Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

I know exactly what you're saying thesandwich but it's not quite like that - hard to explain really. I'm the one who 'escaped', moved away and had a glamorous career. DSis stayed locally, married a very demanding man and this is a large part of the problem. She now has a busy job, children and the aforementioned knob BIL, which together seem to absolve her of responsibility for DM in her mind. She never even thinks to ask me if it's OK that I put work on hold to come and see to DM's needs, or thanks me. She just accepts it as the status quo.

I don't think she doesn't care at all, but over the last few days I've been nursing DM pretty much round the clock in a state of near-total panic over what to do long-term, while DSis has managed a couple of reluctant visits and more or less shrugs in a 'I know, it's terrible, isn't it?’ sort of way when I try to talk to her about it.

Thanks again thesandwich. She does have a lifeline alarm. A keysafe is a very good idea. Her (extremely helpful) neighbour has a key but it would obviously be better if emergency services etc could access easily.

The whole complication is that I do have a nearby sibling (nearby to DM, I mean) who just isn't that involved or interested. Well, she is up to a point, but the burden is pretty much entirely on me. That has been brought painfully home to me over the last few days and I think that's why I'm finding this even more hard than it already is, iyswim.

to everyone coping in these situations, it's so very difficult.

Thank you thesandwich. I really appreciate it (and esp the 🍫).
I'll look up the checklist, I think I saw it but was probably in a daze at the time.

The gp came out to look at DM and diagnosed a mild urine infection. It's complicated as I arrived only after the event but I think, having pieced the picture together, she somehow hit her head and possibly concussed herself slightly, as she's never fallen before. But now she's very, very bruised and sore and more importantly, her confidence is badly shaken. GP was good but didn't offer any other opinions on her safety at home etc. The best-case is that she'll improve massively and get back to her previous independence but I feel I have to anticipate that she won't.

I will ring the local Social Care people tomorrow but for now am seeing to all her needs, helping her on and off the loo (we have a commode), feeding her, washing, etc. It's just the longer-term picture that's terrifying me really.

Hello all. Can I join in? I've lurked intermittently for a long time but a crisis has driven me to post (serial name-changer but very old MN hand).

My DM is in her 90's and lives alone, managing pretty well up till now despite some significant health issues and worsening mobility - she can't leave the house and is dependent on me and a neighbour for shopping etc. I live a considerable distance away but have spent the last few years shuttling back and forth at frequent intervals.

She had a fall - 2 in fact - earlier this week and suddenly it feels as though everything's come crashing down. I'm panicking really. Trying to calm myself down for her sake as I'm here looking after her, but I'm constantly flooded with adrenaline and not sure where to turn. Sorry for the long and garbled post but I suppose I'm looking for a bit of a hand-hold if anyone would be kind enough to talk to me a bit.

Thanks Dibbler. The toddler analogy is a good one - I'm a teacher so hopefully I can muster some of my behaviour management techniques! Only problem with blaming the doctors is that she's already annoyed with the hospital. And to be fair, they have messed up a couple of things since she's been in. Maybe I'll try blaming social services instead...

Good luck and lots of strength to you Birdy. Plan something nice to do after the visit - I find it helps me get through things.

One thing I have learned from here is that telling your parent that things are All The Fault of Other People is a great way to cope. She can't go home because the Doctor says so. No, you don't have any say in it. The Doctor says so.
It deflects their anger from you, and somehow often an authority figures opinion is taken better.
And if all else fails, the toddler view can help. Toddlers are angry, shouty etc when you tell them they can't play on the road but you prevent them doing so for their safety. You don't get upset that they are, because its the right and safe thing. Same applies to cognitively impaired parents.

But most of all, be kind to yourself.

Thought it was time to drop in to the main thread as I've posted in the elderly parents section a few times. Don't actually have an elderly parent - she's only 59 - but a lot of medical issues (epilepsy, bipolar, history of alchoholism, possible osteoporosis and some form of dementia/cognitive impairment). I'm only family member and am 200 miles away!

I'm currently in the passenger seat being driven up the motorway to a VERY angry lady who doesn't understand that she can't leave hospital until the care package is in place. She's been in for over 3 weeks and funding is all approved but agencies are all full... they're holding her with deprivation of liberty but she doesn't know/understand this. Think this visit is going to involve a lot of shouting and probably security being called as she won't accept that she has to stay. Wish me luck!

