Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

My dad has had good news at his medical appointment. The tumour hasn't grown back yet. He does still seem to be getting frailer though, so I don't know if that is from the steroids, the occasional chemo or what.

No visit yesterday. And they seemed slightly better today. Onwards and upwards eh!

My mum was careful never to set up a pattern with her mum. So she'd pop in, or invite her over, but not on specific predictable days. That way she could be flexible with her own arrangements, and wasn't as tied down.

In reality it also meant that she didn't go and see her that often, but that's a different story.

Well learn from me
Don't go every day

oh badders that's so shit. do something nice for yourself today.

Mine have moved. Phew. Everyone at home so relieved to have our house back. Mum confused and crying of course but nothing at all would be right. Dad just about coping. I have sorted the utilities, broadband, TV aeriel etc. Phone still not working but should be coming soon. At least they have a mobile. Half the stuff from storage has been delivered, and the house is just about full. I have hired a builder to convert basement to add another toilet and utility room. Need to go to IKEA for a wardrobe (built in at their previous houses) tomorrow. Rest of their stuff will come next week. Exhausting. Good job my boss is flexible and sympathetic!

So, the first night I had them back here for supper but taking them home was really upsetting. So since then I haven't had them round. I've been there every day once or twice to do stuff though. I do need to go round every day really until everything is sorted - but every day forever? what do you think? and how often should I have them round here? I know I'll just have to play it by ear, but I'd be interested in hearing what works for others...?

Yes, sometimes we need to add some distance, just to preserve (what remains of) our sanity.

I took her to the polling station as it was raining
Then I just dropped her off and came home
I prob won't pop in tomorrow...im ill so have an excuse!

Oh Badders! You do indeed. What is stopping you?

Difficult couple of days...
My 41 year old brother needed a root canal yesterday. He hasn't been to the dentist for about 20 years.
I was out shopping with mum and she insisted I bring her back so she could pay for his treatment (£700)
I promise im not making this up!
This is the same woman who left me at the door of the hospital when I was 19 when I has to have all my wisdom teeth out.
My first op. I was quite scared.
Sigh.
I have to pull back from her. For my own sanity.

Yes, humour is essential in these circumstances.

Mother and I had a cordial conversation last night. No mention of the fact that in the last one she was shouting and irrational. As I said, one has to find the funny side.

All digits crossed for you, Edd.

Edd- for today.

Oh edd.....😞
Yep. You have to laugh or you would go under x

news flash !! DM has just told me she has just found out after all these years that I'm her daughter... she's devastated that no-one told her... you gotta laugh eh? actually i'm crying but it's been one of those days

Edd..you are a marvel
Good luck for tomorrow

I agree re not being responsible for your parents bad decisions/stubbornness
Mum won't stay on a gf diet so she has constant tummy troubles.
I used to try and get her to eat gf...even made her gf bread
She "doesn't like it"
So now if she complains of stomach problems I just either ignore or say "oh dear" and move the conversation on
Same with the walking stick
I bought 2 - one for her and one for my car
She now refuses.to use them and cannot walk far
Again...her choice. She misses out on so much because she won't even consider a scooter.
Not my problem.
I tend to pop in now rather than stay...and I make sure I tell her how busy I am
I might take her to town tomorrow but it won't be for long....she can prob manage an hour
Unless She is going somewhere with my brother or niece of course
Then she can walk bloody miles
😡😡

needmoresleep are you in SE London? Me too.

A rest! I wish. I will have to supervise the removal people, and work out where to put everything and at least get them started with unpacking... And hire a cleaner. And help them build some kind of routine. And go round every day for ever probably. Rn I feel so angry and crap and I just wish I could run away from it all and hide.

Congratulations Edd! Great news! I hope you can have a good rest before getting too involved again.
Needmoresleep, that sounds awful.

Edd, you must be a saint. I think a period of withdrawal and regrouping is in order.

My life is on hold. If the GP receives the X ray from the hospital I am straight on a train to try to work out how we manage pain in an 88 year old with dementia.

I have been supporting my parents for 8 years. my advice is to pace yourselves and prioritise. If nothing extreme is happening then be the priority. If your parents are suffering as a result of their own stubbornness or poor decisions in the past, it is not your fault. You are not the sticking plaster to make everything better.

I spent most of last night awake with the sounds of sirens and helicopters. It made me feel physically sick. I will do what is needed to maximise the quality of my mums life, but I also want to live mine and protect my children as best I can.

Hi all. Not been around here lately - too much on as my parents have been living with me for nearly 5 months. Crazy. But the great news is that they are moving out tomorrow. Or at least that is the plan. They bought a house finally last week, and the furniture arrives from storage tomorrow. So all being well tomorrow night they will be in their own home. DM saying rn that she doesn't want to go and that she can't cope anymore. She seems to think that DDad is against her but all he does is look after her. I really don't know how they'll manage but they can't stay here. Poor dad looks so depressed. She's impossible to live with, but there's no prospect of any carers just yet. I suppose it's just a question for waiting for a crisis. God, being old is shit isn't it.