Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Thank you for posting that article @MoreElderlyParentWoes it pretty much sums up my life, but is put so much better than I could ever express it.

They lived with me for 3600 hours. That's a lot in the bank!

Edd, start writing down all the things you do for your mum and dad for the next month - the calls, the shopping, the 'can you just look at this', appointments, arranging handymen/cleaners and so forth. So when your db tells you that he's too busy to do things, you can show him just what it takes to keep your mum and dad going.

Foxy, it sounds like you need to get some respite care for your dad while you are away. Sell it to them however you think will work - for your peace of mind 'I don't want to waste all that money worrying myself about you after that fall', make your brother do the telling, take the doctors name in vain and say they aren't happy with no one around to help. Whatever works!

Well that made me cry. Thanks more !

Seriously though. My DB is abroad. He returns to live fairly locally in July. I bet he thinks Sunday lunch once a fortnight is the right level of involvement. I'm going to make him unpack boxes for the whole of August. Least he can do.

So am going on holiday soon with my kids and hubby worried sick about leaving my parents my dad falls on a regular basis also has parkinsons and my mum is like a sparrow and can't walk the length of herself my brother? ?lives the other side of Scotland about over an hour away stressed is the not the word,we live 5 mins away and regularly go down to pick my dad up (he also us just out of hospital after breaking a hip).I know this sounds awful but I keep thinking if he has to break something could it not have been his arm ??

I'm glad you've all managed to find something in that article. As I read it, I thought it encapsulated so many of the things we talk about here. I was especially struck by the notion that daughters do as much as they can, while sons do as little as they can get away with.

I don't post here often, because I'm usually in a state of shock and despair, but I'm so glad to have found a place of support and solidarity. and for you all.

Its a great article, and says what so many of us feel on a day to day basis - judged, blamed, never able to win, and often unable to really talk about how we feel because of these things.

I'm helping a colleague whose mum has recently been diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour plus had a stroke during surgery, negotiate the maze of things you need when someone is suddenly ill. It turns out her dad cannot do anything - through depression or dementia is unknown right now, and she is struggling to take over their lives. Our kids are the same age, and she wailed to me yesterday that she thought she'd known what I went through, but now realises she hadn't got a clue. Her mums frustrated by her dad, her dad shouts at the kids, she's working FT plus having lost all her childcare and cooking dinner/ organising appointments/driving her mum to things as her dad is now incapable - and all with the knowledge that she is most likely to lose her mum before Christmas. Somehow I think I have it better as I never had any help.

My dad fell out of bed the other day. His 'bad' leg is swollen to 3 times its normal size and the skin is splitting. Hoping the antibiotics get it under control soon.

In other news, it appears that my brother and his family are trying to move close to her family - who are but a short drive from mine. I'm so looking forward to brother being able to pop in weekly, arrange things like a carpet cleaner and be the rapid response when things go wrong!

what a powerful article. At 69 I have only just been released from caring responsibilities. The assumptions made that I would 'step in' for children, husband, parents, step parents, in-laws and grandchildren has dominated my whole life. Some of it I have enjoyed and some of it I have been thanked for. Most of it though,I have done with resentment, because no other person , male of female would step in.

I do not spend much money because I am determined that none of my family will need to give up their life to care for me. My children know that once I lose capacity my savings are there for my care.

What you say, picklemepopcorn, about feeling responsible but lacking power is so true.

I asked my mother not to mumble yesterday and she responded by saying that I was "always having a go at her". The hypocrisy and the irony are staggering! Anyway, I've been meaning for weeks to ask whether anyone else had seen this article. It struck a lot of chords with me.

Oh yes. They have.

Seventeen years! I hadn't realised- thought it was newer for some reason. We're 25 yrs come Christmas.

Sorry you are having a tough time. I bet DM, DF and DP have all shouted at you, at some point.

My parents are driving me mad, and I'm so so tired. I've shouted at DM and DDad and DP today.

Yes fast for me too. 2 years ago life of Riley on all fronts. Now the classic 40-something grandparent-teenage sandwich with mid-life career crisis and marriage 17 year itch to boot!

She is very lonely! Long history of mental health problems and past alcohol abuse have left her very isolated. There's only me (4 hour drive away) and her sister that lives abroad. It's hard because on the one hand I feel very sorry for her but, on another, lots of her problems are of her own doing and it's not my fault our relationship isn't a close one...! I think she'd do very well in sheltered accommodation as she'd be close to other people. Just a case of a waiting list....

I'm in my forties, and it's all come on rather fast. Two sides at once in my case. It's not easy when managing your own health and life situations alongside theirs, especially when you don't have the control over the situation. Just a feeling of responsibility allied with powerlessness.

Nothing selfish there!

sometimes i just feel so overwhelmed by it all, and worry myself sick about what the future holds for my poor mum and dad and sorry for sounding selfish myself (still see myself as their child even though i am in my fourties?)

Well, my old lady I used to look after told me there'd been an earthquake and she'd had a baby ( aged 90 ) 😱

pickle that's great news, but I'm sorry about the wider situation - it's so hard watching them flailing isn't it.

birdy good your DM is out of hospital. do you think she might be lonely - asking your H to go..? Hope all is well when you see her

My parents now have a town house full to bursting with all their stuff from their huge country pile previous place. It's going to take weeks to get straight, with a lot of freecycle, selling and going to the dump etc. And finding them activities to keep DM busy so she stops crying. And trying to find friends for them. Shame I have a v nearly-full time job (I know, I shouldn't be here rn), and 3 DC, and a failing / working on marriage to fix, and, and...

Sigh. It's just tiring sometimes, isn't it?

How's everyone else doing?

Beer festival! Tempting! Have a good trip Satuerday, Birdy.

That's good news @picklemepopcorn (also great username!)
@badders - hope you're taking care of yourself. Sometimes I'm grateful that mum is so far away.

Mum finally came home from hospital and, as far as I know, the carer is coming twice a day but she's very vague about it. She does seem in good spirits on the phone and has actually expressed interest in my life, telling me about a beer festival in the village. I said I couldn't go (hen do) and she later left me a voicemail saying H could still stay with her if he wanted to go. He politely declined!
Driving up for day to see her tomorrow. Well, H is, I don't drive - pretty grateful for him at the moment!

Thanks sandwich! They went to the appointment alone- didn't want anyone with them, as they wanted to make difficult decisions if necessary without being influenced. I think that's code for 'no one being allowed an opinion except DM'! It's hard to sit back as they teeter on the edge of not coping. I see her making poor decisions, and just have to watch. It's like parenting a toddler, with the whole push/pull I'm doing it myself now/spoon feed me dichotomy.

I know how familiar you all are with that, and that you've been managing it far longer than me!