Mum will hardly ever phone

Well I'm done banging my head against the wall. You don't get it Italian, at all.

OP, I hope it's been useful that some people on here have shown empathy for how you feel

Gosh, I think quite a few people are being a bit unnecessary here....

Italian is right - older people get hard of hearing, lose (a lot of) confidence, are unsure about 'best' times to ring, don't want to annoy loved ones, and sometimes don't know what to say - especially if they're immobile or at home most of the time. I've seen this with my father.

A little bit of compassion and understanding is required when the parent no longer acts like a parent but does / can become a bit needy and unsure. She's 84! Come on people....

And don't forget that lots of older people (me included) didn't grow up with a phone in the home, and don't feel the need to be constantly in touch.

I understand why you feel sad about it. My parents phone me every week and I Skype my student son every week. I have never really thought about how much love and care it shows, but I've always thought it important.

She sounds set in her ways with this though and you probably can't change it. Maybe she focuses on what she thinks "should" happen. Maybe she knows you are busier than she is and doesn't want to choose the time. Maybe she likes to talk, but doesn't like the phone (lots of people are like this - so they find it easier to answer a call than to make themself pick up the phone and dial). Maybe it's a power thing.

But whatever, it's not going to change and if you are stubborn about it you will probably come to regret it in years to come.

Oh for god sake. Yes every parent/child relationship is not the same. I get that. But talking generally, and certainly not even to the OP when the 'grow up' comment was made, people who sit back and say they feel unwanted etc rather then pick up the phone do need grow up. Pride is not much use when your mum is dead.

Elderly people absolutely deserve consideration.

'My parents looked after me when I needed them. '

Well lucky you. Not everyone has that experience with their parents. As a previous poster said, behaviours like this don't usually come out of nowhere in old age. I'm guessing that there is a back story here for OP - she seems very hurt by her mother's lack of initiation of contact. That doesn't sound like a relationship that was merrily rolling along until just now. Telling OP to 'grow up' was hardly useful advice

A relationship is supposed to work both ways.

Indeed. But that doesn't necessarily mean equal in all that we do.

My parents looked after me when I needed them. Now they need me, I'm there. The scales have altered. I liked the bit in the middle where I was an adult and they were fully independent, but now we are leaning heavily to me looking out for them, just as they once did for me.

Sorry but some people are full of self pity and can't see past themselves.

Rather think the swearing was unnecessary too.! However we are digressing from the OP’s post. It is not unreasonable to want your own mother to call you however old you both are. As said above some people are narcissistic and want to punish you- maybe the fact that the OP has moved away is underlying in this. My advice as I have said before is not to feel guilty- call on a regular basis but no more. Set boundaries and alway tell her if she wants to talk to you
More then she needs to call you.

My mum wouldn’t call me because she remembered how busy she was with young children. She loved to chat though, but didn’t want to 'get in the way' or inconvenience me at all. She didn’t much like calling anybody come to think of it, but was always ready to talk when someone rang her. Perhaps your mum is the same..

I agree Italiancortado. I volunteer with a group of elderly people. They are so reluctant to be a burden and also increasingly worried about using a phone. To the person who said it has nothing to do with age, I suggest you look at statistics on hearing loss in old age.
Some posters can only see things from their own perspective. Empathy goes a long way with the elderly.

It's not 'making it all about you' to want your parent to pick up the phone occasionally, especially if you have asked them to do so. A relationship is supposed to work both ways. The OP is allowed to have needs even if she is an adult, and telling her to 'grow up' was rude and unnecessary

Yes all this is true but some people are selfish and like others to do the running. They are skilled at inducing guilt.

The people who are like that are usually the same throughout their lives - it doesn't start mid-80s.

If someone never calls you then it's very hard not to think they don't care whether they speak to you or not. If you then feel your mum doesn't care whether she speaks to you or not, that is something to be sad about. I've no idea why there's so much hostility on here towards the OP.

My Nan always used to remind us all that "a telephone is a two way instrument" . However as a former telephonist she had no problems making calls and was a regular on radio phone ins. Some elderly people feel like they are disturbing you by telephoning and sometimes may find using the phone difficult. I would just bite the bullet and give your mum a ring. I would give anything for one more call to my mum who is deceased.

Eh? Sorry what?

I do think people who sit back and make it all about them need to grow up. That's not rude. It's a fact. I am surprised at the amount of people who clearly have no understanding of what's it's like to grow old.

I agree - it was a very rude post, Italian. No need for it

Wow italiancortado don’t think anyone asked for that response . Think it’s you who needs to grow up

'I sense an underlying resentment on her part, perhaps that you moved away?'

That's definitely the case with my parents and in laws. Can you relate to this OP?

Her age has very little to do with it.

I disagree. As people get older they often lose confidence. They get slower, mentally as well as physically and they are aware that they are not as able as they used to be. His leads to them withdrawing somewhat in order to not come across as needy or a burden. Age is indeed a massive factor.

I totally understand why it upsets you op. You have told her you would love for her to call and she doesn’t.

I sense an underlying resentment on her part, perhaps that you moved away? Don’t visit every week like she expected you to? It is rarely about the phone call but more to the point the lack of equality or care you feel in the relationship.

Some of the posts are strange on here. Her age has very little to do with it. She may be 84 but she could call if she wanted to, she chooses not to.

I would call when it is convenient to me

I tend not to call my children in case they are at work or driving, but I do text, email, Skype.

My parents in their 80's live in another country and as they've aged I've noticed they call less and less. We keep in touch as I call and my father at 86 has mastered whatsapp .

My mother's hearing has deteriorated a lot in recent years and she finds it difficult on the phone and when we do talk she doesn't talk for long. She's getting a hearing aid next month so hopefully that may help.

They are the parent and should WANT to talk to you. Makes you feel rubbish and unwanted'

Yeah, well the parent in question here is 84. Eighty fucking four. I think that's past the point where her DC should be making it all about them and feeling unwanted fgs. It's probable (as has been mentioned many times) that the parent doesn't want to be a burden. Elderly people often stay in the background and be some very lonely as a result of them or wanting to 'bother' people.

Sometimes you need to grow the fuck up and phone your parents.

Do you not think that calling on the same day/time puts pressure and expectation on you and when life becomes busy- like myself I have a young child and a full time job- it ends up with the parent believing you don’t care and you feeling guilty. Don’t set yourself up to fail- if you do set a regular period to call because you have to (note the have to- why should it feel like an obligation) then manage that- change the day time and set boundaries- tell them when you can’t do it. Otherwise it just ends up being a chore.

I think most parents are terrified of being a burden. Just do some research on here and read about the posters who complain about their mothers ringing at in opportune times. I rang my elderly mother every day at the same time. She looked forward to the phone call although, when I was busy, the regularity drove me mad. I never let her know that though. She told everyone that her daughter phoned every day, regular as clock work. It made her feel cared about. It made me feel better about living a distance away.
We only ever talked about the weather etc, but it was contact.

'They are the parent and should WANT to talk to you. Makes you feel rubbish and unwanted'

I agree. My parents and in laws are the same - never phone or visit us, it's always down to us to keep in contact. It certainly doesn't make for an equal relationship

I understand your frustration OP. I feel the same. Sadly, she's highly unlikely to change at this stage, so I think you need to manage the situation as best you can. Taking control is a good plan