Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

Oh whatever, a handhold from me and whatever help I can give. I am so sorry. You did your very best but had to protect yourself too.
🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺.

oh whatever. That is a tough tough thing. I am pretty sure you did your absolute best though in very hard circumstances. What would help you now? big handhold from here at the very least.

DM says she would prefer to be dead, her life has no point. I can totally understand where she is coming from, its just that I would rather not be instrumental in causing it.

Don't know what to say. You may know that I messaged my DM a few weeks ago to say I needed a break from contact as I have been struggling to cope with the bitter messages that she was sending me. I had a call from my brother this morning to say that she has died. No idea how I go on from this.

Oh yolo I am so sorry- how horrible for you. Your dm must be feeling really out of control and scared. That is so, so hard and i’m sorry I have no answers. Private gp sounds perfect..... but I do wonder is there any way for her to be in more control?
Big hug for you. You are doing all you can.

So sorry, this might be long and rambly...

Not taking the temazepam in did not go down well. I am cruel, lazy and selfish. DB and I are cut out of her will - as we both agreed that I couldnt poss take in extra meds. She was responsible for me all her life till I married at 31 (wtf?! was proud at that stage I didnt mention DB boarded from 8 and I did from 10) and now I dont want to be responsible for her taking extra meds which could cause her to fall/hit her head/break another bone/get pneumonia/die with resulting investigation into hospital and of course me so I am a selfish bitch.

She is very disappointed in me. So we had a strained 25 min visit, then I went to see the head nurse who was of course horrified at the prospect. In the care home, she gets a temazepam at bedtime. At home, she'd have that and then another one or two if she woke and couldnt get back to sleep (which is prob why she keeps fucking falling over).

Bascially she wants out; she could pay for perhaps 20 weeks full time care at home (minus physio). But because she is still non-weight bearing on her arm they would not want to let her go.

So if she discharged herself, and I did manage to arrange care at home, I guess the NHS will not be that bothered - as she has a perfectly reasonable offer of safe residential care, even if she doesnt like it.

Current situation is I am trying to get a private gp in to see her; dont know if it will make any difference but perhaps he can talk some sense into her - she knows him well for previous arthritis care.

She keeps going on about how noisy it is in the home - she's fucking stone deaf, having a convo is almost impossible in the daytime, yet at night she is kept awake by someone snoring across the corridor, and panicking that if the fire alarm went off how would she get out of bed?

I know she's old and scared, but I also think she is poss detoxing from the amoutn of painkillers she has taken for years, and I dont know how to deal with that/who to talk to.

This sounds really horrible, but she is not very brave. She has 'had' to take a sleeping pill every night since my nephew died of cot death 31 years ago; my DB and SIL dont do that, and they were the child's parents ffs.

aargh, if you've got this far just thanks for listening xx

So glad you had a good time yolo- and sorry about your dm. It’s so hard isn’t it.
🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫

it gets worse. frantic phone call, can I bring in some of her secret stash of temazepam as she 'only' gets one a night. having spoken to DB, DH and DFriend the answer will be no. DB's rather brilliant solution: get her private GP to visit, if he is happy to prescribe then that's up to him. I will NOT be involved in this. grrrr. etc to all, except for me as I have to pick DD1 up from work at some ridiculous hour tonight.

checking in, slightly hungover after fab party last night. DH and I stopped in to see DM on our way home. She was not good, ortho consultant says bones not healing and she needs another 6 weeks in the care home (after being there 3) and then he will see her again but with no guarantee of discharge then.

Obvs she is very depressed, wants to come home and for me to find her carers and a daily physio to visit. Discussed with DB, she would not be safe without someone there 24/7, and likelihood of a physio visitng 5 days a week - what she currently gets - are about zero.

Think we are going to have to tell her to suck it up for the moment, which is not something I am looking forward to doing. Considering asking the home if I could bring her cat in to see her?! Not sure if it will be allowed, but she would love it (not so sure about the cat tho)

Thanks, nota, it does help to know that other people have similar experiences.

for anyone who needs it!

