Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Just called my DM and she has struggled to put on her gas fire though she has 24hr central heating.

Her passing comment was "your dad can't get it on either, but I got there in the end." My DD is gone 18 months I gently pointed that out to her and she said "I know but you know what I mean"

Ugh to the UTIs. Late MIL was prone to them because, despite being instructed after a surgery to drink plenty of water every day, she wouldn't. So worrying to see her unwell but so frustrating that it was self-inflicted.

It's so true that the social care system isn't (and probably never could be) big enough to cater for everyone who might need it and yet the demands of modern life mean that most middle-aged children will struggle to fill the gaps. It isn't just about individuality; in my first career we were in theory nationally mobile, so we could have been posted hundreds of miles away, with little choice in the matter.

Hello everyone, may I join in? I’m on my way to spend the weekend with DM, & my sister & I have a meeting with the manager of the semi-sheltered housing she lives in. We’ve had an officious & frankly rude email from her & DSis (local to DM) says she feels permanently on the naughty step, both with her & the carers who go in at lunchtime. DM is lovely; been pretty independent but memory loss is worsening & this week she’s been unwell. Really cross that the manager suggested it might be that she’s worrying about DSis going away (having 1st holiday in years...). DM won’t even remember. She has someone going in every day & I will stay each weekend while DSis is away. So I think we are about to enter new territory, trying to sort more support & maybe a move. Also this weekend, DD1 has gone back to uni & DH has gone in the opposite direction to visit his DM just out of hospital!
to all of you, dealing with difficult situations.

That sounds tough, along.

Nota, have you tried getting liquids into her in other ways? Jelly, soup etc? It doesn't need to be water, I don't think.

The UTI thing is quite scary, isn't it. Hope the ABs help quickly.

I love the idea of your dad harbouring an inner Disney princess Along. The only thing I can say is take those pleasant moments when they come - they are rare. Good spot on the UTI as well. My DM doesn't drink water - says she doesn't like the taste - so I have got used to hospitalisations due to dehydration/UTIs which could probably be avoided if she drank more, but hey ho.

I bought a copy of the book NeedsMore recommends up thread, but have yet to read it. Something I should get to this month I think.

Tough week here. Mum having very paranoid, distressed times.

She rang me last night to say my dad had her trapped in M&S warehouse in our local high street. Also convinced they have huge rent arrears and will be evicted at any moment so reluctant to answer phone or door. I was round there the other morning and she was raging about how dad had never worked a day in his life. I spent couple of hours trying really hard to soothe her without arguing. They both worked, they were great with money, I have power of attorney, they own the house, all is well.

Suddenly thought last night maybe this is UTI so rang GP and minor injuries to see if I could get an urgent appt. GP told me to phone at 9am. I rang this morning and all the appts gone but we could go at 5pm and wait to be fitted in. However they then called back a few mins later and offered 11am appt. Mad rush, fib to mum that she was due an urgent check up. 17 yr old dd2 leaped out of bed and ran round to help her get ready. Lovely gp took urine and blood and was happy to prescribe antibiotics on basis UTI very likely.

Dad’s had a bad week so I took mum to my house for lunch to give him some calm time to himself. Got the wood burner going, made lunch, watched TV. Took mum home late afternoon and we found dad in the garden chatting to a pair of robins. All animals love him and gravitate to him - DD2 reckons he has an inner Disney princess.

We moved house to be near my parents - we’re 10 min walk from them which is pretty amazing in London. I’m using their savings and spending a lot on carers and a day Centre. The carers and the day Centre are ace but as the dementia progresses there are loads of things that only direct family members can help with. So I’ve ended up reducing my hours at work. My brother is nearby and helps a lot but he can’t help with the most stressful episodes - has an uneasy relationship with mum and doesn’t cope well when she’s distressed.

oh pickle yes definitely guard that extra time for you x

I'm ok, though the flu seems to be trying to return. I've decided to take a leave of absence from one of my jobs, and possibly not return. It's quite and intrusive, inconvenient job, and I just can't be bothered to do it. I do t need the mo ey, I was doing it in order to feel independent and have options in the future.

Mum's ok, though getting a bit ratty when I offer help with arrangements. She's all 'why does this have to be done now' followed by 'why do I always have to do everything at the last minute and in a rush'. Well, we do it now so we don't have to rush it at the last minute, mum. Facepalm.

good point nota. I've ordered that 'selfish' book someone mentioned above. I dont understand how we all have to be at breaking point in order for anything to happen but hope your DM is at least safe and being cared for at the mo so you can breathe.

DM has 'disinvited' DB etc from visiting this month on grounds she cant go anywhere. She saw a specialist yest who prescribed stronger morphine patches, 10-14 weeks max rest and another CT scan; daily help is great but as today is her day off was sent someone else who she took against frm the off.

DB and DSIL will come anyway and stay visit with their son/DIL and baby and come and see mum for a day which should at least be a distraction.

thank you all for your support. I think the point about looking anxious is a good one - unless you are visibly bowing under the pressure, there is an expectation that you can take more. The amount of phone calls that I have had to make today in order to get one part of the system talking to the other has been mad. What on earth happens to those elderly people with issues who don't have people like us around to keep things moving along?

