Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

whatever that all sounds really hard, but also that you may have some allies to help you get through the complications? I hope so.

DM still in care home but giving out contrary msgs. spoke to private GP and home GP yest, they both say she is in best possible place. she told DB she was resigned to staying there, but told me she would love to come home. I know she is really unhappy. Meeting with care agency lady tomorrow to discuss 24 hour live in care for 3-4 weeks (which is bare minimum til she sees specialist again). I veer between: stay where you are, it's free, its not that bad even if very boring and come home, obey ALL orders about sitting down all day and be happy in your own home with your own dear cat etc. I really dont know....

@whatever45 I was. Whipping boy for my mother and stepfather all my life. I was the only one who stuck by them even though their were plenty who criticised me for not doing enough. I too found out eventually that I could do no more. It takes a while to sink in that they are both gone . I know that they, like your mother, had a much better life because someone did the things for them that no-one else was prepared to.

You have been so strong up to now, please hold your head up high and take care of yourself for a change,

Whatever good to hear that you were able to talk to your m’s friend and found that positive. People will have got her measure.
Wise advice from needmoresleep and good advice to leave the money stuff to the experts and pay them for it. Detach and protect yourself.

Good point needmore . DB has health issues of his own although quite how severe they are is debatable. He has been living in the family home with our parents for a very long time. He has no income of his own and no dependents. Can't remember when/if he's ever held down a job. He apparently told her ( struggling to use the word Mum at the mo) that he would need a minimum of £325 k for what he 'needs' in terms of housing!! He also pointed out to me that he needs to sell her little fiat panda because what he will be getting is v expensive!! Umm hmm hate to point out it's her car so technically it's not your money any how!!!!
Fortunately there is a financial advisor and executor ( not sure of spelling) who I think are very astute. We are meeting with them tomorrow. She has said many times that her concern was DB and the grandchildren ( my children). Her logic was that if it goes to DB it will come to me in the end cos he hasn't got dependents. Interesting logic eh? Oh and minor point that he seems to have forgotten that our Dad is still alive and in a home!!!
I honestly don't care. I put it to rest a long time ago. Any money would be bitter and I need to be free from that. Just want it all sorted.

Whatever. Lots of experience on this board of unsupportive/selfish siblings. Six years ago I was very close to going under and received only criticism from some unwilling to help at all.

I decided I could not afford to waste any emotional energy on him. I barely had enough to meet the needs of my mother and my family. DB is religious, so what he does and how he behaves is up to him and his maker. What I do is what I think is right as a flawed human wanting to contribute to family and society.

Look after yourself. Park the rest. (I assume you may feel rightly angry that he did not warn you that your mother was dying.)

But do keep an eye on the money. The old, where there is a Will, there is a relative, holds true. It is amazing how people can behave.

Morning all just checking in to let you know I'm around. Not sure what to say. Had so many lovely messages and conversations that have all underlined what you've been saying. In particular I decided to bite the bullet and call her closest friend ( who I thought had very low opinion of me) but actually she had a good measure of Mum and why she behaved like she did ( issues from her childhood etc) She seemed to understand my feelings of never being enough and surprisingly agreed that Mum was never happy with anything.She also said some very comforting things about the last few weeks and how Mum had understood the pressure I was under.
I'd planned to go to work today but spent the night laying awake dreading it. Just sitting here trying to think what to do about that. Might just pop in as psychologically need to step through the door.
Now need Teflon recoating to deal with DB. He's now in their large house acting like he's one the lottery. When I visited on Monday ( day after she died) he was installed in her recliner chair smoking like a trooper ( she was very against smoking). Gonna be tough going. Also issue of her dog that he wants rid of ASAP.

Thanks under i’ll Have a bit of everything!
whatever thinking of you.. hope you have lots of support. Hope everyone else is doing ok.... Teflon at risk of melting during this heat....
sending good wishes to everyone.

Hope everyone is bearing up. ( &!)

Whatever - I can’t add to the wise words here already. That was the right decision at the time and you did your utmost.

what helpful said. we cant win, all we can do is protect ourselves as best we can

Someone said to me and I found it very helpful - 'nothing you do will be right - it will always be the least bad of the available options' It is very hard but don't expect too much of yourself.

@whatever45 - had things worked out a little differently you would have been able to come back the situation refreshed and ready to deal with it better. Just because of what happened it doesn't mean your decision to take a break was wrong.

being able to be open and blunt is really really helpful, and I thank you all too.

currently waiting for a callback from DM's private gp, who on the strength of a phone convo with her, has said she can go home if care is 'impregnable'. I need to know what this means, and who would be responsible in the event of another fall - as once at home she will no doubt self-medicate again. live-in care at home costs a minimum £1k per week, I asked what would happen when her money runs out and she said 'oh well I'll die'. that's fine but a bit of tricky sitch for everyone else - not sure an OD is that reliable, who will find her, what will happen to her cat etc etc etc. sigh.

Oh whatever, I am so sorry. The support is here whenever you need it. I am so sorry you had to tell your dad- and no doubt it will hurt every time you have to tell him again as he probably won’t remember.
And vent away here..... there are folk here who understand.

Can't thank you all enough for your support. I'm avoiding contact with friends etc at the mo cos just can't handle the whole thing. To be able to come here and be quite open and blunt about how I'm feeling means so much. Even last night when I felt so alone. I'm sorry I haven't often had many wise words to help others but I care very much.
I visited my Dad and told him this morning. With the dementia it's so hard to know what he can take in. He looks so very sad and lost. I truly now wish that he could also be released from all this.

Whatever, right at the start of the process my GP cousin explained I would need to make difficult decisions. Whether these were the right decisions, only time would tell. I could only do my best.

Condolences for your mother. But guilt is not a productive emotion. Look back on the better times and on the contribution you have made over the past few years. You made a decision, based on a need to protect yourself, that you now regret. But it was a decision youneeded to make at the time.

Yolo this needs to be discussed with a doctor, perhaps the private one. My understanding is that rapid withdrawal can be dangerous. Might he also prescribe a mix of real pills and placebos. She then gets her tablets and is less panicked/hard on you

@whatever45

You did what you did as a result of what you knew then, not now. Don't beat yourself up over a decision you made for the best at the time. That was THE best decision then.

Sending peace and love your way.

oh sweetheart... I dont know how you're going to do that, but you WILL find a way, and it will be OK (or at least as ok as it can possibly be) x

Can't sleep. Tomorrow I have to go and tell my Dad that she has gone. I have no idea what he will understand or how I'm going to tell him. X

whatever you must be absolutely torn apart, just sending you virtual love to carry you through the next days/weeks/months. But you did your best, which is all any of us can do. It's so hard.

whatever, I think yolo & sandwich have said it so well. Please don't judge yourself harshly.

I’m so sorry whatever. Please be kind to yourself🌺🌺🌺

Thanks yolo and sandwich. I know the decision I took was not made easily. Just can't believe it has ended like this. Please God let us all make sure that our children never ever have to deal with the situations , or are made to feel like we are all feeling right now.

putting yourself, and your own family first is NOT being selfish. It is about protecting the future... This is the point where you say to yourself: I did the best I could, in the circumstances. Those circumstances are not always in your control, you are being torn apart n all different directions and at some point something has to give - the fact that it was not you is to your credit. Like sandwich says, be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for everything you did xxx

Reading back over this thread you have done so much. Please be kind to yourself. 🌺🌺🌺🌺

But I didn't did I? I put myself first.