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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do you cope with the nastiness?

37 replies

MrsGrindah · 31/08/2017 19:58

My Dad is becoming a nasty bitter old man. I love him so much and I know he's missing my Mum but he is becoming so nasty it's wearing me down. My worry is my Grandad was just like it when he was widowed and it nearly broke my parents and I can see the same thing happening to me. I try to remain stoical and cheerful but it hurts.Any tips?

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 31/08/2017 21:01

Oooh, this sounds like a relative of mine too! Extremely passive-agressive with anyone they deal with and constantly thinks people are out to get them. They do suffer from anxiety and depression, is there any chance that your DF might be suffering too?

I often (just in my head, not out loud!) compare them to other relatives who have been through similar experiences in life and wonder why this particular one is so bitter and unhappy. They have pushed everyone away and only speak to 3 or 4 members of their close family. It is hard work and you have my sympathy Flowers

tehmina23 · 31/08/2017 20:52

My nan could be quite bitchy & unpleasant, I'm not sure how much of it was her early stages of dementia, her frustration at being old (from late 80s) or her true personality.
But she's dead now and we all miss her a lot!

I think that when people age the various good and bad aspects of their personality are amplified.

You need to have a chat with your dad about his issues, maybe it will be a wake up call for him.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 31/08/2017 20:37

howrude I think he feels entitled .. he's been through a lot lately, he isn't well etc so wants to take it out on the world. It's wearing me down but at the same time my heart breaks for him

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howrudeforme · 31/08/2017 20:32

No advice but I'm now living with my mother who's in late 70s.

Her life is pretty good but she has changed and I find her v difficult. She's vicious, highly critical, very negative and horribly selfish. I think that in some people ageing amplifies their character. I have also noted her language skills deteriorating slightly and wonder if she is showing signs of dementia.

If any of this resonates, do you think he may be unwell.

No advice but I feel for you, OP, it's not easy.

LineysRun · 31/08/2017 20:30

It's so hard. Incredibly so. The selfishness seems to be a reversion to some kind of ego-centric toddler status - yet only in some people.

I've read opinions on MN that difficult older people were actually difficult younger people who just find it less easy to hide.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 31/08/2017 20:28

He's not actually nasty to me but he's nasty to/ about other people

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Original poster
MrsGrindah · 31/08/2017 20:26

Yes Mum died suddenly and it was a terrible shock for all of us. I'm still grieving myself so find this behaviour even harder to cope with.

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Original poster
MrsGrindah · 31/08/2017 20:25

Both! Name calling, swearing and very " woe is me". And he does have some real struggles to cope with but he has a family who love him, great neighbours etc. I'm scared he'll push them all away and it will be left to me

OP posts:
Oly5 · 31/08/2017 20:24
  • try not to yell NOT tell. Sorry for typo
Oly5 · 31/08/2017 20:24

Maybe you could tell
Him that you're finding him nasty and bitter and that it's upsetting you? Did your mum die? Tell him you miss her too but that he can't take it out on you.
Every time he is rude, pull him up on it in a nice cheery way.
Try not to tell or get worked up but don't let him treat you badly.
Sorry you're going through this OP

LineysRun · 31/08/2017 20:22

Is he aggressive, or 'just' miserable?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 31/08/2017 20:20

Anybody? Please?

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