Do i tell brother our Dad is gay?

I'd be talking to my Dad about it first.

Does your DF in the care home have momentary bouts of 'golden' time when his brain is in gear and his conversation is lucid? Could you chat to him at all and let him know that you know and actually get some comfort that way?

Even if he has no golden time l would be tempted to chat to him in the privacy of his own care home bedroom and discuss it with him.
My mum is also in a care home and doesn't know my name. Sometimes in the privacy of her room i just chat away to her about my current day to day hassles and work colleagues. She never replies but for all I know might be registering just 5% of what i say. It makes the visit less empty.

I don't think you should have to carry the burden of keeping this a secret. What do you think your dad would have wanted? I am sure he would not have wanted to upset you.

I guess it feels a bit like he betrayed you and your family, but in the bigger perspective, this happens all the time. I suspect your dad loved your mum very much and that he was struggling with his sexuality. A gay friend of mine always said that many gay men really want a wife and family and that it's very hard to give up that dream.

My dad cheated on my mum with men and they divorced. My mum was devastated and spent 10 years in deep depression. It was also very difficult for me and my younger sister. My dad has since remarried (to a woman) and in spite of everything I have a good relationship to him. We don't talk about it, but it's not a secret. With my experience I can surely understand why your dad kept his sexuality hidden!

You are very welcome to send me a PM if you want to talk.

Maybe you should look into counselling to see if there is a different perspective.

Are you even a little sad that he lived in an era where people couldn't openly admit to being gay?

It sounds like you want to share this knowledge with someone who is equally affected by it, so the obvious person is your brother. If you feel it will help you then do it. You don't need to protect him from this secret, it sounds like you are carrying the bigger burden in caring for your dad, so deserve to do what is best for you.
And as you said your dad must have know one of you would find out, so persumebly he's happy enough that you both know.

I wouldn’t share that.

Is your mum still alive

Maybe it was a comfort to your Dad, knowing that you would find out eventually and understand him better. It must have been very hard to live with such a huge, deep part of you having to be hidden.

I suppose you could leave the photos etc for your brother to find.

This is a really shit situation for you. And it sounds like you're doing a lot by yourself.

Maybe just say to him what you've said here and then decide whether or not to say more based on his reaction. eg: Hi DB, I've been clearing out Dad's flat and have found a few things that suggest he may have had feelings for men at some point in his life. Were you aware of this?

Then you can get a better idea of whether or not DB would be a support to you. Otherwise I would probably just keep quiet. How bad is your Dad? Would you be able to mention anything to him?

I don't think you need to say anything. Unless it will give you peace? Which by the sounds of it.. it won't.

Your father can't speak for himself any more and I don't know if it's your place to tell his secret? I understand that it must feel like a huge lie has been kept from you. A reason for your parents' split. Your mother's anger. And I'm so sorry you've found out like this. But this isn't about you. Or your brother. Your dad was a person who lived a secret life from his children, probably out of fear? and it can't have been easy for him either.

I don’t think it’s selfish of you at all. It sounds like you take the greater share of care and you need support. The only thing is whether your brother can give you the relief through sharing or not, though he is the one most likely to understand how you feel perhaps?

Does it help to have a possible reason why he left? Would it help your brother to know? If not I would maintain your dad's privacy.

It depends if your brother would find peace in knowing why your parents probably split?

Would it help you to talk to him about it?

What would you gain by telling him,