Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

poss pleurisy and clot on lung. being ambulanced to a&e in a bit. am letting her go in ambulance as do not want 30 min drive with her possibly flaking out on me.... just going to sit with her now til ambulance comes and then on stand by I suppose. if clot will be surgrey tomorrow - but may not be clot at all.... sigh. its only jan 16.

Mum is 72 with Alzheimer's, lives at home alone with support
It was all a bit much today - mums carer phoned to say she was very confused again today about what she was doing. He managed to sort her out and had also had a chat with her OT. I ended up speaking to her OT too and writing a letter to her GP.
I spoke to her 3 times yesterday to get her to her art group - much arguing (gentle on my side more forcefully on hers) that it no longer existed (Christmas closing really threw her), she did get there but I was exhausted with the effort. I live at the other end of the country so my everyday interaction is generally over the phone. I am trying to get her more support but it's a balancing act between finances, her wishes and the rest of the family.
I'm finding it exhausting at the moment juggling (many daily phone calls), working, looking after 2 small kids ( 1 & 9) and my own poor health. My siblings are helpful to an extent but I seem to bear the brunt of the admin & phone calls.
I got of the phone with my mums OT today and just ended up having a good old cry as it just feels like far too much to be dealing with all at once - I don't have enough life for all this! I need to phone her later and I'm dreading it as it's so draining.
sorry not really looking for advice just really needed to unload somewhere.

Oh no, yolofish. Is your mum over 80? If so, she should be top priority for a home visit. Hope things can be sorted out quickly for both your sakes. Tomorrow, I have a dental emergency to sort out for my mother.

oh shit I think DM has a chest infection and/or pneumonia. Very painful ribs, screams when she moves, coughing, blah blah. I have to go to London tomorrow so will have to phone GP and do my best to get her a home visit... proof of how crap she is feeling is that when I said I'd get a home visit she actually agreed it would be a good idea. I would normally try and be there for a home visit because she is so deaf, and also so determined not to be a burden that she'd usually get up and offer a cup of tea or something ridiculous. Sigh.

@lello, maybe direct your mum towards some day centres or other sorts of facilities that she can go to without you. There was a point that my mum would do that sort of thing, so worth trying that in the first instance rather than allow her to be dependant on you.

I'm borrowing this from @astrantia on another thread:

Something struck me very early on and has stayed with me ever since. I was moaning about parents who whine and complain then refuse any help.
The advice was
“Don’t try to fix the unfixable”. Learn to say, “There is nothing I can do about that”

The other thing which this page helps with is accepting that some of our parents are not really very nice, and some of those never were even in their fit and healthy days! It's nice to have somewhere to acknowledge that, because in RL you kind of have to be nice about them because they are:old, ill, related to you etc...!

I do sympathise, lello.

What helps me (and what I've learnt from this thread) is trying to focus on the here and now. Try not to worry about what lies ahead because none of us really know. Try too not to feel guilty (or be manipulated into feeling guilty) about spending time with friends because you need a network of support now more than ever. My mother tends to do the same thing, and every time she does I remind myself that she would have more places to go if she hadn't rejected so many invitations and opportunities. Having said all that, it is easier said than done and the non-judgemental chat on this thread can be a real comfort.

I think it's just the idea of it all, and I'm finding I'm not really a nice patient person! The constant requests for help with things she could do in her sleep 3 months ago annoy me, and I feel guilty about that because for now I'm doing far less than anyone else here (still living independently and OK with day to day stuff, shopping etc)

I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her (when I have plans with friends I always get "I wish I had somewhere to go..." etc). I feel guilty for being better off than her, money is a big stressor for her. Then presuming this is dementia, I'm worrying about the likely progression, so feel like I'm already carrying years of preemptive guilt for things like what we'll do when she needs more support (I think she'd want to move in with me and I don't think I could handle that) etc.

I should probably be just focusing on now, but overthinking & anxiety is what I do best unfortunately!

It can be a bit of a long haul, and s9me of us find that as soon as one relative situation is resolved, another crops up!

Is there anything in particular bothering you, Lello? People here are wise, experienced and knowledgable. And not judgemental.

I think I may be at the start of this caring for a parent journey, and I'm already scared & not coping v.well

Hello everyone. Glad that people are managing to find the bleak humour that is often lurking below the surface!

My DH and DS view the world economically/statistically! Yes! We have actually considered how inappropriate we think it is that my dad has had so much medical input from an NHS which is on its knees.

But being very rational doesn't go down well in the wider world...

Pickle, we were speculating here about whether DM, who outside her memory problems is in good health, would survive a bout of flu. The jab is supposed to be ineffective for the over 75s. If the virus hits her sheltered housing it is likely to rip through.

Cue a moment of dark humour about the impact on the vacancy rates in various care facilities. (We are both economists so have a bad habit of viewing things in terms of markets.) So a slight silver lining. If you are looking for the perfect room, now is as good a time as any.

We'd love him to stay where he is, as it's less disruptive. It isn't the nature of the place though, sadly. You are supposed to be there for a very short stay!
This may not be the best option, but it is the safest option. Home care would be unreliable- not because of the carers, but the setting. It could be great but it could be disastrous.

oh pickle is that a good thing from your and dad's pov? sorry had to laugh about the view!!

Yesterday's meeting decided Dad has to move to a care home, and will be eligible for Continuing Health Care funding. It will take a couple of weeks to sort the funding and arrange the move, assuming he doesn't deteriorate. Mum is fretting about being ripped off over the fees, among other things. Also, we aren't just looking for a home with a space, suitable care, a nice atmosphere, decent food and an ensuite- no, we also need a good view from his room. So that will be a task and a half. My sister is being much nicer about mum at the moment. I think some pressure in her home may have shifted, leaving her a bit more head space.

always you can get help filling in the forms from an organisation called D I A L. They came to my mothers house and filled in the forms with us. Also if you are in receipt of Attendance Allowance you are more likely to qualify for a Blue Badge as well as other benefits.

Need that is great advice. I had never heard of Attendance allowance. I'm definitely going to see if I can apply for my DM & DF. It would allow them to spend it on something useful even if it's just petrol for my Dsis going backwards and forwards to them.

Well done, shopafrolic! It all tends to rather creep up on you.

Thank you all. On further investigation they do get around £200 pm attendance allowance. DM has just completed reassessment forms and sent them today to DWP so your advice is timely.
All your comments have made me realise I need to plan more carefully as this is something I am going to be in for the long haul. I have been to the doctors today and have been prescribed a low dose AD which I am hoping with give me some more space to think and plan and less of the overwhelming panic surges I currently experience.
I am going to list out everything that needs to be dealt with for each elderly relative and then find out how best to get assistance. I really appreciate you all giving your input

i think the worst of it is the combination of the emotional and physical load. I see DM every evening - unless I'm away for work or doing something socially - and it is a Just Another Thing for me every single day. This week with DB and family here I have a break, and it feels amazing. And like someone upthread said, this could go on a long long time. I'm 57 this year, and could be doing this another 10 years, possibly adding some grandchildren into the mix along the way...

Totally agree with the advice about making it sustainable across your whole life. My parents house is clean and uncluttered but still the work is endless. (dad rang me urgently at work one day to say they’d been robbed - gave me a real fright - turned out they were out of tea bags)

You need to think really carefully about what you can manage and just accept some things will not happen and try not to get stressed about it. Prioritise