Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

I’m on a roll...

10. It is easier to take over paperwork early than have to clear chaos. Especially if she might be vulnerable to cold-callers/fraudsters. If she will agree, and even if you don’t have POA, get her to sign a mail redirect, and third party access to her account. Then all utilities on DD, and banking via an app. Send junk mail back as ‘unknown’. DM did have a habit of giving out bank details to cold callers, so she just has a small linked savings account which does allow her (helped by her carer and which I can top up in an emergency) to use cash points, but not overdrafts or DDs.

11. Take the POA document into banks/tax office/etc. They copy it on the spot so no need to get it certified or send off the original. Keep your mums passport up to date. No two banks have the same processes so make an appointment, bring in photoID and proof of address for you and your parent, and never expect to get it sorted in a single visit.

12. If I need to get my mother to agree to something, even something basic like getting up for an early GP appointment, I manage her mood. Perhaps arriving with a small gift (Bourbon biscuits go down well). When I needed her to make a financial decision in the early days of POA when I preferred to have her sign some cheques, I would first write out the ‘context’, essentially a list of her assets and income. Then take her somewhere nice and neutral. What did people do before garden centre cafes! She was a lot more realistic/generous once she had been reassured that she was not facing imminent impoverishment. (A fear I assume is a generational thing and not unique to her.)

13. My daughter has a pile of postcards and stamps so she can send her grandmother cards from University. These then go on the mantle piece reassuring her that she is not forgotten. Flowers, with the card still attached, also work. (Though she will still claim that ‘no one ever visits’)

whatever if you need to cry, you need to cry. and also to laugh, and chill and enjoy your own famil xx

time that sounds like a positive move, if DH is realising she needs more help than he can possibly give. maybe you can gently say to him that this is a bloody long game, and he needs to reserve his energy so that he can continue to support her? other people can do the day to day stuff, he can then do the son stuff. (found with my DM that as soon as I got a daily carer in to do the phsyical stuff I could do the social stuff, rather than going in for an hour and being run ragged I could actually sit down and chat for a bit).

Now I'm really welling up. Thank you all so much 😊

Fantastic post @needmoresleep.

It seems we will blunder on. DH has now discovered that MIL cannot manage her medication in blister packs, which are new to her, because she cannot read and understand the instructions, so it looks, finally, as if a care package is on the horizon. The realisation that without a care package he is going to have to drive across town twice a day in rush hour traffic and lose even more work time in the process, seems to have concentrated his mind.

I cannot believe how fast she is deteriorating. She was reading Trollope last October. Now she has no comprehension.

Give yourself time. Six months at least. One day at a time.

No need to think. Just rest, eat well, and enjoy the company of your family. Yes it might all be there when you come back, but even more reason to take a break and relax. Things will work out, and there will come a point when you can remember the good times.

Whatever, sounds like a great plan to go. Completely understand your reluctance, and fears but you need this so much.be really kind to yourself, and we are here if you need us.

Sounds like a very wise idea under really hope you are able to rest and regroup as you so deserve it.
I've had a strange week of meetings and making arrangements for her funeral. Also visiting Dad who just seems to have given up now. DB continues to be very difficult and we no longer contact each other directly.
We are now heading off for our long awaited family holiday. I have very mixed emotions about it. Everyone has advised us to go ahead and I think they feel it's good timing. It's possible our last family holiday as DS is now 18 and hoping to join the army soon. I don't know how I feel, worried about Dad and scared to be away from all the people that have been talking sense in to my head. Not sure time for thinking is a good idea. Also scared to then go home and face the next part.
Anyway, for now I hope you all get some time to be kind to yourselves over the next few days. Thank you for being there!

under have a lovely time!

Wise words from needmoresleep.
Under, that sounds excellent. Have a wonderful time. Love the metaphor!!⭐️⭐️
And big dollops of Teflon to everyone else.

Have a lovely weeekend, UnderTheOakTree. That metaphor is very apt!

Am popping in to see Dad this morning & then I'm going away on my own for 3 nights!

The plan is to refresh, recharge & come back feeling more able to ride the sea of elderly parent waves, rather than be mercilessly thrown around by them! Preens at poetic metaphor this early in the morning.

Wishing everyone as peaceful weekend as possible xxx

Some really useful ideas there, NeedMoreSleep. Thank you.

Needmore - wise words, thankyou, I think a lot of what you've said will help many others in similar situations (& definitely me!)

Time I don't really have anything to add because you've had some really good advice already, so just offering strong, waterproof (Teflon covered) shoulders & some .

timeistight, as you know this is only manageable if it is sustainable.

I have lots of sympathy, and no solutions, but a few tips:

1. If professionals are not helping, the words "carer breakdown" can help. They can be quite happy to leave things to family if that is what the elderly parent suggests, but may focus if they fear family might walk away.

1. Counselling. Many many people on this board have found it useful to sort out their feelings. Its not just the frustrations/stress of the here and now, but your DH will be dealing with grief and long buried feelings about parents and siblings.

1. The relationship has changed. Your husband is parenting his mother. I found Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis, useful. For important transactions he needs to be the parent, which both he and his mother will find difficult. A decade in, and my mother is effectively my naughty toddler, which sounds awful but is essentially me taking her objections on board but then explaining why something (trip to the dentist, shower, coat when raining etc) will still happen. (Sadder still she now accepts this, but often thinks I am her mother or older sister, neither of whom she liked much. DB who chooses not to carry any of the burden, in contrast, is seen as the six yerar old she loved so much.)

1. Be prepared to lay down conditions, that will make the situation sustainable. It will help no one if your DH gives too much of himself.

