Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

The hospice don't want to know unfortunately - in their actual words when I asked for help a while back "we are too busy we do have people with cancer you know" in a most condescending tone. I've not bothered with them since. We have carers coming in and a sitter but I just want to go home for a few days! Relax and have my own things around me etc. very selfish of me I know

Going to gp tomorrow hopefully so see how we go from there

Well that's been a tough couple of days. Far too long to go into in full but I suggested asking my sister to come over (lives abroad) for a couple of weeks to let me have a break and my god you'd think I was the devil incarnate! Also not helped when sister said no......

I've been with mum for 6 weeks now and am literally on my knees. She's very hard work and whilst I know she's very ill and very frightened my nerves are shot to pieces. Every night I sleep lightly waiting for her driver to alarm out (twice its been charged) or waiting for her bell to go if she needs me.

My partner has been on his own (limited mobility) so I've been dashing over to take him food etc. I miss him and I miss my own home but she can't or won't see that.

My only option is respite care in a nursing home but she's refusing that.....

Sorry for self-indulgence

Hope the GP helps us both, unmanned!

Badders, that is so familiar! We go round in circles with DM, trying to explain things, then she gets cross and impatient and next phone all it all starts again.

Bear hug, that's hard. The thing is, we can only fix what can be fixed- some things just have to be endured. My DB is struggling in a similar way. He doesn't like engaging with the situation because it can't be fixed so it is upsetting. However, we need him to engage because it's emotionally very wearing. It needs to be shared around. The thing to do is make it as 'least bad' as you can. So supporting his DSis and his DM in something which is difficult for them, rather than risking undermining it with his doubts. I've been very frustrated when having spent ages helping them come round to a change which needs to be made, he questions whether it is necessary. So I have to explain it all over again to him, and then reassure my DPs again again. Again.

Hope you don't mind me asking: my MIL has been moved into a nursing home a few weeks ago. DP is finding it very difficult to deal with. Emotions are running high and there have been arguments with his sister.

SIL has been heroic in looking after her for years to the point it affected her own health. As we live in a different country DP has not been able to do more than the odd week of respite care. Objectively DP knows there is no other solution. But he's hating it. DS and DP are staying in her empty house for the Easter holidays and are visiting her every day. Every day she demands to be taken home.

How do I best support him? And DS, 8, who is witnessing the family all upset...

We're on the phone for an hour a day and I listen, mostly. There is nothing I can do to fix this!

I'm sorry to hear that popcorn 💐

Mum is driving me mad😞 she is going. Away for 5 days with db and sil on Monday so she should be bloody delirious but instead she is getting anxious and stressed.

My brother is about as much use as a chocolate fire guard in an emergency and I think she is worried in case she takes ill

She has phoned me three times this afternoon with questions about her meds...she just doesn't listen to the dr or to me!!

I think I've sorted it but I will need to contact the Drs surgery on Tuesday as they have made an error 🙄

Grr

Popcorn I could have written much the same I'm off to the GP on Tuesday

Thank you. How do you know when you aren't coping? When I'm busy, I'm ok though a bit foggy and inclined to be forgetful. When I have a day free though, I don't want to get out of bed and just feel weepy all the time. We went out in the car for a walk and a coffee/cake stop, because I couldn't see any point in getting up. So maybe I should just stay busy.

I'm going to book with GP- I'm on thyroxine, and possibly peri, so I don't know whether I need ADs, or to up my thyroxine, or what! Probably need more , to be honest.

Sorry for self pity.

Oh popcorn I'm so sorry

Vertical, have you asked the council or age uk or someone like that? My parents have been offered one for £1/week. They are in Wales, and some things are more available there.

I've been feeling a bit low. DF is becoming less himself, DM insisted he do another round of chemo though he didn't want to and we aren't sure if it is worth having. There are all sorts of issues with DM not necessarily being truthful with professionals about how well they are, but then getting angry when no support materialises. DB is a bit distant because he 'can't fix anything'. Doesn't seem to appreciate that a regular phone call helps everyone feel less isolated and makes sure we all understand the situation.

And worst of all, my lovely dad is dying, and not particularly enjoying his time because he and mum squabble terribly. She struggles with the 'less capable' man he now is.

My mum never charges her mobile and "tidies" it away into a drawer!

Thanks unmanned they seem quite a lot for what they do when I could just make sure her mobile is charged, but she's keen for the peace of mind! Will carry on researching

Found you!

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time Pink.

Badders, I hope you are enjoying your freedom and not feeling guilty.

Sympathies, Comet. I too am the only one for my DM who is 200miles away. Thankfully she is in a Nursing home now, but it was pretty tricky for a while. Just been up to see her and she was very confused and distressed, but looked well physically. She did know who I was, but is obviously hallucinating and is getting quite aggressive. She said again that she wished she had died.
So sad she and others have to go through this.

Mum has copd too albeit mildly
Such an awful disease

Totally failed to realise the last thread was full. Hi everyone! I'll read and catch up on how everyone is shortly.

Oh pink hello to fellow COPD carer xx

Thanks again sandwich. He has COPD and heart failure. His low oxygen leads to confusion and he may also be in early stages of dementia. His hearing and concentration are poor so while he had comfort in religion in the past I don't think he is able to engage at all now.
Hi to unmanned and badders. Thanks for listening. It really does help to let it out.
I'm going to read back through the thread when I get some time so that I am able to give support as well as take.

She has good days and bad days. Nurses are amazed she's still here lol.

They took her driver away last week it lasted less than 24 hours before I begged them to put it back in due to her anxiety which really scuppers her breathing.

She says she wants to go now but her brain won't let her! Body is failing her, struggles to breathe when turned for personal care etc. such a cruel disease

😊
How are things? Is your mum comfortable?
She is very lucky to have you x

Oh badders please don't feel guilty!! I AM with mum 24/7 at the moment (4 weeks today not that I'm counting!) and I would give my eye teeth for her to go away for a few days holiday!
and ok yes I feel guilty for saying that

I'm so sorry pink
I wish I had some advice but I guess all you can do is be there. How hard for you all 💐
Mum has had her cardiology appt which was a bit pointless really
I couldn't go as I was still recovering from norovirus and I was very worried about visiting a hospital just in case
So my friend took her and she basically just sat there whilst the dr talked at her then came home and complained he was horrible!!
Sigh
Anyway, all tests ok and he wants to put her back on statins (she had a bad reaction to them so dr took her off them)
Back to dr on Tuesday so we shall see
She is going away for 5 days to the seaside with db and sil and dn in a weeks time but I can tell she isn't well ATM...
She can't walk far and we have to go quite slowly. She is also now worrying about being taken ill on holiday - she said "I don't think x and x would cope if I was taken ill"
🤔
Well, I can't be with her 24/7 😞
My sister has issues of her own tbh...she has just been put on beta blockers for high bp
Mum came for lunch today and hopefully ds2 and I are taking her to town tomorrow
for an hour
I am so looking forward to her going away and I feel so guilty 😞