Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

thank you. it is kind of like a slow sneaking process... the more confused she gets the harder it is to work out what to do. will kick ass on phone tomorrow about bedsores, and hope to hear back from consultant on Monday. Tbh if she came home and died within a few weeks she'd be happy, and we would be happy for her.

Yolo so sorry to hear this. That sounds awful and must be so upsetting for you all. Hope you are able to speak to someone tomorrow. Hugs x

Yolo, that sounds awful- I am so sorry. Your dB is the expert but something doesn’t sound right.
Sending you hugs, Teflon and gin.

she now has bedsores, and is getting more and more confused. DB is horrified at bedsores (former nurse before he went into mental health) and says I need to phone and kick ass tomorrow. have also tracked down her trauma consultant where he works privately, and asked if he would consider discharging her to 24 hour care at home. She is constantly talking about suicide, cant remember stuff from one minute to the next, flips from friendly to raging etc etc. If she can get discharged then she could pay for her care for a good 10 weeks or so. after that, who knows, but I suspect she would kill herself if she could find enough drugs. Oh, and she phoned her cleaner to ask her to bring in some laxatives but not tell me. didnt discuss it with her, but surely in a care home laxatives are kind of on tap?

yes whatever - they may still love the person, but they clearly see what is happening... wine also kicking in here, tomorrow is another day as Scarlett O'Hara may once have said?!

Yolo this is the issue here. Because children ( 13, 15, 18) could see the hurt that she caused they are now almost unsure how they should react to her death. The wine just starting to kick in now. Hope everyone has a relaxing evening x

thank you sandwich and whatever much appreciated, toasts all round. DDs (aged 21 and 19!) say they will be much sadder if Ddog pops his clogs than if grandma does... and unfortunately I feel the same. more all round!

Yolo just a big huge Friday night hug and wine. We got to Friday and now we all need a little time off from thinking, worrying and tears.

Oh yolo I am so sorry. Sounds like a royally crap day. So sorry you have to deal with all this. 🍷🍷🍻🍻🌺🌺.
I’m so sorry about the dog too. Rant here if it helps.x

Bad visit today. I explained that no care agency would touch her if she discharged herself because insurance would be void. Also that even the journey home (cross-country, masses of potholes even at 30mph) would be incredibly painful, and once there she wouldnt be able to go up the steps into her house. She says she is going mad, having panic attacks, and 'I cant even kill myself because the knives are too blunt'. She doesnt want to die in the home, cant believe that 2 docs have told me it is the best possible place for her. Plus loads more which you really dont want to hear as you will have heard it all before... DH is really cross with her for dumping on me but I cant say that because 'as my daughter you are the only one I can talk to'. Oh and all the staff hate her...

Long chat with DB, there is nothing we can safely do apart from tell her she has to suck it up and stay where she is. That's tomorrow's little gem for me to deliver.

To cap it all, Ddog has significant anaemia, there's a slow puncture on the car, and there's too much month at the end of the money!!! wine, and a toast to all you who also suffer.

Yolo, two things that I found helped.

1. your mother may have the capacity to make decisions, but does she have the capacity to make "informed" decisions. I think it is reasonable to discount her wishes by the level of dementia or denial, and by the closing in of her day to day experience which might have left her, toddler-like, as the centre of her Universe, unable to appreciate the demands she is putting on others.

1. I use my late father as my guide. What would he be happy with. He would see my mother disabled by her dementia, and me struggling to do the right thing for her and for my family. If I felt I could explain/justify my decision to him, and that he would be content, it made it easier to face up to my mother. We are at a period of calm now, but it used to mean violent rage. Much easier when I felt my dad was on my side.

Medals all round!

We all deserve huge medals for getting through another day! Go us!

And from me whatever!🥇🏆🏆🏆🎖

oh ffs whatever please have a medal (at least) from me. wine, gin, flowers, cake, chocolate, have it all xx

That sounds great yolo, lots of positivity around today.. however if I tell you about my day so far you won't believe it! 9am meeting to go through her will, DB has been given 75% in a trust fund to ensure he's sorted for life. Then on to meet with her friend to go through wishes for funeral. Then get a call from Dad's Home to say called paramedics as think he's had another TIA. While I'm there the coroner calls to update me on official cause of her death. Decided not to move Dad to hospital and he seemed ok ( had to get permission from DB who never visits as he now has power of attorney ). Home to cook dinner for our foreign students and now on way to watch School awards ceremony. I can do this?!? I don't want a medal, but really?? Surely can't have much more thrown at me!!

picklemepopcorn how are you doing?

yes sandwich she is amenable to idea of wheelchair, but it has to be comfortable, and it also has to fold easily, and of course it must not be too expensive (she doesnt care about the folding bit, but if anyone is to take her out in the car then of course it has to fold easily - and if it is me doing the folding/lifting then it also has to be not too heavy). plus my cavalry coming again, DB and SIL coming for 5 days next week. would be so much harder without having them around.

Yolo, it is useful that someone has taken the decision out of your hands and I know it will be tough but you can say that going home isn’t an option because the professionals say so.
Amazon also do wheelchairs but you need to see some!

jelly yay for goodish news.

The lady from the care agency we use for mum came to see me today - she is wonderful. She basically said that no carers worth their salt would take mum on at the mo, she has to stay where she is until the meds say she is safe to go home. Even then I will put in 24 hour care for at least a couple of weeks - not possible to go from 24 hour suprvision to a couple of visits (or more) a day. She will have to pay for it, and she will have to suck up the next 4-5 weeks being bored. I will use the time to get ramps fitted to her front and back doors, and organise a wheelchair. Think I will buy one, Red Cross only lend for 6 weeks. There's a good mobility place in local town which might have a 2nd hand one, or offer to buy back a used one, and they can prob do ramps as well. I am very relieved but tomorrow's convo should be fun!"!

Jelly , how lovely. As you say, cherish that.
Whatever ,hope you are looking after yourself.yolo, hope things are as good as they can be,and that you can find a way forward. Trust your instinct.

We're home from my mother's neurology appt.

I don't get many positive days regarding my mother's health and while today hasn't outwardly solved much we are both so relieved that her consultant didn't just turn us away and has even put things in motion for future treatment.

So happy and relived that we now have someone to help us, my mother wanted to give me a kiss and a hug when I left her earlier, this has never happened in my life, she doesn't do hugs and not even kisses in writing cards etc. We were both teary as I am now typing this.

Posting cos this is a good day, there haven't been many and I want to be able to look back and remember this.

whatever, I hope you're able to find some glimpses of peace & are looking after yourself.

yolo, for what it's worth, I don't think there's ever a "right" answer in these situations, which makes taking a definitive decision both easier & harder. What is your gut feeling?

Sending everyone lots of strength!

Yolo that decision has to be one of the toughest in all this. I think at the end of the day it's about her being as happy as is possible but her safety has to be the priority. Obviously my situation with DM was very different. She was absolutely determined to be at home with no concept or concern of the impact that might have on those around her. Fortunately we were spared the final battle when this would no longer have been manageable. For me it was the duty of care for her safety that had to over ride emotional decisions based on her wishes. All so hard to weigh up. Hopefully when you meet with the agency today you will have a gut feeling.