Christmas Holiday away with elderly in laws

Sounds awful OP.
If you really can't cancel then if possible book your Christmas Dinner out and don't tell them until you have checked with the venue that they are fully booked.
It might be worth looking at the terms and conditions of the rental to see if you are even allowed any guests at all if it takes you over the occupancy level.

@agent

They don't want to spend xmas with their DGC at all, they want a free easy dinner or else they'd offer to host/take their family out to read.

Just because they are elderly doesn't mean they can get away with that.

I was going to say book a meal out or get your husband to do the waiting on.
Could you change your dates more so that you're just overlapping by less days?

How about booking Christmas lunch at a restaurant for you and your family without telling them? Their faces would be priceless when they realised you weren't providing food for them.

just go, lock the door, and PILs will have to go back to their accommodation it's one idea but I would be surprised if OP could see that through.

And if they turn up late, go ahead and start without them.

That sounds hard.

Can you make changes this year as you are in a different place?

So, do you want Christmas dinner at lunchtime, or as the DCs are getting older, would it be nice as an evening meal?

In the afternoon (regardless of dinner timing), why not agree that you (DH, DCs and you I mean) are all going out for a walk to X place - and just go, lock the door, and PILs will have to go back to their accommodation. (You are going for an ENERGETIC walk).

Decide where you want to go for different days, so when they turn up for morning coffee or afternoon tea, you aren't actually there or are on your way out the door. Because you are on your holidays that you booked because it was so nice and you want to go out and enjoy them. Maybe suggest that you can call over to them later on your way back for the afternoon tea or even the evening meal, and that you will really be looking forward to it after all that fresh air (or whatever).

Arrange to go out for dinner one evening and have a table for 4 booked, or tickets for the local panto, or whatever.

Basically, take back the power.

You are making your own plans and they will just have to fit in with those as they were not invited. This is YOUR family holiday and YOUR family Christmas, and they can be part of it but on your terms for a change.

And yes, they definitely need to be put in charge of various elements (while having what you want done in the background - like your kind of gin or a nice bottle of bubbles or a specific cheese).

In fact, as you will be in accommodation that is not familiar, and won't cater for 6, they will need to bring certain elements with them or they cannot happen (like FIL's favourite veg dish or MILs favourite sauce). And it is up to them to make sure that there is enough crockery for them too - as you booked a place for 4 people and that was all you expected to feed.

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Show your DH how much you hate the role he has forced you into.

I had a similar issue and put my foot down two years ago. It was surprisingly easy (I was dreading the fallout) and Christmasses have been bliss ever since.

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I never get why when an OP is being treated with a total lack of care, respect and consideration why posters demand that they rise above this and must lavish patient and endless, self sacrificing enabling in turn. They may not look for any reciprocation or relief for themselves. I can't help feeling it's a left over from a cultural time where a good DiL sucked up endless crap for the sake of husband and children.

Stuff that, that isn't being kind or good, that's being a doormat.

a) how did they find out where you were going? That's a mistake you and dh need to make sure can't happen again!

b) after 16 years you're entitled to say 'look, we booked this holiday because Irish needs a rest this year and a break from hosting Christmas, so this is going to be Different To Usual. Our plans are that we're going to enjoy the place and not do much at all. So it's lovely you'll be around, but this break is a rest for us. We won't be able this year to make Christmas dinner for you or host meals - happy to meet you at a restaurant a couple of times and we can split costs - but we're going to chill out.' And sign post them to a good M&S food locally, or a restaurant or pub that does Christmas dinner/boxing day dinner.

c) the pulling of the 'one day you'll be sorry' card is just plain shutting the OP down. She's entitled to have feelings and to enjoy Christmas too. (Particularly after 16 years of putting herself last.)

You need to think which things they really want and make them responsible for bringing them. They like wine - they bring wine while you down your secret gin stash . They like cake - you're trying to cut down so only have one type and when it is gone it has gone. Next year make sure you book a surprise trip for dh somewhere so he doesn't know and can't tell. Yes it is good to support them but after 16 years you deserve a year off. Oh and dh must be responsible for hosting/ fair share cooking/ prep etc.

