Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Good news, dibbler. That must feel like a relief.

I think your holiday is an ideal time to start your mum with having carers (rename as you wish - daily housekeepers, cleaners, 'somebody to pop to the shops for you') coming in. You need a break, and things don't sound sustainable as they are.

I MN while my dad is on the phone. Its the only way I keep my sanity!

It looks like dads leg may be finally healing and I found something in my life that he was interested in (house martins building a nest on the house), so thats pretty good.

Ha! Yes, I do a candy crush type game! And read MN! Glad to know it isn't just me...

Definitely agree with sandwich, you need your holiday without her even more, because she is difficult.

I've just spent 40mins on the phone to DM and am so exhausted... She goes round and round about an issue, decides what to do, then goes and does something completely different. She's over ambitious, keeps making life really hard by planning complicated trips, then complains she's exhausted, has no time to do anything, etc. I think I'll give my monthly stay a miss, she's not pushing it, and I could do with the time to get on top of life here. Everything is slowly slipping, and will only get worse...

Sole, sorry!

I suppose if the freezer is big enough...

Can you arrange for someone to pop in on her while you are away? A care service, or volunteer from AgeUK? It's not great when one person has so,e responsibility.

Thank you, TheSandwich. I don't drink but I am a gardener, so the are very much appreciated.

Yes, it is timely, but the dilemma is that I am solely responsible for my mother's day to day care. In the two years since my dad died, she has never been to the shops, bank or doctor except when I have taken her, and if we don't take her on holiday with us she will starve (or, at least, subsist on what she has in the freezer). I was recently out of action for two weeks and I thought that would force the issue - she'd have to find an alternative way of getting to these places - but it didn't. She simply said plaintively that she couldn't go.

I tried semi-seriously to convince my sibling that it was their turn to offer this year, but they refused even to consider it.

I'm sorry, too, for all the tough times people are going though.

::proffers virtual , and ::

My mother has been vile again today. We went away for a few days. First thing this morning, she was on the phone shouting about whether we were home (this is code for I should have rung last night) and slammed the phone down on my poor husband.

The irony here is that we had spent the journey home discussing where we could go for our summer holiday that might suit her too. I'm now not sure I can face a fortnight with no escape from her anger and nastiness (which is always directed at me).

I've piled on weight, Birdy. Between being constantly anxious and constantly tired, I haven't got the mental energy to be disciplined about food.

Sorry for all the tough times, everyone.

Mum is 71
But her health issues and attirude to life are of a much older person
Most of this damage was self inflicted (smoker for decades)
It's hard (but lovely) to see my mil out and about and enjoying life
She is older than mum but enjoys better health and makes an effort to go out and see people

We def do dark humour here! And none of my friends get it either- their parents are all healthy and of sound mental states. People comparing it to their grandparents aren't terribly helpful either. Its 14 years approx since my mums mum died of dementia, and although it was painful it was absolutely nothing like this.

Reading through these posts is so helpful. Having a young but 'elderly' in terms of health problems feels quite isolating at times. None of my IRL friends are anywhere near dealing with stuff yet!

Anyway, mum is still in hospital. There are literally no spaces in any care agency despite the small package she needs. She's very unhappy and floats between very angry calls/texts where I get shouted at for 'forcing' her to stay and apologies where she just says how miserable she is. The longer she's in, I worry that she'll find it very hard to adjust once she's home, that's skills she used to have will have vanished as she's not done them in so long.

Been interesting reading about the adrenaline surge too! Over the last 6 months I've been steadily around a weight that is healthy but low for me. The last month of her being in hospital (so knowing she's at least safe) and I've put on half a stone! Hope she's home soon, it's beach season (really hoping being light hearted is ok, if I don't try and find some -dark- humour at the moment I'll just cry...!)

Hope the tissue viability nurses can help x
Not sure what's going on with mum atm tbh.
She is in an odd state of mind.
One of Her sisters is very ill too - sounds like she is not eating and bed bound.
But mum is the youngest of 14 and she is 71!

Badders, my mum and dad have a file which is kept by the front door, and has all of their medication details in, phone numbers for all relevant people, discharge letters, appointment letters and so on in it. It means anyone can pick it up and know exactly what is going on and who to contact. Really useful. But emailing something to all your sibs with meds, pharmacy, GP and so on would at least mean you shouldn't get as many calls. Or at least you can be snippy and tell them to RTFdocument

No, I don't think its worth doing the op tbh. I think theres lots of potential for it to go really, horribly wrong.

And dad might be better being seen elsewhere, but its a matter of transport and time tbh. He can barely walk 10m now, so only gets to the community hospital in their little town by going on his scooter and going right in on it. The next hospital is at least a 200m walk from disabled parking to the clinic rooms and even if he gets a volunteer driver not all of them will push a wheelchair . And of course he needs a carer to be with mum while this goes on.