1. Be ready to spring when there is a crisis. My mum would not have even cleaners or a panic button, and I received no support from my sibling who simply said "she values her independence". (He never visited so was unaware of how much her flat had turned into a filthy hovel.) She had a fall (luckily outside) at which point DB pushed her into signing a POA (but insisted I was it) I dropped everything and moved her into very sheltered housing, which is perfect, and hired carers. Lots and lots of screaming, but a few months later (I had told her it was temporary "until she was better") she was in one of her more lucid moments and thanked me. I also called her bluff one time when she went off on a rant about wanting to move home, and said she could. She immediately backed down. She is quite social and liked having people around.

1. Get as much in place as you can. The important one is POA. At the point when your MiL is capable of a decision but not an informed decision, ie not taking on board the burden she is placing on others, consult the people around you and then make a sensible decison on her behalf, which is in her best interests. Also look at Attendence and carers allowances. The first is important as it can unlock the door to Council tax exemption, and other benefits, and is in effect a proof of her disability. Get someone experienced to help you, as it is painful having to admit/detail all someone's failings. Try your best to get her used to people coming in, even if it is only a cleaner who might be persuaded to do some shopping or even take her to routine doctors appointments. Ask various professionals about alternative accomodation she might look at, or adaptations she might have. (SS should be willing to assess her home for the latter - and do ask, as being known to SS will help inform any future discharge decisions.) Professionals wont be able to recommend places, but can suggest some. Visit them all as they will include the ones they like in the list. And ask everyone who regularly visits a mix of elderly accomodation: priests, plumbers and the like. They may well have a view on whether management are switched on and helpful.

1. Your role is probably to be supportive and sympathetic. I almost went under, but small things like DH and teenage DD baking the cake of my choice ready for when I returned (I was doing a six hour round trip a couple of times a week, often staying overnight) helped a lot. DM had to be my priority so I was very lucky that home became a sanctuary. DH was also useful in occassionally talking to my mother and confirming that she would have to go along with what had been decided for her, as he was better able to keep the conversation dispassionate.

1. I also used her memory loss. I got sick of having a detailed discussion leading to a decision, and then having to start all over again the next day. DM was reluctant to admit her problems. So instead I approached it with a "surely you remember. We discussed this yesterday, you decided you wanted this to happen for this, this and this reason." and allowing her to take pride in her sensible decision. I also wrote down answers to her frequent questions "where has all my money gone", "why am I here" etc. so she did not fret when I was not there.

1. I found Hugh Marriotts "The Selfish Pigs Guide to Caring" really useful in allowing me to acknowledge the big mix of emotions, not all worthy/nice, I was feeling. I did not like Oliver James' "Contented Dementia" nearly as much, finding is too prescriptive, but there were a number of tips in there that I still use. Essentially the best way to get anywhere with someone with dementia, is to keep them calm - even if it means the odd white lie.

time that sounds like a really hard situation. I agree - Carers UK is meant to be very good. Can you speak directly to MIL's GP/adult social services etc? Your poor DH sounds ground down, as do you... sometimes just getting some help in place is enough to make it all seem a bit better. Monica agree that not being in a position to not need the counselling would be better!

In other news, DB and SIL are being absolute saints, taking mum out yesterday and today so I havent seen her since Monday. I am trying to catch up with life/domestic stuff/work/my charity but I think I've been running on adrenalin for so long that it's taking me ages to get back up to speed. But I have to, because they will go home on Monday.

Time, I am so sorry. Could you seek support from a carers organisation? Even just for moral support? Your dh sounds in a bad way.

Oh, timeistight, even by the standards of this thread that is very hard to bear. Why won’t he let you near - can he articulate? Amateur diagnosis is a dangerous thing, but do you think he’s depressed? Would he go to counselling?

I see some parallels with our situation. My mother refuses to engage with any of the agencies or organisations which could help her and offloads all her rage and frustration on me. Counselling has helped, because it gives me somewhere to talk freely (although, if I had a choice, I’d rather my mother didn’t behave in a way that leaves me needing counselling, but that doesn’t seem to be an option).

Long time lurker, occasional poster. Wishing I had realised what my MIL's situation could do to my marriage.

Five years of watching her decline while her DC were in complete denial, followed finally by an assessment and diagnosis of mixed dementia. Lots of professionals involved, all of whom agree that refusing all help is part of the illness, and then become complicit in it, so the poor woman is still just as vulnerable as she was before, if not more so as she has now lost capacity.

Now DH is coming out of denial and starting to understand the task before him and he can't cope. MIL needs far more care than 2 of her 3 DC can provide, but won't agree to anything, and they won't force her. DH is self-employed and if he's running round after MIL, he's not working, which worries him. I want to support him, but he won't let me near. He clearly can't cope and apparently now no longer cares whether I stay or go.

I guess something had to give, but I am devastated. I've been sat at work crying all day. Ironic isn't it, that MIL is so determined not to be burden that she has now destroyed us. Before she lost capacity, I was her golden DIL (she never liked my SIL). She would be mortified if she knew what had happened.

I have absolutely no idea where to go from here.

Hmm. I admit I hadn't thought about all the practicalities, but I guess there are, ahem, some areas one wouldn't want coated with Teflon so paper underwear might be de rigueur.

Thank you all! Spray Teflon??? Will that be like fake tanning??? 😮😮😮 sounds genius. No paper knickers required I hope??( not that I have ever indulged!)
You all deserve to share the choc I haven’t eaten yet...( hides wrappers)

Now that's a marketable idea - Teflon spray booths much like spray tan. It could be a national franchise.

3 days sandwich?? Today's medal is definitely yours!! No ideas how you are doing that !! 🥇