Under if it helps, my DM went through a period last summer of being obsessed with my then 16 year old DS's sex life (and we most certainly do not have the sort of family where that is an appropriate topic of conversation). To make matters worse, the way she raised it was by asking if he had been initiated into the wicked ways of women. I kept DS away from her for a while, and then when I did take him to see her did a half arsed job of preparing him in case nana said something 'odd' to him. Luckily as a self absorbed teen, he didn't really get what she was on about, and I changed the subject.

I think it was down to the hospital deciding to put her on anti-depressants, as it generally made her quite manic like that.

Thankyou, sandwich. I'm not altogether sure if my mum is aware of this, as I can well imagine that she won't want to discuss it -understandably - so I think I'll have to just file it away in my head!

Under, it is so very hard..... in some ways with the relative who was the most prim and proper person, all the family could do was try and accept the new reality of the illness, and try and deal with it..... making sure more checks were in place etc.... and also take time to grieve for the person who is vanishing...... finding it funny is one way to cope. 🌺🌺and 🍷🍷for all.

sandwich, I really don't know whether to laugh or cry! He's the absolute last person to do that sort of thing, & is a real indication of how much he's deteriorated, but because it's so unlike him, part of me is finding it quite funny!

I think it is quite common sadly.... staff will have seen it before.Elderly relative was found in the bedroom of another resident in a compromising position.......

Does anyone have any experience of disinhibited behaviour as a result of dementia? Apparently my dad has started propositioning the staff at the care home, albeit in a very gentlemanly manner!

Hi all, just checking in. and to you all x

You’re on need!!
Yes- wise words. This is a marathon not a sprint..

Needmore, wise words! Thankyou

Then you owe me lunch...

DM was ineligible for a POA refund by a month.

Sandwich is right though. Unless you are in the throes of a genuine crisis you need to maintain your, and your family's, emotional
and physical reserves. Park the guilt, have some time off, and come back refreshed, and perhaps with some useful perspective on where you are and how things might be improved.

Yes you must all go on your holidays. Strict instructions.
And 🌺🌺to needmoresleep as I have just got a £90 refund on mums power of attourney!!www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney-refund
5 minute job on line!

" she went on about how nobody had been to see her while I was away, she had no food etc. "

Love it!

I am now a decade into this caring for an elderly parent with dementia lark, with possibly another decade to go. The standard greeting when I arrive, after a three hour journey, is "oh its you!".

My problem is that I have also been landed with managing my mother's property, which is a real pain. But it does mean I have other reasons to make trips down there so can call in. Plus we have deliberately decided to recentre our lives so we have nice things to do which make for a pleasant weekend away. And a beach hut so I can take a break between chores.

I have also managed to structure things (sheltered housing, a directly employed carer, an address book of people who would stand in an emergency) so I am not the first port of call in an emergency.

After a decade things are pretty stable, so much better than they were mid-crisis. I no longer hear my mother's moans so she has largely stopped, and actually she seems surprisingly happy. My next task is to get Court of Protection permission to sell her property, which will remove a huge admin and stress burden. And now the kids at University, it will be easier to spend more weekends down there.

I am not sure if it is Teflon, or that I could not keep up the level of stress and commitment or rise to the emotional blackmail. Its not good really as I now have no particular wish to see my mother, nor her me. I do so out of duty and a need to monitor that the care is being delivered smoothly. I should take her out more etc, but I find it difficult to motivate myself for someone who won't show gratitude. At least she seems to have lost the capacity to hurt me.

Nota - I'm in much the same situation. I'm determined to go on holiday (I can't ask my family to miss out) but I know there will be a lot of hints and grumbles about her not being able to get to the shops while I'm away. There are options, but she rejects them all.

oh nota just go on your holiday, please just go. DH missed my niece's wedding because DM had had a fall and we didnt think we could leave her. (more importanltly, actually, the dog had been ill!) but it's important to go and DO stuff xx

I'm going on holiday soon. Visited mum last weekend and reminded her, wrote it on the calendar, etc. Went again to see her mid week and she went on about how nobody had been to see her while I was away, she had no food etc. Had to remind her I hadn't actually been away yet, and had seen her a couple of days before. She then said she is planning on going out and just needs the bus fair (she's been house bound for the last year).

God knows what she will be like when I actually go on holiday.

oh, and she said "dont you want to know what they say at the hospital on Thurs?" well yes mum, but I can phone you... even though you dont think the mobile phone works and its like talking to Shackleton in the Arctic or something...