I think the powers that be need to front up and say 'we do not have a Social care system that allows you to live independently throughout your old age. Plan accordingly, make sure you live near a family member or go into sheltered accommodation.'

We've all moved around the country for work, there are few home makers/community supporters any more. I had no one to look after my kids when I was at work, and now I'm not near my parents when they need me.

We need to reconsider this individualism thing, and look at the whole community again!

Oops, sorry, heavy rant over...

Nota - it's crappy, even when you are doing so much, there are people who think if you aren't there 24/7 you aren't doing enough.
They forget you need to do stuff for your life too - not even fun stuff just the essentials.

I had mums 'useless' GP give me the solution for mum not taking her essential meds (she says she takes them but only takes them if someone sits there and watches her) was for me to 'pop in and supervise her every day' - this was despite her knowing I live 300 miles away, have a job, a baby, a school aged child and a disability- yep I can obviously do that!
She then told me I should really be doing more hands on care.

That's terrible. Can I suggest looking anxious and worried? People seem to assume strong people can do it all, and don't understand the situation unless you make it emotionally visible. I've learned that saying calmly 'this is unsustainable, I need help' gets me nowhere. I need to be visibly panicking about running out of annual leave etc. Otherwise people assume I have it under control.

It doesn't come naturally! I was once told during a fostering supervision that I needed to learn to ask for help. I'd been begging for help for months using my nice words. It wasn't until I cried that she heard me.

Have you read Hugh Marriott's "The Selfish Pigs Guide to Caring". It covers all bases in terms of the less attractive emotions that everyone, other than real saints, feel when caring for others. There is a chapter on those that are paid to support but effectively do the opposite.

I need to vent. DM was hospitalised yesterday: I took her to a routine GP check-up which escalated into being sent to A&E, and then admitted to a ward. Oddly, she seemed completly fine in herself. Once she was on the ward and ordering lunch, I excused myself, telling the nurses that I was clearly no longer needed and so would get to work. I managed a half day working at home, and my boss was ok with things going from being a little late in, to a half day absence. Although there is a limit to how understanding I can expect him to be. So I went to DMs house in the evening to pick up her nightie etc, and got to the hospital just before the end of visiting hours at 8. The nurses asked me where I had been, and that my mum had been asking for me. I said... I work, so I have been at work, as I told you at lunch. They looked quite disappointed in me. The thing is, I get that all the time when it comes to DM and her frequent hospital admissions, caring needs, etc. But the very fact that these are women who work extremely long hours, I don't understand why I get these all the time from them. Frankly, if I had to be with her each time someone expects me to be, I wouldn't have a job to go to. And I know that nobody gives my brother this stuff.

Sorry, that was a freeform rant.

pickle - what willit said about allowing yourself time to grieve. My DF dropped dead when I was 35 weeks preganant with DD1 and honestly it didnt hit me properly for a long time after I'd helped mum, given birth, dealt with newborn etc. But I totally understand your relief.

Wonky - hope the GP is more pro-active now you have been proved correct!

Pickle - do take time for yourself, I found after my father died, dealing with all the administration issues for my dads finances and sorting out mums finances, meant that I did not take the time to grieve like I should. It is hard when there is a mixture of relief and grief. Thinking of you.

headinhands - I hope that the situation with the carers gets sorted soon. Try to reassure yourself that you are doing all you can, aren't we all!

Thank you for all your thoughts!

I'm back!

Glad the GP is sitting up and taking notice, wonky!

I'm fine- honestly, it's a relief not to be worrying about Dad. His last months were not good, and we were so powerless to help. Now it's just mum to worry about- she's agreed to a GP appointment (says she doesn't know why, but the GP is hounding her to go!). In fact, the hospice contacted her GP and told him they were concerned about her because of behaviour they had seen. It's an amazing surgery, she's only recently transferred there and you can get an appointment and they answer the phone and everything! Unlike her last surgery where you couldn't actually get an appointment by the time you'd got through on the phone.

Anyway, I'm genuinely fine about Dad. Just need to get mum through now. She's a bit feisty, and her affairs are quite complicated, but one day at a time we should get there. She's doing remarkably well.

Just had a call back from GP receptionist and surprise surprise mums bloods show she hasn't been taking her meds! GP is going to call me back and discuss where we go from here - I shall resist the urge to say ' I told you so!' when she calls.

Useful 're strips. I need to get some.

Court of Protection covers all sorts of stuff. There is a pretty dense bit of guidance: Court of Protection Practice Direction D which covers financial stuff, buying and selling of property, changes to wills, gifts, allowing expenses etc. The thing worth knowing is that the Land Registry seem to have tightened up and may now demand to see COP approval for any transaction involving an Attorney. Conveyancing solicitors may not be aware. The loan to be repaid is, to ensure everything was above board, was organised through solicitors and secured against property. I will sort it out eventually. But really worth checking requirements if you needed to sell a property in a hurry. Particularly if it is being bought, albeit at market rate, by a relative.

By the time this is over my collection of obscure knowledge will be huge.