What does your DH think? I'd tell them they are not welcome and change your plans (but don't give them any information).

It's very rude to intrude on your holiday this way.

@Irishpixie, your second post puts a different slant on things. Given that you've done it for 16 years AND there a brother, YANBU. (See - I'm not really that nice! )

You tell your DH this will happen and you 100% expect his support.

You breezily say hello MIL and PIL. I booked Holiday cottage so I got a bit of a rest and break this year. I've ordered the Xmas dinner for 4. As you are coming it will be an extra £x to upgrade to the 6-8 version. I'll do that if you could let me have the difference. Obvs I'll have a lot of chores because of the DC so cd you and FIL please get the following and bring them down: crackers, napkins, cake, cheese board, gin - that would be great.

It will be lovely to have you with us to share it all. As we work so hard, we'd quite like to go to the races on 27th so if I leave a buffet lunch out woukd you baby sit the DC.

I get you I hosted Xmas for 16 years and eventually said "look I can't do this, at home, I was ill last year. Next year we're booking a cottage an hour from them and they can come from 24th-27th along with crackers, cake, pud, etc. It was absolutely lovely and we said we'd do it every year. FIL died v suddenly that summer. So that Xmas we had Xmas lunch at a restaurant rather than stare at the empty chair.

MIL still comes for a week at Christmas and expects full maid service. I take less notice now.

OP I'm afraid you've made the rod already lively and I really sympathise. You won't get rid of the rod now but you will find ways of making it more comfortable and less of a burden and it does get a bit easier when the DC get older and you need to do less for them and they can help more.

We're at the stage now where I suspect this year may be the last when she can come on the train and we will have an 8 hour round trip and possibly we might not have many Christmases left.......

Its christmas a time for giving. If my dp felt like this towards my parents i would spend xmas with them and tell him to sort himself out. He never would we all get on really well

What has your husband said about it? Is he bothered that they are going?

I would be tempted to cancel, but really this is something you have to talk to your husband about. How did they find out the exact location? They had no scruples about deciding to crack on with booking the same place. In future you will have to be vague!

As for making the most of them at Christmas, I am sorry but what do you think will happen when one of them passes on, the surviving parent will absolutely spend every Christmas thereafter with you. One Christmas to yourselves now is not being selfish.

What would happen if you cancelled ? Seems pointless spending a lot of money to go away at christmas to get away from inlaws - you may as well same your money and have them at home? Could you use the excuse you now have to work over christmas?

I know this is a stock MN response but you've got a massive DH problem. Why does he think it's ok to inflict his DPs on you year after year when his DB, their own son, isn't expected to? If you can cancel this then I would do so.

Yes cancel. Otherwise you are just going to have to grit your teeth. Tell them you've changed your mind and booked somewhere different and then book a single cottage in the middle of nowhere. They're clearly not going to pick up on subtleties and having hosted for that many years you do deserve a break.

I have to say make the most of them. I lost my mother and mil within 14 days just after xmas this year. My dm would just turn up at my house and it used to bug me at times but right now i wish she eould just rock up.

If you have had them for so many years then they prob see it as a tradition now they are 70 and have provided for there kids and now its time to give some good will back.

Suggest that they bring certain items of food with them. Or that they can come over for late afternoon evening for drinks and food. Make it an invite that way its clear they cant come over until that time

I let DH deal with MIL. I can't stand her and she stinks. (Smoker and doesn't shower or clean her clothes or teeth often). I usually retreat to upstairs and do mumsnet. But it's harder when away on hols.

In your position, OP, I would cancel the holiday and book an alternative.

Cancel or change your holiday

Or provide them with a shopping list, 'we thought you could get these bits for Xmas'

That sounds awful. It's very presumptions of them to assume they can just join you. Can you cancel and go somewhere further afield where they can't follow?