Hi Jelly, do you mind if I make a few suggestions. If you have not already done so. It is a list of thing I did which really helped me in managing my mother's failing health.
PoA
Getting post redirected to me
A care line and a key box
Big list of names telephone numbers of those involved in her care.
Doctors, hospitals, physics, O Health.
A list of her medications
All her personal details, place of birth, marriage N.I number.
I got asked the same questions over and over again and got into the habit of having the file with me every time Imade a call.
A file to record every phone call I made on her behalf, the outcome and the promise made. Noting the name of the person I spoke to, as well as the date and time.
I did manage to get my mum to make all her savings accounts and bank accounts into joint names, while she still had mental capacity.

I found that nothing was ever resolved with just one phone call, and that, being able to quote dates and names moved things along.

Hiya , thanks for the link.

Looks likely from that she'll have to pay as she has a small inheritance. We're waiting on the assessments. She's been in hospital 3 weeks and is looking better in herself, making noises about coming home but I'm worried if its without carers coming in that she'll go backwards again.

I'm ok to help out here and there like I have been but not prepared to do it full time as I'm not always around (hubby works away so I go too for the odd couple of days).

Hi Jelly. Social services should do an assessment and then organise the care at an appropriate level. Payment for this is on a sliding scale depending on her assets - there is a great Age UK information section on it here.
It will be agency carers who will do the job they have on their sheet 'get out of bed, wash, dress, give breakfast' for instance, but you'll still have to do all the other things, so accept every bit of care that they can arrange and then you can concentrate on doing the bits you have to iyswim

Hello Jelly, I've not been part of that but I'm sure some of the other folk on the thread have, and will be along to he,p soon.

Hello, my DM is currently in hospital, after many years of muddling through we are on our way to finding out what is actually wrong with her, huge relief all round for us both.

The hospital are organising a care package, they are aware that I'm involved with keeping an eye on DM but now its ramped up as they are saying she's not safe to go back to her own home without a care package.

Just looking for advice really from others who have gone through this to give me an idea of what to expect.

Ha! This tech expert was about to take the ear thermometer back to the shop because it wasn't working, when I eventually realised I hadn't taken the lid off... Doh. Tiring couple of days has taken its toll!

Our NHS is wonderful, but...

Yesterday GP asked for dad to be admitted at 1.30pm to a nearby hospital. He ended up being sent an hour away at almost midnight.
Today, we were told at noon he could go home again, but just need a doctor to check his scan and ring the oncology before it closes at five. He's exhausted. It's coming up for 4.30, still here. He has to time his meds around meals, hasn't slept properly for days...

On the plus side, I've sorted out some tech issues for them, but at this rate won't be able to sort out their phone contracts...

DM is stressing about how busy she is, how they have no time to go away, no time to do nice things, she can't fit in dad's reflexology appointment, the cancer nurse keeps 'badgering' them to come and see him etc.
Then she starts discussing the need to strip all the bedding in the spare room, swap it over for summer, sort the sheets, get new light weight curtains, get a new hose pipe fitted so she can reach a corner of the garden more easily... How they need new carpet and never get anything done to the house.

Sigh.

I know it's nothing to take lightly CMOT, but I really wonder what I will be like when I am older. I already find my belongings in odd places. To the point I wonder if DH is gaslighting me! I'm the classic glasses on my head, pencil behind my ear person. Can't find my keys because I have them in my hand. I think it's stress... Or peri menopause...

I offered to take DM some meals, sausage casserole perhaps, or pulled pork. So she's asked for lamb curry. I have no lamb joints, and no curry paste. So she's going to have to have curry made with random spices and lamb mince, and some pulled pork! YOU WILL ENJOY THE PULLED PORK...!

That's a good tip about the microwave, CMOT.
You clearly share my pain, baby!

CMOT Hope you do not need to replace the appliances - always the low point. Your poor father, the thought of the ulcers make me wince. Not something we need to deal with.

At least thats one thing I don't have to deal with! Mine have an ancient telly, and the washing machine and microwave I obscured everything but the basic setting with duct tape so it was super easy.

Mum has lost her glasses. Who knows where they might be. She once put dads entire new stock of insulin in the chest freezer, and his wallet has ended up in the cupboard with the baking tins.

And dad has a big new ulcer...