The community hospital nurses have been talking about getting the tissue viability specialist in, so we'll see how that goes

Hello all
Sorry for latest health issues and shit siblings.
My mum is in Ireland at her brothers funeral...I spent last Friday running around trying to get a last minute flight on a bank holiday weekend
Managed to get her and my aunt last two seats out of Birmingham.
Sorted bus tickets for other end and lifts with my cousin.
Sorted euros.
She did manage a begrudging thank you 🙄
She really can't walk that far now. Refuses to use stick I bought. Refuses to consider scooter. So there we are.
Query over one of her meds so I've got the dr writing to the vascular surgeon to clarify.
My brother is, as ever, the golden child.
My sister (who sees mum once a week for an hour to take her shopping) is also a favoured one. "Well your sis works you know"
Um. Yeah. For the last 18 months. What about before that!?
Sigh.
Deep breath.
We had such a funny (in a sad way) convo before she left...
"Poor x...she is crippled with fibromyalgia you know"
"Yes mum, I do know. That's what I have"
😞🙄
I might type out mums meds etc and give a copy to each sibling...then if something happens whilst I'm away they have no excuse. What do you think?
Mum has suddenly realised both me and my brother are away the same week in July. She won't see much of my sister....I think it's hitting her how lonely she will be that week. Although she's not worried about me being away, but golden bollocks won't be around.

Sorry to hear of your parents woes Cmot...is it worth doing the cataract op? Sorry that sounds awful but you know what I mean...is it worth putting your poor mum through it?
Your dads legs sound like they are now a chronic rather than acute issues...should he be going to a different clinic?
Next month would have been my dads b day (and if course it's Father's Day) and then July is the anniversary. 4 years and it seems to be getting harder 😞
Half term is cold and grey. Dh and ds1 are away on a jolly and Ds2 and I are just mooching around. Some sun would be nice!
Love to all x

Mum has been complaining that she can't see, but she has previously said that and its not her sight, its that her brain doesn't process the information so its hard to tell.
If there were drops to be put in regularly afterwards, or she had to wear an eye patch, she wouldn't comply and dad couldn't put them in either. I guess we'll see what the GP says as if it was both eyes something might have to be done in order for her to stay at home longer as their house isn't visually impaired friendly!

NMS I am really sorry to hear that. I haven't had to deal with that but I think if I had to I would look at appointing the Solicitor my Brother used to deal with her welfare and the accountant to deal with the monetary side of things.

CMOT, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents. Is the cataract interfering much with her vision and is it the one eye or is it in both? I think they do generally do them under a local but she would have to keep very still and agree with you that it is hard to imagine her coping.

for those with shit Brother's. Coming up for a year this week since Mum went, it's gone very very fast.

Sorry to hear so many of you are struggling with unhelpful siblings - it must make the journey even more difficult and lonely for you. I can not imagine how they can not at least acknowledge all your hard work and be grateful even if they are not prepared to contribute.
NMS are you asking for advice about handling your mother's affairs were you to die while she was still alive? I guess the helpful accountant may be the person most able to advise.

Oh, NMS there is always something more isn't there?

My mum apparently has a cataract. Optician told dad that it could be done under local (he said straight out that he wouldn't have anything done to her under general), but I can't believe that she would tolerate that - she shrieked about the drops in her eye at the opticians..
Dads leg is still really bad - a 3" oozing sore. He can't tolerate the bandaging, and there doesn't seem to be any consistency in how they dress it.
And my brother is a tosser.

I thought I would pop back in. After 7 years of one thing after another - most of DCs teenage years, I have made the most of a relative plateau. It is astonishing how long it takes to recover from the constant adrenaline.

However I suspect it wont last for long. DM has a painful hip. The carer will take her for an X ray tomorrow. However her dementia will mean compliance with any treatment regime, whatever the diagnosis, is near impossible, so I don't know what happens next. She is on heavy pain killers at the moment which have sent her doolally. I feel a crisis coming on.

I have been filing old emails, which has brought home how aggressive DB has been to me over the years. As well as placing the burden on me he seems to need someone to blame. I had already decided not to waste energy worrying about how the burden fell. You can't change other people's behaviour and there was too much that needed to be done. In my new "stress minimisation" mode I will limit contact to short text updates on health issues. I used to want him to at least acknowledge what I had achieved, but I don't think I do any more. (And it was not gong to happen anyway!)

Manchester etc has also prompted us to think about Wills. Our affairs are straightforward, and assets can be shared 50:50 between DC. But what about DM. DM could live for another decade. DC are at University and cannot/should not take on the responsibility. I am thinking of attaching some sort of letter of wishes which would have DC consult and be advised by our very practical accountant who already handles DMs tax affairs. Has anyone else crossed this particular bridge?