with that.

We also live with OH step dad, well he lives with us, he is being horrific, he does nothing and now is being rude to us. If we could afford to live in this house on our own we would.

And to top it all off, half an hour ago I found out one of my contracts is moving premises and not carrying on the contract which means I've lost £700 a month. I only have £400 a month left after bills.

This is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and all me and OH have done is cry all day, I just want to run away and not come back